To be young, gifted and depressed
By Cathy Babao Guballa, Contributor
Inquirer News Service

Teenage suicide

LIKE the proverbial thief in the night, suicide shatters every family that it touches. More so when it is a teener who passes away. When suicide takes place, everyone- friends, family, classmates-is left grappling, trying to make sense of the tragedy that has suddenly taken place.

Recent months have shown an alarming rise in the number of adolescent and young adult suicides, their stories often exaggerated, circulating around the schools and universities where these young people once belonged to.

Then there are the suicides which are made public due to the nature or stature of the families involved.
Suicide is defined as the decision to deliberately end one's life. In the United States, suicide is the second leading
cause of death among children and adolescents. In the Philippines, according to Dr. Liza Espinosa-Rondain, a
psychiatrist at the Makati Medical Center and Center for Family Ministries (Cefam) at the Ateneo de Manila University, statistics show that completed suicide more often than not takes place among 18- to 27-year-olds, and that 37 percent of suicide attempts are completed.

Rondain adds that the most common methods used are those of hanging and poisoning. Peak periods are reported to be during Christmas, February and the opening of a new school year.

"There are much more stressors and expectations, especially when it comes to adolescent relationships, during these periods," Rondain explains.

Myths about suicide

She further cites several myths associated with teen suicide. The first myth is that people who talk
about or threaten suicide don't really mean it. "Parents and friends need to be sensitive and should take this kind of talk seriously," she stresses.

It is also untrue that suicides frequently occur out of the blue, that thoughts of suicide are temporary states of mind, and that whatever crisis young people will go through will pass.

"More often than not, the suicide has long been considered and there has been a period of depression prior to it. Again, the people around the adolescent need to be sensitive to the signs and signals being given," says Rondain. Lastly, it is a myth that suicide attempts won't be repeated again because of shame.

Rondain says statistics show that four out of five-indeed, a high rate-try again. "Closer monitoring is really a must for those who have been caught attempting suicide. Just because you were able to catch it [the first time] doesn't mean [the suicidal person] is already safe," she says.

Open communication lines

"Tell the person that you are worried and listen to what s/he has to say. Ask direct questions and if there is a plan, but don't act shocked when the person tells you about it," she says.

"Don't debate on whether it is right or wrong, and never promise to keep the youngster's intention a secret. You also have to ensure that s/he will be safe until you are able to notify an appropriate adult who is responsible for
the teener's care."


Rondain also adds that it is important to give assurance that something is being done and that the troubled person can call for help anytime.

"After the risk is overcome, you need to monitor closely, as many suicide attempts recur three months after the initial attempt," she explains.

Carandang's paper, on the other hand, provides some insights and recommendations for parents and families with adolescents so as to prevent trouble from further escalating. Adults, she says, need to go beyond the faæade of indifference and break that wall to see the intense emotions inside their children.

"Just like their songs with loud 'turn-off' melodies, you will find the meaningful lyrics once you go beyond the
'noise,' " she says. An adolescent also needs to be "touched emotionally" by at least one significant adult. "Someone who values them or to whom they know they matter," she says.

The myth of "all for the family" or "for the family only" can prevent the adolescent and other members from
expressing themselves, seeking autonomy and identity and leading a healthy life for themselves.

"Balancing family with individual concerns is important in the adolescent stage," says Carandang.

Family members, especially fathers, need to find ways to reach out to their adolescent children effectively. Parents need to be aware of adolescent need for approval and affirmation even if the adolescents do not show it.

"They also still look for limits from their parents, but this should be done in a respectful and not insulting manner. The adolescent must be given a say, a role in his or her own development in the spirit of genuine participation," Carandang concludes.

So here I am the victim of my own choices, and I'm just starting....

I told jeanboy that Im ending it na...susmaryosep wala pa ngang naumpisahan ni end na agad...paking shiyeett...more of this as soon as I get back from Enchanted ...I want to be hApPy today!

This was me:

I am making a fool of myself right here
Just to let you know that I love you still
I am making a fool of myself right now
To convince you boy
That we can work this out somehow

but no more. I've learned my lesson and its a lesson that I have taken into heart. No more would anyone be responsible for my own happiness...no one but me...no more with anyone be the center of my life...i would never love the same way ever again...

Maybe one day I'd be able to love someone again as openly as I loved before...maybe someday I'd be able to find my true north star...but until then...I'm a mariner that though it seems na it has lost its way is still determined to find the shore where I can rest my weary heart...


How did I get to be such a mess so soon in my life?

Never thought na I'd post something in ger from Penguin..but i guarantee that its something useful...

The Golden Hour
By Brian Tracy

You become what you think about most of the time. And the most important part of each day is what you think about at the beginning of that day. Take 30 minutes each morning to sit quietly and to reflect on your goals. You'll find when you read the biographies and autobiographies of successful men and women that almost everyone of them began their upward trajectory to success when they begin getting up early in the morning and spending time with themselves.

This is called the Golden Hour. The first hour sets the tone for the day. The things that you do in the first hour prepare your mind and set you up for the entire day. During the first thirty to sixty minutes, take time to think and review your plans for the future.

Here are four things that you can do during that quiet time in the morning. Number one is to review your plans for accomplishing your goals and change your plans if necessary. Number two is think of better ways to accomplish your goals. As an exercise, assume that the way you're going about it is totally wrong and imagine going about it totally differently. What would you do different from what you're doing right now?

Number three, reflect on the valuable lessons that you have learned and are learning as you move toward your goals. Number four, calmly visualize your goal as a reality. Close your eyes, relax, smile, and see your goal as though it were already a reality. Rewrite your major goals everyday in the present tense. Rewrite them as though they already existed. Write “I earn X dollars.” “I have a net worth of X.” “I weigh a certain number of pounds.” This exercise of writing and rewriting your goals everyday is one of the most powerful you will ever learn.

Your life will start to take off at such a speed that you'll have to put on your seatbelt. Remember, the starting point for achieving financial success is the development of an attitude of unshakable confidence in yourself and in your ability to reach your goals. Everything we've talked about is a way of building up and developing your belief system until you finally reach the point where you are absolutely convinced that nothing can stop you from achieving what you set out to achieve.

No one starts out with this kind of an attitude, but you can develop it using the law of accumulation. Everything counts. No efforts are ever lost. Every extraordinary accomplishment in the result of thousands of ordinary accomplishments that no one recognizes or appreciates. The greatest challenge of all is for you to concentrate your thinking single-mindedly on your goal and by the law of attraction, you will, you must inevitably draw into your life the people, circumstances and opportunities you need to achieve your goals.

Once you've mastered yourself and your thinking, you will become a living magnet for ideas and opportunities to become wealthy. It's worked for me and for every successful person I know. It will work for you if you'll begin today, now, this very minute, to think and talk about your dreams and goals as though they were already a reality. When you change your thinking, you will change your life. You will put yourself firmly on the road to financial independence.

Now, here are two things you can do every single day to keep your mind focused on your financial goals:

First, get up every morning a little bit earlier and plan your day in advance. Take some time to think about your goals and how you can best achieve them. This sets the tone for the whole day.

Second, reflect on the valuable lessons you are learning each day as you work toward your goals. Be prepared to correct your course and adjust your actions. Be absolutely convinced that you are moving rapidly toward your goals, no matter what happens temporarily on the outside. Just hang in there!

He says she says...when you know that someone you like has a "prior commitment"..o sya sige let's put it bluntly..may commitment sa iba..why should you insist pa yourself to that person?!?!?! I don't get it...put your self in the other person's shoes...you wanna be betrayed? duh!?!?!? I don't think so...so why do it to another person...yeah yeah yeah you tell everyone that you're trying to distance yourself and that you already put a stop to whatever it is that you had going but, hey honey, you're actions speak otherwise...tsk tsk tsk...we're all old enough to know what is wrong and right...i hope you also believe in karma, dearie because you might pass her by one of these days..you're my friend that's why I'm telling you and have told you several times na ikaw na ang umalis sa ganyan na situation...friend ikaw ang third party...ikaw ang third wheel...ikaw ang querida...put yourself in the other girl's shoes do you want your hubby to make kaliwa? I sure hope not. so think. use your mind not your gonads...don't be the poison in someone else's relationship..


"Marriages, I can tell you, don't just suddenly collapse....They're slowly poisoned." (Jude Law)

Girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, he said...no. She asked him if he would want to be with her forever....and he said no. She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry? and once again he replied with a no. She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and
said....You're not pretty you're beautiful. i dont want to be with you forever. i NEED to be with you forever,
and i wouldnt cry if you walked away...i'd die...

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Virgo Daily Horoscope

You've crossed the mind of an ex-lover a lot lately, and he or she may be ready to reconnect. Before you agree to give them a second chance, be sure you have new solutions to those old problems.

***NO COMMENT***

"Sometimes when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing."
---Ally McBeal

That's what happened to me...I gave everything and got nothing back... I gambled and I lost---bigtime! There'll be no next time anymore...next time I won't give everything...I'll retain at least 50% to myself...IF there'll be a next time...

Strong Enough
by: Stacie Orrico


As I rest against this cold hard wall,
will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all

my battles had been won
Only to find the war had just begun

Chorus:
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance with me
Please can I have one chance to start again


Will my weakness fall and and now make me
suffer for a lifetime?
Is there any way to be made whole again
If I be renewed and find forgiveness by

the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?

Chorus:
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance with me
Please can I have one chance to start again


He took my life into His hands
And turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance, is where I'm finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me,
Oh thank You for my chance to start again

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Virgo Daily Horoscope

After lots of long-term planning, it's time to actually step up and take action. If you feel the need for a bit of privacy in the meantime, insist upon it. Assure your dear ones that nothing is wrong.

One of the keys to life: the fast forward. Every movie has its lousy parts. The trick is to fast forward through them. As time passes, you look back and say oh, that little thing, oh that. You fast forward to then right now, and you're over it.

....Inside my womb I kept you,
ever peaceful from the storm...
I knew that you were always safe
and I knew that you were warm.

I never thought I'd lose you
before I saw your face...
but I know that you are happy
and living in a better place.

God must have spared my baby
from some unknown tragedy...
I know He'd never be unkind
or bring hurt and pain to me.

The days ahead will try me
as I come to terms with grief...
but through it all, there's comfort,
and God is my relief.

He'll hold me in His arms awhile
and shelter me with care...
time will take away the pain,
but the love will still be there.

You know I just got this piano, sometimes I sing this song it's called goodnight my someone... and it's about...well,
basically it's a love song about someone you never met but you know is out there. And I dunno we make so few promises
to ourselves as we grow up and one of them is that on our wedding day we walk down the aisle with someone we love. Somebody who does make your heart bounce, I guess. And there are some promises that I think we have to keep.

I wish that I can leave na...need time to recuperate on my own.....

due to some friend's insistent demand kse tamad sila hanapin sa friendster si Gani here's my testimonial sa kanya:

ASSUMPTIONISTO! Yep, you read that right. He did study in Assumption from Kinder to Grade 4. FYI. In Grade School, he was the kupalest seatmate but the sweetest too...to me lang ata coz he had a crush on me then (yiiiiheee)..He’d always make me asar but despite of that he has his good sides din naman. He defended me against the salagubangs of a classmate who liked those creepy creatures and sometimes from his pesky sidekicks but the dearest memory I have of him is when he helped heal my bruises coz I scraped my knee when some kid pushed me while playing agawan base.
He found me hiding in some corner trying to hold back my tears and without question he ran to the clinic and next thing I know there he was handing me cotton balls and band aids. Aslagan, as you said, it’s been 15 or so years since we last saw each other but here you are again helping me heal my wounds...destiny??? We never know baka you’re my knight in tarnished and dented armor pala.....so will my surfing lessons be free? O don't forget a March 25 hope your gifts and flowers are not recycled ;P miss ya

Saturday, April 10, 2004

Virgo Daily Horoscope
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stop imagining that tall, dark stranger. You have far more important things to think about. For starters, you need to figure out how to react when you actually cross paths with them.

***I can't bear it. Not yet..not ever***

Being Twenty-Something...

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start
realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You
start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you could be doing or maybe you are
looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared. You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is ifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe they love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap
and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that
everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard
as we can to figure this whole thing out.

"I already gave my best.
i have no regrets at all."
-- William Hung
2004 American Idol Auditions

"We suffer because we feel we are giving more than we receive. We suffer because our love is going
unrecognized. We suffer because we are unable to impose our own rule"

"Lord God, I recognize my sin of unforgiveness. Please help me get to the point of being willing to forgive
those who have wronged me. Please give me the desire and ability to forgive. Thank you, Lord. In Jesus'
name I pray, Amen."

If God was able to forgive me for all the bad things that I had done why, a mere mortal me, cannot forgive that one perosn who has caused me so much pain tears heartaches and suffering? And so on Good Friday, after my tearful confession, I texted Adrian and told him that I am already in the process of trying to forgive him for all the pain he has caused:

"I wish you well. I wish you happiness with whoever you are with now.. Know that I am already in the process of trying to forgive you for all the pain heartache suffering and tears you caused. For the lies hurtful words and broken promises i forgive you even though you do not ask for it and do not realize the wrong that you have done. I forgive you."

I did not get a reply to this message and do not expect any. He has truly changed for the worst.

One of these I will narrate the whole story...this for me...not for anyone's dessert on their chismis table...this for me to exorcise my ghost...a ghost that I will kill one way or the other...a ghost that will never ever haunt me...EVER. As I said, I burn bridges when I get mad. And when I do get mad at you, though I have forgiven you, you are now as good as dead to me. You do not exist anymore in my heart and my life and my memory. You will just be a bad dream that I had and will eventually forget once I wake up....As I told Len, I wil find all the pieces of my heart again and one day, my eyes and heart will smile simultaneously...not someday anymore but ONE OF THESE DAYS...

"In everything that is happening in our lives He has a purpose. Be strongand faithful. Hold on! IN every pain, there is an equal joy to itand we will have our time. GOD HAS BETTER PLANS FOR US!"

"Today is gonna be an uh, a less bad day, I can feel it. Sometimes I wake up and I just know that everything is going to be...less bad. "

am on training and am sleepy...just as i was getting used to my am shift biglang gawin gy for 1 DAYS da ba???

anyway, wednesday night...I cried again...it was good cry. I don't cry or get hurt that easy anymore..ung kagabi it was more of little hurts na na"compile" . my moments are still masama kse tlagang nakatulala ako but I don't cry anymore...now puro anger nalang...my heart is full of anger to the point na I wanna do something for revenge lang .... but I keep on telling myself na I'm better than that...I'M BETTER THAN HIM!

Lord, grant me strength..grant me peace of mind and of heart...

Being Maundy Thursday, my mom, a cousin and I visited 14 churches early this morning from our local church till Manila Cathedral in Intramuros...at syempre mainit...ngayon ko lang nalaman na 4 pesos na pala ang bayad sa jeep...na maraming dogs!!!...na mainit tlaga...na I miss the Benedictine Monks early morning Lauds (aaaa heaven on earth!)...that I'm going back to my one of my old loves which is photography...that you should never walk on a very very full stomach...hhhaaayyy sleepppyyy...All through our the trip, Jean and I were texting...2 days pala sya nag dive...scary...

When we got home, I immediately took bath to take out all the grime and pawis--YYAAAAKKK....but I wasn't able to sleep agad coz my mom wanted me to eat pa. Aside from that my body was already getting used to being awake during daytime...there goes my body clock.....

they blocked friendster in the office...i'll missed that website..oh well baka this is one way of God helping me...

God has been very very good to me:
1. He forgave me despite of everything with no qualms
2. He gave me such wonderful wonderful set of friends (my support group-, team mates, officemates..fred, oman.....EVERYONE but most esp to Vianca, my lifesaver and to Mei for always knocking some sense to me and for Kaje for her strength even if she is going through her own problems...)
3. He gave me my family especially my mom and dad...I value them now more than ever...(my mom spoils me!!! hihihihih)
4. For some of you guys, you might not understand why but I thank God, too, for "JB". To simple "kaw tlaga" text to can you not messages to paulit ulit na texts helps me through my everyday
5. For my exes who have given me their own "words of wisdom" and who till this very day continut to love me...

^*^*^*^*^*^*^
At an airport, I overheard a father and his daughterin their last moments together. They had announced her plane's
departure and standing near the door she said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough too, Daddy."

They kissed good-bye and she left. He walked over towards the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking,
"Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?"

"Yes, I have," I replied. Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my Dad had done for me. Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me. So I knew what this man was experiencing. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" I asked.

"I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, her next trip back will be for my
funeral," he said.."When you were saying good-bye I heard you say, 'I wish you enough, may I ask what that means?"

He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone."

He paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in fetail, he smiled even more. "When we said, 'I wish
you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with enough good things to sustain them."

He continued and then, turning toward me, he shared the following as ifhe were reciting it from memory:

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough "Hellos" to get you through the final "Good-bye"

He then began to sob and walked away.
My friends and loved ones, I wish you enough.

They say, "It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to
appreciate them, a day to love them, but an entire lifetime to forget them"

I wish you enough.

Whoever said that plenty of fish in the sea thing was lying. Sometimes there's only one fish. Trust me.

O FRIENDS...MATAKOT A.....

Some of the messages he sent:

"When I first met you, you struck me as a person who has forgotten how to love, and be loved. Do you even
remember what it's like to really be with someone? Maybe what you're afraid of it what you don't know."

When he asked me to go to Quezon so that I can dive and trek with him:

"Only those who dare to move too far would have the chance to know how far they can go..."

When I told him I was gonna leave na:

"...how do I, say goodbye to what we had (though short and sudden)! Its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday."

THis was sent to me by the webmistress of Quoteylicious:

Hardest Things In Love...

*Flashing your smile to someone you don't want to see.
*Bringing back the feeling you've learned to forget.
*Showing that you care.
*Finding a way to mend a broken heart.
*Learning that you've been used by someone you truly love.
*Saying "I Love You" when you mean it and when you don't.
*Letting go of a person you've just learned to love.
*Realizing that you love somebody you've just taken for granted
*Realizing that you love the person you've just broken up with
*Waiting for promises you know (s)he'll never keep
*Saying your love for someone who loves somebody else.
*Reminiscing the good times you shared together
*Shielding your heart to love somebody
*Trying to hide what you really feel
*Having a commitment with someone that you know would not last
*Trying to hide the tears that involuntarily fall from your eyes.
*Sharing the one you love with someone else.
*Loving a person so much
*Giving up someone you never thought of giving up
*Falling in love for the first time
*PRETENDING you're OK when inside you're dying...
*PRETENDING to be strong...and RECOGNIZING your weakness
*lying in bed each night, thinking of that special person you can never have
*Loving someone you haven't seen
*Having the right love at the wrong time
*Exerting effort to make the relationship last or work
*Not being appreciated when you know you've given your best
*Taking the risk to fall in love again.
*Hiding your relationship from someone else
*Controlling your feelings to avoid hurting a friend
*Choosing between 2 persons whom you really love
*Seeing that person continue to be oblivious of your love
*Turning down someone you love dearly but only as a friend
*Listening to him talk about the girl he loves (which is not you) and seeing how his eyes light up as he does so
*Seeing the guy/girl you love staring at a guy/girl who happens to be your friend while you're staring at him/her too....
*Agreeing to go out with the guy/girl you love but when you're at the place already, you do the most stupid thing ever by separating from him/her...
*Getting extremely developed over a guy/girl who's a friend and finding out that he/she likes your best friend
*Seeing your best friend and the guy/girl you love together
*Thinking of him/her every waking and sleeping moment knowing all the while that he/she never even thinks a single *thought of you
*Loving him/her more than he/she loves you...
*Letting go only to find out later on you shouldn't have let go because everytime you see the person, you only fall deeper...
*Holding back only to find out when it's too late, you both felt the same way, but were only scared to lose each other so much that you didn't let the feelings out...
*When the one you love doesn't even know you exist...
*When you both know that you love each other but you're scared of losing the friendship you have...
*When you let go of the person because your bestfriend you love so dearly is in love with the same person you love...
*Saying "I Love You" not knowing how the person will respond/reply
Keeping the feelings to yourself... and when you finally let it out, it's too late
*Letting go even if you really don't want to...having no right to say you are hurting because it was your decision
*Bringing back the friendship you once had after a romantic relationship... pretending that nothing happened between the two of you when something really did...
*Having the right love, but on a wrong time
*Letting go. Even when you know it really is for the best
*Having to listen to the one you love talk about the one he/she loves.
*Having to hear "...I've met someone"
*Seeing the one you love with another
*Staying friends even though you both know that you both have very strong feelings for one another.
*Learning to forgive
*Learning to trust and love again
*Believing and convincing oneself the LOVE is not mere feeling but a state of being...
*Having to wonder if what you feel is really love
*Being a fool for the person just to make him/her realize that you love him/her...
*When you know you both love each other very much but your family does not approve of him/her.
*When he/she leaves you knowing that you'll never get to see each other again... and there's no chance of getting back together.
*Falling in love with someone you didn't mean to fall in love with.
*Falling in love with your best friend.
*Letting go of someone who was never yours...
*Finding the perfect guy/girl...with only one problem... he/she doesn't love you...
*Helping the one you love "make ligaw" to your friend.
*Seeing the one you love crying for someone else...
*Going on a wait state for this guy/girl who you don't even have a tiny inkling as to how he/she feels about you
*Breaking a friend's trust
*Jeopardizing your friendship because of what you feel for your friend.
*Thinking that he loves you because of what he does for you only to find out that he did it out of pity or whatever...
*Giving your heart to someone who doesn't give a damn about you.
*Not knowing how you really feel...
*Having the courage to say I LOVE YOU to the person you love and finding out afterwards that things will never be the same again when he doesn't treat you with the same closeness as before...
*Loving another person to the extent that you already end up hurting yourself... the other person sees it, he/she doesn't care... he/she fails to realize that something good is already staring him/her right in the face, people tell him/her and he/she just ignores them...

*If you love him, and he's just infatuated...
the hardest thing about love - believing it exists.


After you've been hurt..
...learning to forgive
...learning to trust and love again

But the hardest thing really is learning to love yourself. We always forget to do this

Always.

"Ever notice how when you're depressed, or emotionally drained, that your heartbeat is stronger then normal. At times it seems as if it's going to beat right though your chest. I think that it's your hearts way of letting you know
that it's still there. It may have been broken, it may have been ripped out of your chest and stepped on. But it still holds life. And eventually, will once again beat strong, and hopefully, love again."

"How the hell did we wind up like this...someday i'm gonna make it allright but not right now"

As I was going through my archives here are some nice thingies that I'd like to post again:

AM: Belinda
I WANT: to be happy and content
I HAVE: me, myself and I
I WISH: peace In my heart
I HATE: Adrian for hurting and betraying me
I MISS:
I FEAR: Loneliness
I HEAR: Ono Lisa's rendition of Moon River (Thanks Jeanboy)
I SEARCH: to find my inner self and the one who will love me till my dying breath (yes! I still have that tiny hope in my heart)

I WONDER: WHAT I DID TO DESERVE THE KIND OF TREATMENT I GOT FROM YOU
I REGRET: FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU AND BELIEVEING EVERYTHING YOU SAID
I LOVE: myself....have to learn how to love myself....
I ACHE: in my heart and in my soul...
I ALWAYS: dream
I AM NOT: happy...not yet...not yet but I will be!!!
I DANCE: inside my room
I SING: anytime i want (ssshhhh!!!!!)
I CRY: when i am hurt.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: a bitch.
I WRITE: in my blog
I LOSE:
I CONFUSE: myself
I NEED:
I SHOULD: FORGET YOU AND MAYBE ONE DAY FIND IT IN MY HEART TO FORGIVE YOU...YOU WHO DO NOT EVEN KNOW HOW TO ASK FORGIVENESS AND UNTIL NOW CONTINUE TO HURT ME...AND FEIGN INNOCENCE IN DOING SO....YOU WHO UNTIL THIS VERY DAY BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED...YOU WHO BETRAYED ME....YOU WHO LIED TO ME...YOU WHO COMPARED ME TO ANOTHER...YOU WHO I LOVED AND WHO PROMISED ME ALL YOUR TOMORROWS...I HAD HIGH HOPES FOR US....HOPES THAT REACHED THE HIGH HEAVENS BUT IN THE END ONLY FOR YOU TO TAKE ME STRAIGHT TO HELL....

Why do men hurt women?

Why do men lie?

Why do men get over someone that fast?

Why do men play around?

Why do men tell you one thing and do another?

bakit pa kse may lalaki sa mundong ito e puro nalang kagaguhan at ka-hurtan ang idinudulot sa mga babae! GO BACK TO MARS!!!

"Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of your time. there are too many mediocre things in life to deal with and love shouldn't be one of them."---A DREAM FOR AN INSOMNIAC

"I can always tell when something big is about to happen. Whether it's going to be good or bad, I can always tell. I can always feel it coming ...."

This is true..i remember that during the last week of December that I had that God awful feeling of losing him. That's why I asked him not to go but he said that he can't daw and so..the rest is history...

I've always hated being "clairvoyant" if I must use the term...yes, i am able to talk to dead people and spirits...see and feel them...I even have the gift of being able to sometimes see the future...like deja' vu but in a weird sense...bwsit...sana nga lang it came handy when he was about to break my heart da ba??? I am not Madam Auring (ay mahilig sa bata?) or Madam Rose (yer lackheee nhamvher...) I am just plain me so please do not ask me to talk to a dead relative of yours or come up to me and say..may nakikita ka ba now?!?! I just fucking hate that...for appointments, see me in Quiapo every friday..sideline ko yan...hahahahaha.....btw, I believe that every is clairvoyant in different levels...mine is just on higher level than others or mas open yung sensory chorvaness ko than others but if you try to tune into yourself and reflect more, you'd discover that you have the same ability as I do...wag lang abusin and keep to your faith.

"people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do"

Here is one of the e-mails that was sent to me by Eric... he is one of those people who helped me get through that turbulent part of my life:

-----Original Message-----
From: Roderick Reinoso
Sent: Wednesday, January 21, 2004 4:23 AM
To: Maria Belinda Perez
Subject: some thoughts from me

Hi Belle,

i just want to share with you two poems that i made for my friends. I know we haven't really known each other that much, but just the same I want you to know that if there is anything i can do to help, just ask. i'm here lang, and as my poems will tell you....this s what i am to my friends. Believe me, you'll be able to sort things out. I can help. I've been there too. :)


I'LL BE HERE

In moments when your heart is rent in sorrow
because of the loss of someone dear,
be not afraid for there is someone near
and will help you face tomorrow.

In moments when your heart leaps in happiness
for reasons you cannot explain,
there is someone who is happy with you
and smiles whenever you do.

In moments when the world goes crazy
and you don't know what else to do,
look no further for someone waits for you
to lead you through the twisted maze of life.

In moments when you feel alone
and the world seems to cave you in,
just reach out to me and i'll pull you out
and hold your hand till you're safely by my side.

In moments when you think there is no hope,
when all your decisions are wrong and failures,
don't despair, don't give up on life,
for i'll be here to boost your spirits.

I'll be here for you no matter what happens,
I'll be here for you no matter how many years go by.
For as long as you'll need me i'll be watching over you
even if i may be very far away.

Should there come a time you'll wonder
if you are near to me,
look into my heart and you will see
that you are there right beside me.


I MAY NOT BE

I may not be there to be with you when you party,
but i will be here when you come back
to hear about the stories and fun you had.

I may not be millionaire that can lavish you with gifts,
but I will be here to shower you with my friendship
that will last throughout the years.

I may not be there to hold your hand
when you need to be consoled,
but i will here to listen to whatever you have to say
should you need someone to talk to.

I may not be there to share life's precious moments,
but I will be here to wish you all the best
and to root for your every little success.

I may not be there beside you
to dry the tears streaming down your cheeks,
but I will be here waiting for you
to comfort you and be with you.

I may not be a lot of things, but this much I can promise you.
I will be here for you...every moment...every day...
for as long as you want me to be.

What goes around comes around.
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.



May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

Virgo Daily Horoscope
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
by Astrocenter.com

When was the last time you heard all about how wonderful you are? Well, if you can stop cleaning long enough to spend time with dear ones, you'll hear it today. Just don't forget to say thank you.

"I believe that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them."

I am sooo sleepy My new sked is now 7am-4pm with fri and sat off. This due to my recent promotion..I just got asked if I want to be an SME. Pero syempre, nakalimutan pa daw ako and they just asked my last friday morning while we were playing badminton!!! tama ba naman yun...it makes me think "you really want me! you really do want me." What I just don't understand is my transition or interim sked from rep to sme ...I was s'posed to be on a rest day today according to my sked as a rep but stan asked me to come in. not for ot but as day 1 of my new position..haaayyyif i went to work pala saturday afternoon, I would've been able to come home mga 2am na tapos wake up around 5am fpr my new 7am sked...thats what i dont get..buti nalang pala i didnt go to work yesterday or else patay ako...actually, patay na nga ko coz Ive been sick since friday....after badminton, I went to shang with Myles for a bit of shopping and lunch coz i was sooo sungry...we ate in cibo. she went home ahead of me since may pasok sya that night. Me naman, I immediately slept as soon as I arrived home tapos when I woke up na around 6pm I was burning up with fever...haaayyyy after several days of working my ass off it was my body telling me ...happy birthday! est- to take it easy and rest pala...haaayy.so I didnt go to workl saturday but wasnt able to enjoy the party since I was sick nga..I was able to sleep na around 2am and woke up early for my new shift today...hhaaayyy basta Im sooooo sleepy....one thing also that has been pissing me off is jeanboy...he doest make me pansin...bwisit..mga lalaki tlaga...

Reg sent me in this in memory of Jeanboy:

Why Haven't you called me?
Did you forget me?
I need to know
when were you intending
to break the silence
and let me know?

Mine is the loneliest of numbers
now is the loneliest of times
you're 19 days late
but still I sit and wait, oh

Waiting and waiting
waiting and waiting
waiting and waiting
waiting on you

who have you been seeing
that made you forget me?
I bet you call him
where oh where does he come from?
I bet he lives close by
I bet he's just a friend

mine is the loneliest of numbers
now is the loneliest of times
you're 19 days late
but still I sit and wait, oh

Waiting and waiting
waiting and waiting
waiting and waiting
waiting on you

waiting and waiting
waiting and waiting
you got me waiting
waiting on you

I asked you if you had a good heart
you answered, "yes, I'll never do you harm"

Every sunday, I'd take my lunch "early" and hear mass in Greenbelt chapel at 730pm to hear some priest who's homilies were always very enlightening and makes you really really think..kaya nga lang he left na last week...but good thing is that he recorded some of his homilies kaya I'd still be able to hear him when I buy his CDs. kewl.



"it is in our darkest hour that we must have faith" (LOTR)

when we transferred from JG Summit Building back to Philam..I missed my afternoon sunset watching ritual...my ws was near the pantry which offered a very good view of the Manila Bay and of course, sunset....

"i'm not saying he's the one who got away ha! but its worth the read." from jean de leon


In your life, you'll make note of a lot of
people. Ones with whom you shared something
special, ones who will always mean something.
There's the one you first kissed, the one you
first loved, the one you lost your virginity to,
the one you put on a pedestal, the one
you're with... and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that
person with who(m)everything was great,
everything was perfect, but the timing was
just wrong. There was no fault in the person,
there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards
just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

When you're not ready to commit in
that mature manner, it doesn't matter who(m)
you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems
become big; inconsequentials become dealbreakers
simply because you're not ready and it shows.
It's not that you and the person you're with are
no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and
little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And
when this happens you'll be ready to settle down
with someone. He or she may not be the most
perfect, they might not be the brightest star of
romance to ever have burned in your life, but
it'll work because you're ready. It'll work
because it's the right time and you'll make it
work. And it'll make sense.

So that day comes when you're finally making
sense of things, and you find yourself to be a
different person. Things are different, your
approach is different, you finally understand who
you are and what you want, and you've become
ready because the time has truly arrived.
There's no telling when this day will come.
Hopefully you're single but you could be in a
long-term relationship, you could be married with
three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is
that you've changed, and for some reason, the one
that got away, is the first person you think
about.

You'll think about them because you'll
wonder, "What if she/he were here today?" You'll
wonder, "What if we were together now, with me
as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one
that got away is. The biggest "Whatif?" you'll
have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the
fact that the one that got away, got away.
No matter how fairy tale you think your marriage
is, this can happen to the best of us. But
hopefully you're mature enough to realize
that you're already with the one you're with and
this is just another test of your commitment, one
which will just strengthen your marriage when you
get past it.Sure, you'll think about him/her
every so often, but it's alright.It's never nice
to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's
already married. In which case it's the same
thing. You just have to accept and know that your
memories of that person will probably bring a
nice little smile to your lips in the future when
you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's
different. What do you do if it's not yet too
late? Simple... find him, find her. Because
the very existence of a "one that got away"
means that you'll always wonder, what if you got
that one?

It doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of
nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might
be "the one that got away" as well for the person
who is your "the one that got away."

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it
won't make a difference. If the timing is finally
right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and
you know, it would be a great feeling, in the end,
to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the
one that almost got away."

Adrian was not the one who got away. He was the one who went away. Carroll was the one who got away for me...sayang...if we could've just been stronger but alas....there really are some things not meant to be...

Times like these, this would be one of the best lines to read. It's a song from Barry Manilow -- "One of These Days".... Show his loss girl!!!

One of these Days
One of these very ordinary days
You're gonna call my name
And I won't be there

After the days
After these very very many days
You're gonna see the light
And I won't be there

And on that day
Somehow I'll find the stregth to stay away
I won't give in
I will not let myself be taken in... again
Oh no my friend

One of these days
Out of the blue you'll start remembering
And I won't care
'Cause I won't be there

Oh, and on that day
I swear I'll find the strength somehow to stay away
I won't give in
I will not let myself be taken in... again
Oh no my friend

That's what I say
That's what I tell myself... I won't give in
So try it someday
And you'll see that I won't be there
No, you know, no, I won't be there...

- Myls :o) -

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship (Casablanca)

A rebound guy he is definitely not...di na pala...it started to be that but how can you not like him (not fall muna...) when ....so many reasons why...basta now he makes me smile and forget about all that is bad about the world...is he healing me? maybe...

when I told him i'll be leaving soon na nga this is what he texted me:

"I could convince you to stay belle..but it'd take time. I believe its like a painting, you gotta draw it with feelings so that the colors will appear in harmony..pag minadali hindi ganun kaganda result"

For one, he is realistic...I am, too, now...I'm used to being sweet talked and being given promises of the stars and the moon but all was for naught...that guys turned out to be a 2 faced lying asshole-loser...he is now sinking in his own quicksand..i got out of mine and Im standing up as tall as I can..this time I'll make it...yes, there will be moments which is natural but again I will not fall back...one day you will see one day you will see...

First cut is the deepest

Would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I had
But if you want I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it comes to loving me he's worst

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
And I'm sure going to give you a try
And if you want I'll try to love again (tryyy)
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it comes to loving me he's worst

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
But I'm sure gonna give you a try
'Cause if you want I'll try to love again (try to love again)
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know, the first cut is the deepest
When it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it comes to loving me he's worst

The first cut is the deepest baby i know
The first cut is the deepest try to love again...

I HATE MIND GAMES!!! (Jonathan Caballero)

Last night I felt like a high school girl who was waiting for her KRAS! hahahaha..everyone was laughing at me and teasing me kse I couldn't sit still while waiting for my sundo..

so after many touch ups later, he finally arrived sa office.....I showed him the right way to go to our office kse daw he'll make me sundo ulet tonight...yiheeee....honestly, he was not even my type at first but ...a like this....I first saw him when he went to my house last friday night..as he alighted (nakanaman...) from his car he seemed soooo appealing...hhmmm mukhang fafable nga ito...but as the night progressed (syempre we all thought dadaan lang pero wait there's more...he stayed till 5am!)...being the laitera that I was...may mga sablay din pala sa kanya and he wasn't really type...if we were in a different time and situation I wouldn't have given him the time of the day...bbbuuuttttt...i kinda like the attention...i like the way he sang...i like the fact that he loves the same music that I like..i likey likey his body..surfer body ito..parng long but buffed...yihheeee...(oops laway..)...but he sang my all time favorite song (moon river) and this almost made me fall in love(????? o ibaba ang mga kilay a..)...

Moon river, wider than a mile, I'm crossing you in style someday,
Oh, dream maker, you heartbreaker...Wherever you're goin',
I'm goin' your way

Two drifters, off to see the world,
There's such a lot of world to see,
We're after the same rainbow's end
Waitin' round the bend My Huckleberry friend,
Moon river and me.

So Jean (no, not you jean my team mate), maybe you're were sent for me a reason just as Adrian was sent for me for a reason..I am realizing that now....Adrian was sent to me so that I could open my heart again...so that I could lessen my idealistic ideas....so i could find my family...you left me but I found myself and my family...So jean (again).....we dunno yet why you were sent for me a reason but let's take everything slooooow...

Overjoyed
(Stevie Wonder)

Over time, I've been building my castle of love
Just for two, though you never knew you were my reason
I've gone much too far for you now to say
That I've got to throw my castle away

Over dreams, I have picked out a perfect come true
Though you never knew it was of you I've been dreaming
The sandman has come from too far away
For you to say come back some other day

And though you don't believe that they do
They do come true
For did my dreams
Come true when I looked at you
And maybe too, if you would believe
You too might be
Overjoyed, over loved, over me

Over hearts, I have painfully turned every stone
Just to find, I had found what I've searched to discover
I've come much too far for me now to find
The love that I've sought can never be mine

And though you don't believe that they do
They do come true
For did my dreams
Come true when I looked at you
And maybe too, if you would believe
You too might be
Overjoyed, over loved, over me

And though the odds say improbable
What do they know
For in romance
All true love needs is a chance
And maybe with a chance you will find
You too like I
Overjoyed, over loved, over you, over you

William Remot says eto daw dapat ang aking theme song...feel free to dance as you sing the song..

At first I was afraid I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong and I learned how to
get along
And now your back, from outta space
I just walked in to find you here with
that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I’d have known for just one second
you’d be back to bother me
Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now cuz your not
welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt
me with goodbye
Did ya think I’d crumble
Did ya think I’d crumble did ya think
I’d lay down and die
Oh no not i, I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love I
know ill stay alive
Ive got all my life to live I’ve got
all my love to give
Ill survive I will survie hey hey
(music)
It took all the strength I had not to
fall apart
And tried so hard to mend the pieces
of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights just
feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry, but now I hold my head
up high
And you see me..somebody new,
Im not that chained up little person
still in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in and
just expect me to be free
But now I’m saving all my loving for
someone whos loving me
Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now cuz your not
welcome anymore
Werent you the one who tried to break
me with goodbye
Did ya think I’d crumble did ya think
I’d lay down and die
Oh no not I i will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love I
know ill stay alive
Ive got all my life to live I’ve got
all my love to give
Ill survive..i will survive ohh go on
now go
Walk out the door just turn around now
cuz your not welcome anymore
....continuing chorus......

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."--Mark Twain

I created my very own first breakup rule: Destroy all pictures where he looks sexy and you look
happy. Breakup rule No. 2: Until emotionally stabilized, enter no stores. Breakup rule No. 3:
Never stop thinking about him, even for a moment because that's the moment he'll appear. And
finally, the most important breakup rule: No matter who broke your heart or how long it takes
to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.
---Carrie (Sex and the City)

A bit disoriented when I woke up coz my mom wasn't there. Turns out she went to Pampanga pala coz they'll be getting mangoes...hhmmm sarap!

Met up with my friend Dennis early this afternoon and over lunch and yosi he made kwento that his girlfriend of 4 years and him just broke up...my poor friend...sorry den, i can really help you this time since I'm going through the same shit right now...we were like 2 drunkards sitting right there in my sala nakatunganga...

A friend gave my number to some guy friends of her and we--eellll....the first guy: he's not exactly gwapo pero he has somekindasorta appeal...i dunno how to describe it though..basta..he was so masipag to text me the whole day tapos friday night he went to our house and stayed till 5am..kala ko dadaan lang yun pala...iba na ito! he was mabait naman and makwento sobra ..into breeding dogs (or is that dog breeding)...they have their own cable company in quezon...he used to be a seminarian..a singer (they had an album with Ivory records...and he's buffed! buffed in a sexy way not parang balloon! the secong guy wasn;t such a texter...he's also into animals since he has his own pet shop in Bulacan (yikes!)..my friend tells me na tlaga nagpapahanap daw sya ng ka date...turns out that he knows my kabarkadas since he was their ka batch in San Beda..small world.

A third guy who I comminicated last thursday, is a former classmate in AC Antipolo. Yes, Ac Antipolo used to have boys from Kinder to grade 4 till they phased it out. A true blue atenista. if your from assumption you'd be familiar with the Cuyugan Buses which they own..he's a surfer...and a trainer in C-cubed (how do they spell it?) but i think he's panget pa e..but he's the absolute sweetest tlaga..if you have time you can check out my testimonial for him in his profile..in my list ang name nya Gani :)

Saturday night naman, more of sunday morning na when I ended my shift, a guy who has been making me kulit if I could go out with him or for him to pick me up tried to kiss me when I finally said yes for him to make me sundo....WTF!!! why do I attract the worse kinds of guys anyway....

how do i write my hurt...how do i write how my heart feels..what do I say...are words enough to describe how I feel...if my heart could cry out its sound will be heard till the high heavens and the deepest part of hell...if my eyes could over flow I would drown in my own tears...my heart is beating so fast that it hurts...is this pain? is this pain never gonna end? will the tears never cease to pour out from my red and swollen eyes? when will this end? When will all my woes leave me....leave me and let me be...

"Sometimes when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing."
---Ally McBeal

For the past few months that my mom has been staying here in Manila, our relationship has vastly improved. I used to despise her to death but in the recent months she has been somone that I've grown to trust and...basta we have a better mother and daughter relationship. It was only a few backs that when I told her that Adrian and I broke up but at that time I didnt tell her the details. This morning-err afternoon pala I told her everything-as in everything. She cried a few times and I almost did, too. She suggested that if di ko kaya to work in the same area where he works that I should leave nalang and just go home. She says: uwi ka nalang. mas magiging mabuti ka pa doon kesa dito. We would be able to look after you instead of you being here with no one to take care of you. Tama na daw na I already sacrificed a lot for him. Its his turn na daw to do something and that if ever who should be doing something to correct the situation that it is him and not me.

Is it possible to be just friends with someone i have these sort of non-moderate feelings for?... Or am I doomed forever to just be in love and ultimately significantly hurt?
-Felicity

This headlins in MSN captured my attention:

March 22, 2004 -- The FDA is issuing a warning about the possibility of worsening depression or suicidal thoughts in people, particularly children, who take any of 10 popular antidepressants, especially at the beginning of treatment or when the doses are increased or decreased.


The FDA has sent a letter to drug manufacturers requesting labeling changes on these antidepressants -- warning of possible suicide, worsening depression, anxiety, and panic attacks in adults and children.

Antidepressants involved in this warning label request are:

Prozac (also sold generically as fluoxetine)
Zoloft
Paxil
Luvox
Celexa
Lexapro
Wellbutrin
Effexor
Serzone
Remeron

"We don't know that the drugs are responsible for these behavioral changes, but nonetheless we're telling physicians and families to be aware of this and that if the behaviors do emerge, to get treatment right away," said Russell Katz, a director with the FDA's Center for Drug Evaluation and Research, in a news teleconference today.

The proposed warning label will "include information about behavioral changes that may occur in patients who are prescribed antidepressant drugs," said Katz.

"This applies to adult and pediatric patients and involves the potential for suicidal thinking or suicidal behaviors and warns the physician and family about any behaviors that might emerge that haven't been experienced before," he added.

But the FDA stopped short of recommending people discontinue taking their antidepressants.

"We specifically decided not to tell people not to use these drugs," said Katz. "We don't think that is necessary at this point."

In addition to looking for signs of worsening depression, the following symptoms may also be a sign of a problem:

Anxiety
Agitation
Panic attacks
Insomnia
Irritability
Hostility
Impulsivity
Severe restlessness
Mania in both adults and children being treated with antidepressants for major depression

If these changes appear, treatment should be evaluated, the FDA says. Medications may need to be discontinued when symptoms are severe, begin abruptly, or if they signal a new disorder.

There also is concern for people who have bipolar disorder (manic depression) but don't know it. Antidepressants have the potential for provoking a manic episode in these people, the FDA says. Doctors, patients, and family members should be on the lookout for any symptoms of mania, including feeling extremely happy or very irritable, inflated self-esteem, not needing as much sleep as usual, talking, or being more active than usual.

Reviewing Studies of Children

The FDA has been closely reviewing studies of antidepressants in children for the past year after an initial report on studies of Paxil and other drugs suggested an increased risk of suicidal thoughts in children given antidepressants. No suicides occurred in any of the trials, the FDA reports.

The analysis has involved 25 controlled trials with 4,000 children taking antidepressants, said Katz. "Those reviews are ongoing."

Today's action "arose from an unexpected observation in some studies of an apparent excess of emotionability, a catch-all term ... that includes suicidal [thoughts]," said Robert Temple, MD, the FDA's director of medical policy.

However, closer examination has shown that the accounts are unclear -- whether certain behaviors reported were actual suicide attempts or other self-injurious behavior that was not suicide-related.

"As we've gone into the studies in detail, it's become evident that the terms used were highly varied and [the studies] not very well done," Temple said.

Experts at Columbia University in New York are providing an independent review of the studies, looking carefully at descriptions of these events to determine whether those cases represent suicidal behavior.

"We hope to have a much better idea whether these drugs are effective and whether or not they do cause suicidal symptoms," said Katz.

"There is an ongoing awareness that children are particularly vulnerable, that they need additional protection, and that we make sure that all the protections are in place," said Dianne Murphy, MD, the FDA's director of Pediatric Therapeutics.

"It's amazing how you make your face just like a wall, how you take your heart and turn it off, how I turn my head and lose it all."

If my heart could beat it would break my chest...
-Spike (BTVS)

hopes were dashed...i thought that I had already seen a ray of light...a silver lining in my storm clouds but alas.......it was naught...it was like a mirage in the desert...tama na nanaman po....medyo masakit na tlaga e.....i'm trying to put a brave and happy face but deep inside my pain is trying to break free...

i can't stand working in the same area where he is so baka mag resign na din ako...i'll just wait for the results of the promotion then i'll go na din siguro....

pinaasa mo ko sa wala...

got this from a friend:

I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin.
I always though of him as a friend until last year, when we
went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with him.
Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him.
And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved each other in different ways.
I always concentrated on him only, but by his side, there were so many other girls.
To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl...
"Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?" I asked.
"I can't"
"Why? You need to study at home?" I felt disappointment grabbing me.
"No... I am going to meet a friend..."
He was always like that.
He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing.
To him, I was just a girlfriend.
The word 'love' only came out from my mouth.
Since I knew him, I had never heard him say 'I love you' before.
To us, there weren't any anniversaries at all.
He didn't say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days...200days...
Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail.
I don't know why...
Then one day...
Me: Um, Jin, I ...
Jin: What...don't drag, just say..
Me: I love you.
Jin: ......you....um, just take this doll and go home.
That was how he ignored my 'three words' and handed me the doll.
Then he disappeared, like he was running away.
The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my room, one by one.
There were many...
Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday.
When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him,
and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call.
But... lunch passed, dinner passed... and soon the sky was
dark... he still didn't call.
It w as already tiring to look at the phone anymore.
Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me
and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house.
Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.
Me: Jin...
Jin: Here...take this...
Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: What's this?
Jin: I didn't give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it
to you now. I'm going home now, bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?
Jin: Today? Huh?
I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday.
He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen.
Then I shouted...
"Wait..."
Jin: You have something to say?
Me: Tell me, tell me you love me...
Jin: What?!
Me: Tell me
I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him.
But he just said simple cold words and left.
"I don't want to say...that I love someone so easily, if you
are desperate to hear it, then find someone else."
That was what he said. Then he ran off.
My legs felt numb...and I collapsed to the ground. He
didn't want to say it easily...
How could he....
I felt that...
Maybe he is not the right guy for me...
After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying.
He didn't call me, although I was waiting.
He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house.
That's how those dolls piled up in my room... everyday
After a month, I got myself together and went to school.
But what made the pain resurface was that... I saw him on a street...with another girl...
He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me...as he touched the doll...
I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell...
Why did he gave these to me...
Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls...
In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around.
Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him.
He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house.
I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop.
I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, that... it's going to end.
Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.
Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?
I couldn't help hating him, acting like nothing had happen and joking around.
Soon, he held out the doll as usual...
Me: I don't need it.
Jin: What....why...
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: I don't need this doll, I don't need it anymore!! I don't want to see a person like you again!
I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking.
"I'm sorry" He apologized in a tiny voice.
He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll...
Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!
But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll.
Then...
Honk~ Honk~
With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.
"Jin! Move! Move away!" I shouted...
But he didn't hear me, he squatted down and picked up the doll.
"Jin, move!"
HONK~!!
"Boom!" That sound, so terrifying.
That's how he went away from me.
That's how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me.
After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him...
And after spending two months like a crazy person...
I took out the dolls.
Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out.
I remembered the days I spent with him and started to
count the days... when we were in love...
"One...two... three..."
That was how... I started to count the dolls...
"Four hundred and eighty four... four hundred and eighty five..."
It all ended with 485 dolls.
I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms.
I hugged it tightly, then suddenly...
"I love you~, I love you~"
I dropped the dolls,shocked.
"I....lo..ve...you??"
I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach.

"I love you~ I love you~"
It can't be!
I pressed all the dolls' stomach as it piled on the side.
"I love you~"
"I love you~"
"I love you~"
Those words came out non-stop.
I...love you...
Why didn't I realize that...
That his heart was always by my side, protecting me.
Why didn't I realize that he love me this much...
I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it's stomach,
that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road.
It had his blood stain on it.
The voice came out, the on that I was missing so much...
"Jo...Do you know what today is? We've been loving each
other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn't
say I love you.... Um... since I was too shy... If you
forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love you...
everyday... till I die... Jo... I love you..."
The tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why? I asked
god, why do I only know about all this now?
He can't be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute...
For that... and for that reason... to me... it became
courage... to live a beautiful life...

we went back to our company's main building which is just beside JG. At syempre pahirapan nanaman sa paglipat..and with no one to help me bring my stuff, I had to drag my huge rollerbox and other stuff from one building to another..dapat kse bawasan e.....

so buti nalang we were situated sa other side ng floor at least mas minimal yung chanvce ng aming pagkikita....pero yun nga lang may chance pa din..naman o!!!!!! sana kse we didnt move nalang e......

We went to the province yesterday and I saw my lolo again. It was saddening to see him kse his health is deteriorating na tlaga..he didnt recognize me na nga tapos he has a difficult time seeing and hearing na din... :,( I had ssat by him until he slept...he was just sitting beside the TV but he really couldn't see and hear what was being shown...hay naku..i hate seeing people that I love like this...i really do...

One of the many reason why I couldn't leave Manila is because of my wonderful wonderful friends


my girls : emer, vianca, kaje and meian

I dunno where I would be without them...if I need someone to defend me to baby me to knock some sense into me or to simply heal, to these girls do I go to. If I need someone to wallow with me I go to Vianca and Meian. If i need someone to knock some sense into me I go kaje. If I need someone to listen to me, I go to beng (not in the pic)..they are all my mother hens and at the same time my konsensya...they're the kind of friends you know will not tolerate it when you do something awful but will respect whatever decision you make...I have been blessed by God to be able to find such good -no- bestest friends that one can ever hope for :)


IcKa girl :) Vianca's daughter na inaangkin namin lahat


ala-teleserye: athea reg ces, kirk and moi!

I Can't Make You Love Me Lyrics
(George Michael)

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me If you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart, and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't

I'll close my eyes and then I won't see
The love you do not feel, when you're holding me
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then, to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

And I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
And here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't

Ain't no use in you trying
It's no good for me baby without love
All my tears, all these years, everything I believed in
Baby
Oh yeah
Someone's gonna love me

“It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.”

-Unknown

hahaha si ty pala kaamoy ni..... :)..share ko lang..i know its corny and creepy but hey! small joys...

"The best smell in the world is that of the man that you love."-Jennifer Aniston on husband Brad Pitt (Who
cares how he smells if he looks like that?)

Lord, i told him na. Everything is already up to you. I am not praying for anything anymore but you know my heart. You know what my heart yearns and cries out for....you know my heart Lord, my fragile and broken heart...

"I got no moves...I'm waiting for a miracle..I'm waiting on an act of God." John Q.

"Who do you run to when the only person who can make you stop crying, is exactly the one who is making you cry?"

Something from Ally McBeal:

Renee: "Snow White. Cinderella. All about gettin' a guy. Being saved by the guy. Today it's The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas. All about gettin' a guy."

Ally: "So basically we're screwed up because of..."

Renee: "Disney."

I just want to re-post this:

Five rules to be happy.

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

For the last couple of weeks or months na ata I've been dependent on my dear mom na.....at the moment i wake up I immediately have this NEED to call out her name mmmooommmmmmmmmyyyyyyy!!!! and she'll come running na agad asking what i want. but when she arrives at my side di naman ako nagsasalita. i guess it was more of the need to feel her presence lang. then she'll fuss over me na and ask if i wanna eat or what i wanna eat....thing is, i've never been close to my mom. when i was growing up, i actually despised her kse she made my life like "hell" but at this age, i've learned to appreciate her na and everything that she has taught me..she may not be the perfect mom but hey you only get one mother...so sana everything works out with our papers para we can all be together na...i wanna leave na din..as much as possible i don't want to stay here na...too much bad memories...too much...

when I saw kirk's picture with his girlfriend, i cried. i cried because I miss him. i cried because....i dunno...y'know i'm just a simple girl..a normal person who wants to be with the man she loves...to find that one person destined to hold my hand until my last dying breath...the one who will father my beautiful children..the one who will make me kwento till I fall asleep...the one who I can lean on to when I am to weak to stand on my own...someone who's kiss makes me weak in the knees...someone who'll sing to me and slow dance with me....haayyy....

...the wonderings of all plain women....what must it be like to be loved? What must it be like to look into the eyes of a lover and know that he sees only you and finds in you all that he has dreamed of for his life's mate...foolishness!!!

Been out of circulation since wednesday coz I got sick..my body finally broke down on its own because its owner couldn't just stop and rest. It was my body finally putting its foot down and telling me to rest...even my mom got mad....

can't make too much kwento...still a bit weak...just pray for me please...thanks :)

Hands to Heaven
(by Breathe)

As I watch you move, across the moonlit room
There's so much tenderness in your loving
Tomorrow I must leave, the dawn knows no reprieve
God give me strength when I am leaving...

So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday

Tonight, I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight, you calm my restlessness
Who'll relieve my sadness

As we move to embrace, tears run down your face
I whisper words of love, so softly
I can't believe this pain, it's driving me insane
Without your touch, life will be lonely

So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday

Tonight, I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight, you calm my restlessness
Who'll relieve my sadness

Morning has come, another day
I must pack my bags and say goodbye...

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

Lord....you know what is in it my heart...

"I’" going to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out all day long. Them after a while, I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed in the morning and breathe in and out. And then after a while, I won’t have to think about how I had it great and pefect for a while" (Sleepless in Seattle)

I do not want to go back to the hellhole that I was in when all these started...I WILL NOT I WILL NOT I WILL NOT!!!!! So as the newbie master said (yes, Jon that's you!) I should learn to forget about him.

Wala akong fone.....ang hirap pala ng wlang fone..shiettttt..as Ces said "sayang yung 7650 mo. They're not worth it."

So for anyone out there who has an extra fone ...pwede pahiram... :)

Lord, give me strength...

“If you wanna kiss the sky,
better learn how to kneel.” (Bono, U2)

Finding the right person is very hard and very wrong...
it is best to be the right person for the one you love and start from there...you'll always end up disappointed when you set standards and define a "right person" for you...and don't rush things coz somewhere somehow God is preparing somebody for you."

Don't be in a hurry to get into a relationship because you can never find love if you insist that you are already into it. Try to find time to really understand your real feelings, to know who you really are,
and what you really want in a relationship. You're right, there's no such thing as a perfect relationship,
but there's a compatible partnership that goes along with it.
If you already knew that you're too big to fit into a small sized t-shirt, don't give it a try.
You'll probably break it and pay for the damages you have made.

If you knew and felt that the relationship will not last, don't go deeper into it. you'll just suffer the consequences and live like hell for the rest of your life. It's really hard to say goodbye though,
but you can't make it any better by just pretending you still have the same feelings. Try to let go and give yourself a chance to live life to the fullest. Give yourself a chance to grow and give your heart a
much needed attention. Then you will find that you have made the right decision and you made it all by yourself.

We call it love when we can't leave someone and see them crying as we try to let go.
We are wrong, it's just pity. We call it love when we're too attached and think that losing the one we love will somehow make us weak and unable to face the storms of life.
We misunderstood, its just that we're too much dependent to them. We call it love when we give our whole life to them, the wholeness of us and imagined that if they leave, no one would accept us and our past. We are mistaken, its just insecurity.

But no matter what the definition is, the truth still remains that love isn't something you can buy or beg. It is real and existing. You can't touch it but you can feel it in your heart.
You can't find it, but it will knock before you when you least expect it to come.
It can make you the happiest soul in heaven, but don't forget that it can also make you the
most miserable person in the whole galaxy...

Its official..I am back to square one...one comment and there I was bawling my eyes out...

fuck myspace and friendster!!! I'm gonna kill the loser who invented it...shit, come to think of it..mas loser ako kse I patronize it...LOSER KA BELLE...

There was a comment in myspace by a friend of THAT GIRL affected me soooo much....that I called him and while talking to him....threw my dear phone and broke it in half..so now I'm not the only one broken but also my phone that..the one that he bought me :(

The message was this:

SO SO SO SO!!! ITS MARCH 7, 2004 HUH?? HAHAHHAHAHAA.....SO YO FEELIN GOOD MAN! HAHAHAHHAHA WELL CONGRATS!!HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA I HPE GNET WNT KICK ME FOR THIS HAHAHAHHA THANX FOR THE COOKIES HAHAHA :p

The girl who posted that there was nothing going on with the other girl and A and that it was just a joke but I told her na sana the next time she thinks about other people naman before she does something like that kse nakakasakit sya...she seemed nice naman but then again she is her friend so hanggang myspace lang kme....

So now I...back to square one ako.....shit...when will this stop!!!!!!!! But its ok....just give me strength Lord. Just give me strength and I will be ok.

"In life, God doesn’t give you the people you want, instead he gives you the people you need. . . to teach you, to hurt you, to love you. . . to make you exactly the way you should be."

Today, I wasn't s'posed to go to work coz I wasn't feeling good when I woke up but when I was about to call the office, I saw my messages from other sups asking me to take care of some things...so I guess, sick or not, I have no other choice...pasok po tayo...i'm sick..tired...badly in need of sleep...emotionally and physically drained but we still have to work...I just hope that something comes out of it though...Im not asking much..I just wanna prove something to someone and of course gusto po natin ma promote....since I sacrificed another offer for this.


"I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining.
I believe in love, even when i do not feel it.
I believe in God, even when He is silent."

I miss him.... :( I haven't been crying lately except last night...I cried sa cab until I fell asleep....please...sana I won't go back to how I was before....I can't endure going through that again...this time baka maloka na tlaga ako ng tuluyan....PLEASE LORD NOT AGAIN....

SMILE by Tamia

Sometimes I sit at home and wonder how it'd be
If he had loved me
Truly loved me yes
I learned a while ago that kind of thing
Never happens for me
And so I go around
And just pretend
Loving life for me
I play the circus clown around my friends
Make them laugh and they won't see
That you never let them see you sweat
Don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord knows it's killing me

So I put on my make-up
Put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me
Everything is okay
I’m laughing cause no one
Knows the joke is on me
Cause I’m dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face
On my face

Sometimes I sit at home
By the phone hoping he might call me
But he don't call me
But then I realize
Dreams come true aren't for girls like me
Not like me
And so I go around with my head up
Like it ain't no thing
And when the boys around with all my friends
I’m into other things
Because you never let them see you sweat
Don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord knows it's killing me

So I put on my make-up
Put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me
Everything is okay
I’m laughing cause no one
Knows the joke is on me
Cause I’m dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face
On my face

It’s not an easy (thing)
Sometimes it’s hard to (face the truth)
It’s not the life that I would choose (that I

would choose)
But what else can I do?
If he don’t love me
If he don’t want me
I’m not about to sit around
Let myself go

So I put on my make-up
Put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me
Everything is okay
I’m laughing cause no one
Knows the joke is on me
Cause I’m dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face
On my face

haaayyy so kelan ba magkakatotoo iotng horoscope ko????

When it comes to love and romance, things are definitely in your favor lately, dear Virgo.
The thing to be aware of today, however, is that there might be some manipulation on the part of someone close to you. Take care that someone else's need for freedom isn't negatively affecting your relationship in any way. Communication is key in order to maintain a healthy romance at any level.

Suicide! (and you know it, so... dont u have
something to do?)


Choose your Dramatic Death (Now w/pics!!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Sandals- peaceful, daydreamy, and thoughtful, you
often find yourself staring into space. When
you aren't out volunteering you are often just
dreaming away. You enjoy the company of
friends sometimes but enjoy peace and quiet.
[please vote! thank you! :)]


What Kind of Shoe Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

My Immortal.

Your Lyrics

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me


What Evanescence song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

How does one know when one should stop holding on and hoping for the one you love to come back????

"It's when you are the only one left in a battle. And you are the only one too eager to stay."

Just saw a pic of Vanessa's baby Van Antoinette...she is absolutely the cutest baby that I have ever seen.. ***gosh*** I WANT ONE!!!!!

I've always been vocal about wanting kids...whether biological or not it doesn't matter...I love kids...I love babies...sana nga my own pero since di pwede sana merong stork bna bigla nalang magdadala ng bata sa akin...sana kamukha ka..cute...hahahahaha feelingera...I tried asking na sa mga adoption houses pero since I'm young and single they won't allow it...kj!

Inaangkin ko na nga yung baby ni Van e...I'll post a pic once I am able to upload it...