"The world has turned and left me here, just where i was before you appeared" (Weezer)

the last entry for 2004...

5 deaths...

1 love lost...

2 what might have beens

so many broken promises

countless tears

innumerable hurt

infinite pain

so many pent up prayers and wishes all sent to the skies and stars above....all remain unanswered...

has God forgotten my address?

when will all the hurt the pain and the tears stop...

annus horribilis as I once described this year...i'm kinda hoping 2005 will be better for me...i almost thought that since this year started on a low note for me that sana it'll end on a high note...and for awhile I almost did think that it was gonna be a happy ending for me for 2004...but, as usual, reality continues to destroy my life...it has been a life on a tight rope...it has been a year that seemed like I was perpetually living in the out house that when I almost thought that I could get out for some whiff of fresh air someone just had to say CUT! Bummer.

"I know I'm not perfect, but I can smile. And I hope that you see this heart behind
my tired eyes." (Dido)


The stars will cry
The blackest tears tonight
And this is the moment that I live for
I can smell the ocean air
And here I am
Pouring my heart onto these rooftops
Just a ghost to the world
That's exactly
Exactly what I need

From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day

For a second I wish the tide
Would swallow every inch of this city
As you gasp for air tonight
I'd scream this song right in your face
If you were here
I swear I won't miss a beat
Cause I never
Never have before

From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day

For a second I wish the tide
Would swallow every inch of this city
And you gasp for air tonight!!

From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day
From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day
From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day

"Maybe I'm happy and I just don't know it." (Ally McBeal)

things that i have to do today:

1. Check my mail and ym messages
2. Fix my room
3. Pay Globe
4. Find a dress for Mitch's Wedding and Dianne's debut
5. Buy a planner
6. Check out Powerbooks' sale
7. List down all DVDs



Something that I read in Inquirer:

Don't dwell on that empty space
By Thelma Sioson San Juan


THIS is one Christmas where we must exert extra effort to find the joy of the season simply because death came one after the other. Never has the yearend seen the front and opinion pages mourning the loss of lives day after day, muting the sound of holiday celebration.

You're surrounded by the news of death near and far, and even of impending loss since you know of at least one relatively young person battling cancer in what must have seemed like an epidemic-no matter how ridiculous a cancer epidemic may sound.

It's a threatening reminder even to the hip and young. What's up with the planets?

Nothing perhaps, it's just the usual cycle. Yet you must steel your heart and keep your heart still so that you catch whatever it is life is trying to tell you. How do you cope with the loss, and how do you listen to its message?

By being quiet and attentive. It is ironic that the drift of the season is surviving the loss. The holiday mood is not euphoric, it is thoughtful and sober.

So how do you cope? No choice but to roll with the punches, so you can muster enough strength to get back on your feet and walk on. In fact, there is no making up for a loss and it is foolhardy to think that an experience could be duplicated or a loved one replaced.

Our friend Alya Honasan even said as much of a dog when her Muffin (her name) died a few weeks ago. Accept and absorb the hurt and wear out the pain. After all, the heart -- along with the rest of the body -- gets fatigued from hurting.

Then -- seize a new moment and live it. The cliché is true, we're just passing by, experiencing moments and people along the way, but never really owning them indefinitely. We can't even retrace our step-that happens only in the mind. There's only the forward motion where time is concerned.

You can't go back, but you can move on. Muster the faith to see only the fullness of the moment, not its emptiness. Don't dwell on that empty space.

Christmas, therefore, is seizing the moment and living it as if it were a blessing, because it is. Let your every moment be an answered prayer. Merry Christmas!

"...You must remember this
A kiss is still a kiss
A sigh is just a sigh
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by....

And when two lovers woo,
They still say, "I love you"
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings....."

"They say when love knocks on your door, open it. But do you know that sometimes love enters through the back door and before you notice it, its on its way out"

Mom: Hello anak!
Me : Mommy!
Mom : How are you? Are you ok?
Me : kinda... :(
Mom: You want to go home?
Me : Right now..yes...
Mom : Uwi ka na
Me : Di ko po alam e...
Mom : Daddy is sick. You better go home no one's taking care of you there
Me : Give me time ha? ha? ha?
Mom : Always asking for time but you never come home

....at the end, happiness is not a destination: it is a manner of travelling and the way you travelled. happiness is not an end in itself. it is a by-product of working, playing, loving and living.....

WAG NA WAG MONG SASABIHIN
(Kitchie Nadal)

May gusto ka bang sabihin
Ba't di mapakali
Ni hindi makatingin
Sana'y wag mo na tong palipasin
At subukang lutasin Sa mga sinabi mo na
Ibang nararapat sa akinNa tunay kong mamahalin

Wag na wag mong sasabihin
Na hindi mo nadama itong
Pag-ibig kong handang
Ibigay kahit pa kalayaan mo
Ano man ang 'yong akala
Na ako'y isang bituin
Na walang sasambahin'Di ko man ito ipakita
Abot langit ang daing
Sa mga sinabi mo na

At sa gabi sinong duduyan sayo
At sa umaga ang hangin and hahaplos sayo

"...pre, steady ka lang..."

One
U2

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame?
You say
One love, one life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
It leaves you, baby
If you don't care for it
Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well, it's too late
Tonight
To drag your past out
Into the light
We're one
But we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other
One
Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the day?
Have you come to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head?
Did I ask too much
More than a lot?
You gave me nothing now
It's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
We will
We hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love, the higher law
Love is a temple
Love, the higher law
You ask me to enter
And then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life you got
To do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters, brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other To LoVe...

Anyone who has gone through the agony of losing someone she loves so much will still wish against all odds to have that love back again. But, sometimes a love lost is a love gone forever. No amount of hope can bring to life a relationship that just died a natural death. Set yourself free. Let your heart spread its wings and fly. Remember, it may rain for 40 days and 40 nights, but still will not rain forever. One day the pouring will stop and there will be plenty of branches where you can find rest. One of these is where you will build your nest and start over again. It's never too late. Remember, you may find love and lose it but, "WHEN LOVE DIES, YOU NEVER HAVE TO DIE WITH IT".

Remember that you cannot be a redeemer all your life. The best way to weigh a relationship is out in the test of fire. You cannot be a sooner of your mistake forever. Remember, we all fail and make wrong decisions but our blunders are meant not to bury us deep in misery but to teach us the valued lessons of life. Loving is always a learning process.

With love, we learn how to care and sacrifice. We learn to share and reach out. We learn to be unselfish and give more than we can. And when everything doesn't end well, we learn how it fells fall, we strive to get back on our feet and move on. This is where we learn that "Life doesn't end where our heartaches begin".

THERE IS NO FUTURE IN A RELATIONSHIP OF LIES AND SELFISHNESS. It's true, there's life in love. But, there can still be life even after losing love if you leave the past behind and let your heart heal and give you the chance to find yourself again. The success of a relationship lies not only in the beauty of its beginning but in its consistency. Make a choice not on impulse but a decision based on a healthy balance of mind and heart. Let us always remember that "HAPPINESS IS NOT A MATTER OF DESTINY BUT A MATTER OF CHOICE".

There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of its when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than friendship. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves.

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO FORGET SOMEONE YOU LOVE. WHAT YOU NEED TO LEARN IS HOW TO ACCEPT THE VERDICT OF REALITY WITHOUT BEING BITTER OR SORRY FOR YOURSELF. YOU WOULD BETTER OFF GIVING THAT THE DEDICATION AND LOVE TO SOMEONE MORE DESERVING". Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow.

"IF YOU LOSE LOVE, THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE FAILED IN LOVE. CRY IF YOU HAVE TO, BUT MAKE SURE THAT TEAR WASHES AWAY THE HURT AND THE BITTERNESS THAT THE PAST LEFT YOU WITH. LET GO OF YESTERDAY AND LOVE WILL FIND ITS BACK TO YOU". And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.

A woman on the rebound could easily fall for sweeping emotions and be made to falsely believe that she finally stumbled upon the right man when what she just found is only someone to cover up for the love she lost. A man who makes promises with words and not with actions may never live up to fulfill them. "IT'S TRUE THAT LOVE CAN WAIT FOREVER BUT IT IS CRAZY TO STUBBORNLY HOPE FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T EVEN CARE OR UNDERSTAND HOW WE FEEL".

Loving someone is never a sin. It is what people do out of love that sometimes makes it all wrong. The selfish desire to want that person is what makes it a sin. Don't think only of your feelings for real love doesn't have a place for selfish people. When there is love, there is always sacrifice.

When we love someone, we NEVER easily GIVE UP on that person. Even if we get hurt badly we always try to find a way to ease the pain and learn to understand and forgive. Loving too much doesn't hurt. It is when we expect this love to be reciprocated that we begin to seek approval and acceptance of the things we have done and when we are taken for granted and rejected, we curse the very same love that we once freely and happily offered.

"DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME WAITING FOR SOMEONE WHO NEVER REALLY CARED ABOUT HOW YOU WOULD HAVE FELT. OPEN YOUR HEART AGAIN AND GIVE YOURSELF THE CHANCE TO FIND THE MAN WHO WOULD MAKE LOVING WORTH THE PAIN AND THE SACRIFICE. Just like anything else, our love grows weak and extent. Beyond that, it withers without any hope of recovery and soon dies".

God wakes us up in the midst of a storm to teach us a lesson. He takes away people we love, so we can learn to value love itself. He makes us cry so hard so we can see clearly when we open our eyes. He makes us bitter so we can realize that there is no genuine happiness if we think only of our needs and not of others.

Relationships built on jealousy and selfishness is doomed from the very beginning. The hardest part of losing love is letting go and moving on. Most of us cry endlessly over things that could have been but never will be.

"God allows us to experience pain to make us stronger and better persons. He will see us through the most trying and difficult times in our lives and only if we put our trust in Him we can learn to find joy in our tears and happiness in our sorrows".

In many failed relationships, separation comes as the inevitable choice but moving on always proves to be twice as difficult as letting go. Sometimes, the end of a relationship is imposed on us, but our choice to hold on is always beyond the control of circumstances.

Letting go is a decision that can never be dictated on us. It is a resolve we make ourselves. Acceptance is the key to a new beginning and time is the healer of all wounds. Even if the storm casts its fearful shadow, there will always be light after our darkness and lonely moments. There is always a hope for those who believe. There is always a chance for those who try. "Losing someone we may not be a loss at all but a blessing because someone even more is yet to come".

There is nothing wrong in expressing our feelings to someone we love, but "we must always be sensitive to the signals that tell us when to rationalize and be sensible." There comes a time in our lives when we would fall for someone who wouldn't be as interested as we are because his attention is focused on someone else.

There are many times when we love but don't get loved in return. There are times when the sign ahead says stop but we still stubbornly head on. We would say our love is unconditional, but if it really is, then we should never feel bad. But why do we get frustrated when love turns sour? Because we still subconsciously seek acceptance and assurance from the people we care about.

Being in love can be the most wonderful thing we could experience but if the feeling begins to consume our whole beings, then we have to stop and let our minds and not our hearts dictate our actions. Only when we learn to accept our fate and understand the meaning of our failures we can truly go on with life without having to look back and cry over the things that could have been but will never be......
"ReAcH FoR YoU... MiSSiNg YoU... SeCrEtLy ReCaLLiNg wHaT HaS BeEn
...I DoN't WaNt To ReMeMBeR"

"I haven't felt the way I feel today
In so long it's hard for me to specify.
I'm beginning to notice how much this
Feels like a waking limb... pins and needles..."



...sala sa lamig sala sa init...

"I've done the marry-go-round,
I've been through the revolving door,
I feel I just met someone I can stand still with for a minute
Don't you wanna stand still with ME?"

isang palatastas sa aking mala teleseryeng buhay:

"It is with great regret that I must confirm that the wizard styling himself Lord - well, you know who I mean - is alive among us again," Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge

see you in the Summer of 2005 Half-Blood Prince!

eto ang Merry Christmas tlaga! San ka pa? Ayos! Timing is everything tlaga!

...sala sa lamig...sala sa init...anak ng!

the veil closes for me...no more...no more..no more chance to get hurt...

An Old Fashioned Christmas
(Frank Sinatra)

Give me an old fashioned christmas, an old fashioned christmas,
Family faces, wide open spaces, covered with snow, Right now my mom there in the kitchen, basting the christmas bird, You'll have to take my word, you can't find that at the automat.
An old fashioned fireplace, give me an old fashioned fireplace,
My heart remembers smoldering embers, warming your glow,
I'd trade that whole manhattan skyline, the shimmering steel and
chrome,
For one old fashioned christmas back home.


Just a few more hours and its gonna be its gonna be my fourth Christmas in the office...

unlike most people I don't have anyone to go home to pag Christmas..pag new year..pag labor day...pag holy week....pag Nov. 1...or any holiday for that matter...
My hope for everyone is that this never happens to you....



Merry Christmas everyone :)

Kisses and Hugs from me...know that I wish nothing but joy and happiness for you and may God bless you and keep you.

Blessed Be!

From Seed:

"I may not know your pain, but I know mine...
and I know my pain comes and goes.
it goes when I begin to trust again...
trust the other person to be doing what they have to be doing
trust that I myself am ok, and I'm going through what I need to be going through right now for some reason.

trust God to take care of me - to provide the best for me....for us...

but only when I....we trust Him.

in other words

when I become "detached" from the outcome.
when I let it be - and know the best is yet to come...when I let go.

and by the way- what does it feel like when i let go?
peace.
that's the only single word to describe it.
it's goodit brings clarityit lets me live again...it lets me take care

¤ The face can speak of a thousand emotions but it can easily mask what the heart truly feels. Don't be fooled...for the happiest face may be masking the most hurting heart. ¤


what do you know of my hurt
what do you know of how my tears fell for you
what do you know of my pain
I held on for you...

But you will never hear anything from me...the more hurt I feel the quieter I become


They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life that I can't control

They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that' s fading away

You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Hang on to the good days
I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times
But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe
Blame me for what's happening
I can't try, I can't try, I can't try...

No one knows the hard times I went through
If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over
I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away

Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive

I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

this is exactly how I feel right now...don't mind the fact that this is the new Batman movie poster...look at how the shoulders stoop...overwhelming sadness....

"I'm ok....the next time you hear me say that...stop for a while, decode my smile, look me in the eye, and take a peek inside my soul..."

i feel like a huge cross is perched on my shoulders and with every passing day the weight just keeps on getting heavier and heavier...is this my Via Dolorosa..my dusty road to Galilee before I reach my Golgotha where I can unload my heavy burden?

I feel so alone amongst the people I know and love...I feel so separated from the world...with their knowing smiles and teasing looks...they do not know the cross I bear...they do not know what overwhelming sadness simmers beneath my practiced smile...

would you bear my cross with me?

Alas, t'was not meant for you to carry my cross or to share my load...this back breaking load is for me and me al0ne to bear...no one to share no one to know...

Sa panahon na ang pagmamahal na dadaan sa text...sa panahon ng digital karma...sa panahon ng mabilisang emotions...Bakit di ganito kadali ma-grant ang lahat ng kahilingan ko?

1: say yourself, say the name of the only guy or girl you wanna be with 3 times!

******************************************************************

2. Think of something you wanna accomplish within the next week and say it to your self 6 times!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3. If you had 1 wish what would it be? say it to yourself 9 times!!!

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4. Think of something that you want to happen between you and that 1 special person and say it to your self 12 times!!!

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5. Now, here's the hard part! pick only 1 of these wishes and as you scroll down focus and concentrate on it and think on nothing else but that wish & final wish about that one wish that you picked.

After reading this, you have 1 hour to send it out to 15 people, and what you wished for will come true within one week! The more people you send it, the stronger you wish will be! The more, the better!!!!

Kahit na po hindi World Peace or something chorvalu for all mankind kse alam ko na hard yun e so ang kahilingan ko nalang po ay sana bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep...pwede na yun Lord for me. thank you :)

December 10 na! Ako ang pinakamaligayang nilalang sa buong mundo. lahat nagsshopping na. cept me. lahat nagplano na kung ano gagawin nila sa christmas bonus nila. cept me. lahat gumigimik na kung sansan. cept me. lahat binibilang na kung magkano nalang ang natitira sa kanilang christmas bonus. cept me. lahat nagwworry na bakit ang bilis maubos ang christmas bonus nila. cept me. lahat naiinis na sa haba ng mga lines sa mga atm machines. cept me. lahat nagwworry na san mas ok bumili sa divisoria or sa greenhills. cept me. lahat nagpapakasaya na sa piling ng kanilang mga christmas bonus. cept me.

kase nakalimutan ako ng aking magaling na companya. wla pa akong Christmas Bonus. Lahat meron na daw. cept me. ayos!

Renee: "Snow White. Cinderella. All about gettin' a guy. Being saved by the guy. Today it's The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas. All about gettin' a guy."

Ally: "So basically we're screwed up because of..."

Renee: "Disney."


it all started when my dad got me an old tape (read: betamax) of Pinocchio and Sleeping Beauty. I was young then so it was quite mind boggling for me to like a movie because of storyline or lighting or whatever movie review jargon one can think of. I learned to love Disney Movies because...well, because they're nice...usual kiddie emotion. Then came more Disney movies for me..graduated to Mills and Boon...to Sweet Dreams (Yes, dearies, in THAT order!) to sweet Valley High to Judith McNaught books...yada yada yada..it was downward spiral from then...

Such mediums fuzzed my mind and made me the romantic fool that I am now (Foooollleesssshhh!)...I grew up (For lack of a better term) thinking that there would be some Knight in shining armor riding in his arabian horse to appear one day in my down trodden life to rescue me from my tower and sweep me off my feet...it was never taught in life 101 or even in Love102 that such scenarios DO NOT EXIST! (Huuuwwaaatt!!!) It was just another figment of some joker's over active imagination or gonads to let the world think that such pathetic beliefs do exist. My bubble had to be pop-ed through the ol'e tried and tested way of getting hurt by a man...ooppsss there goes my bubble...mooooooooommmmmmmmmmmm!

Algebra, Eco or how to dissect a frog never made sense to me. If love was taught in gradeschool and Highschool it would've been more useful to me. WHY was such things never taught in highschool? or in gradeschool? Y'think I should sue Assumption and all the nuns? HA! I was taught how to write the much envied Assumption writing. I was taught how to market or how to sew an apron but never was I taught how not to believe in men's lies or how to protect my heart. If I was then maybe I wouldn't be as fucked as I am now.

At least I know how to write the Assumption way. flawlessly. San ka pa?

Now where's my writing book? Maybe with more practice I'd be able to get a hang of all these....

some RULES to follow...LISTEN UP!

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.


2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him alone.

4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

6. Don't force an attraction.

7. Slower is better.

8. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

9. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

10. Have faith in God regarding your relationship,but don't let faith make you stupid. God does things decent and in order.

11. Don't settle.

12. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

13. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship--take that as a BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with a man like that?

14. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

15. Honorable men take care of their business and aren't involved in a whole lot of mess.

16. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

17. There's only one 'reason' a man dumps you; he doesn't want you.

18. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

19. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.

20. Always put yourself and your happiness first.

21. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

22. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.

23. Like from the show Sex and the City, if he doesn't call, he just isn't that interested.

24. Be honest and upfront.

25. Know when to cut the cord, don't be strung along.

26. Don't fall for the "I'm confused role". Remove yourself from the situation to let him figure things out (but don't wait for him, move on).

27. If you want to have a clue as to how he will treat you, watch how he treats the WOMEN in his family (not just mom).

28. There's more than physical abuse, there's emotional and mental abuse. If he causes any of them...flee.

29. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within.

30. Don't let him place rules on you that he is not willing to follow himself -- double-standard.

31. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more
education or in a better job.

32. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

33. Demand respect and if he can't give it, he can't have you!

34. Don't compete with other woman, but be aware that men are attracted to what they see.

35. If you think he is cheating, he probably is. Confront him right away and if you feel he's lying, let him go.

36. Actions speak louder than words.

37. Never let a man define who you are.

38. Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that.

39. Never borrow someone else's man.

40. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

41. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt you and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be with him.

42. To use painful hard-won wisdom -- 'get it right' the next time.

43. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the #1person in your life.

44. Love is a verb ...

45. Learn to give up your lifelong task of trying to make someone unavailable-available, someone ungiving-giving, and someone unloving-loving.

46. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

47. All men are NOT dogs.

48. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.

49. If you don't love self...you can't love anyone else.

50. You cannot mend someone else's broken heart.

51. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about
baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

52. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complementary...not supplementary.

53. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

54. NEVER give more in a relationship than you are getting out of it.

55. Never become your man's "therapist".

56. When actions and words conflict, believe the actions. Respond to the actions.

57. A real healthy relationship requires two people. One person can end it - but it takes two to make it work.

58. Don't fall for the "I'm not the loving type"...when a man loves you there is nothing in this world (within reason) that he wouldn't do for you.

59. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him he takes it for granted.

60. Give him his space...let him go out with his boys, don't pressure him to spend time with you, You cant force a man to hang out with you.

61. If you wouldn't allow your daughter to be with him you shouldn't.

62. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

63. Never move into his mother's house.

64. Provide financially for yourself and don't depend on anyone.

65. Never co-sign for a man.

66. Never believe you have the perfect guy and he is so innocent.

67. Never spoil your man; let him spoil you.

68. Never let a man mess up your credit.

69. When it's time to let go; let go.

70. Good men should be treated like good men.

71. Don't play games.

72. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

73. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

74. Compatibility in terms of educational attainment, values, beliefs, personal and career goals, and socioeconomic status, are important.

75. Never date a guy who wears colored contacts

"Memories is a good thing if you don't have to deal with the past." (Before Sunset)

I'm na psy-psycho na! argh! i know you have to accept someone's past pero bat ganun...isang malaki and malalim na HAAAAYY!

I can accept the reasoning that you parted as friends and you treasure the happy moments and whatever BS you wanna give me but treasuring it to the point na you keep your pictures sa wallet and sa phone?....isang malaki and malalim na HAAAAYY!

..more pa later...basta psycho na ko!

...its coming over you its coming over me
im crashing like a tidal wave and i dont wnna be stranded...

wasn't able to blog. wasn't able to finish doing my christmas decors. i wasn't able to finish watching my dvds. i wasn't able to have my eye glasses fixed. i wasn't able to pay my bills...why? i was busy being happy...

"Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be." (Carrie SATC)

Closing Cycles
(Paolo Coelho)

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.

If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us.

What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate he books you have at home.

Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.

Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain
loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment."

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.

This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important. Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

"Love is a commitment of the heart that will stand the test of wavering
emotions, intellectual rationalizing, circumstantial allure, hormonal
infatuation, and even the wounds of your lover. Anything less is not true
love."

"Deny the truth to avoid suffering."

If you're afraid of something what would you do? Do you confront the fear or run away?

I choose to run away. I usually have the Bahala-Na attitude with my fears but not this one. For this I choose to run. High tail it to the highest mountains if need be. Why? Because I'm scared what this feeling will do to me and to think that it may even be something that will do me good or something that I'll like....

Are you scared of some rides in the amusement park. Say, for example, Anchor's away or the space shuttle in Enchanted? I am. But scared shit as I am it doesn't prevent me from thinking several times if I should go with my friends and brave it with them. It doesn't prevent me from standing on the sidelines watching my friends shrieking their heart out and at the same time smiling from the thrill of the ride. I stand there hoping that at some point I'd be able to let go of my fear...at some point...but not yet

what have I let myself into.......

Damaged
(TLC)

I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that I've been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time

And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if you?re all mine
I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through
Don't know what you got yourself into

And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (I think you should know)
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It?s nothing to you

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should

...and I'm about to run away. won't you hold my hand to calm my fears before I let go of my second chance on love coz my fear is drowning me... (Adnileb)

Fear
(Sarah McLachlan)

morning smiles
like the face of a newborn child
innocent unknowing
winter's end
promises of a long lost friend
speaks to me of comfort

but i fear
i have nothing to give
i have so much to lose here in this lonely place
tangled up in your embrace
there's nothing i'd like better than to fall but i fear
i have nothing to give

wind in time
rapes the flower trembling on the vine
and nothing leads to shelter it
from above
they say temptation will destroy our love
the never ending hunger

but i fear
i have nothing to give
i have so much to lose here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing i'd like better than to fall
but i fear
i have nothing to give
i have so much to lose
i have nothing to give
we have so much to lose

kaje: wassup with ur lovelife?
hundun : hey
hundun : 'eto scared shitless
kaje : why're ur blog entries like that?
hundun : why?
kaje : like as u said it.. love makes u scared shitless?
hundun : yuh


kaje : love is love. savor it while u can.
hundun : i know
hundun : kaso its the emotional investment
hundun : that im wary of
hundun : he's not nman pressuring me *edited*
hundun : pero everytime we're together makes me fall deeper and deeper
hundun : punyeta
hundun : i like all the kilig stuff
kaje : when u worry about it too much, and about what happens next, u take for granted its presence and the momentum gets lost
hundun : pero....
kaje : iyanla vanzant says, our thoughts create reality.if u keep thinking u might get hurt again, then that's what u just might get in the end.
kaje : dont ruin the rest of ur life just bec some jerk broke ur heart. this could be the person who could give u what ur looking for.
hundun : i know but..really really scared
kaje : what're u scared of? that u'll get hurt?
kaje : it's inevitable
kaje : and as they always say.. it's a risk
hundun : the hurt
hundun : lahat

kaje : ayyy
kaje : *TOOT* only 22
hundun : yan pa ang isa!
hundun : he's younger!
kaje : and ur?? ...*TOOT*
kaje : aw sorry.
hundun : bothered na nga ko sa age gap namin ni aids dati na 2 years
hundun : eto namn mas bata
kaje : it only becomes an issue if you make it one.
hundun: pero still the thought
kaje : rmember R and C?
kaje : they're 22
kaje : it came to mind
kaje : but it doesnt matter.
hundun : eeee...
hundun : it doesnt ultimately pero its at the back of my mind
kaje : why do u complicate ur life soo much?
hundun : I DONT KNOW KATHERINE I DONT KNOW!!!!!!!!!
kaje : isa kang masochista
hundun : i guess it because life has thrown me a lot of curveballs that i just keep on batting and batting not knowing if i'd ever hit the ball or not
hundun : *its
kaje : youre giving urself unnecessary problems.
hundun : and that's why imma pitcher...
hundun : *baseball pun
kaje : if ur a pitcher, it means u can pitch the ball any direction u want. why not go for the straight throw?
hundun : thing is...in this game im not the pitcher
kaje : LABO MO
hundun : life is the game and i'm not pitching
hundun : life does
hundun : just like everyone else im just a batter
hundun : and im the fourth batter at that
hundun : so, in baseball terms, thats the worst batter
kaje : I get ur pt. I meant, labo mo kase. Now here's a another chance bein thrown ur way. another shot at what-might-be a great love... and ur complicating it too much.
kaje : take away the garble of being the batter and the pitcher.
kaje : leave it to just: belle and *TOOT* likes each other.
kaje : enjoy it while it lasts.
kaje : if not, then move on.
hundun : hhaayyy...
hundun : this year's love better not last
hundun : better last pala

I have kwento!

all i know was that we were going to Bora on the 19th and that our flight was at 920am. that was all the information that i had and that was all that I needed to know...

Bora though beautiful was not what I thought it was...the sunsets were spectacular though...yes, the sand was like powder and they never seem to get hot...and so did I...food was great...water was clear...clear enough that i could see that @#$%)#&*#_$ fish that prowled around my feet...go away fishy fishy..tin:they're friendly fishes! nakasmile pa...i want my fish on my plate and not kissing my feet!

i'm not a swimmer...on the beach i'd rather stay on the sand underneath the sweltering rays of the sun trying my damnest to get myself a tan while reading a book and listening to my cds...and that's what I did...that, for me, was my personal heaven...

...Daydreamed on the bank again
I was swimming with the fish
And I thought this time that it may be true

But My toes just touched the water...


and I am back...and not as dark as I wanted to be...

this'll be my last post for this week...

at exactly 920am i leave the wasted land of Manila and off to B O R A C A Y



... the shores of Bora are waiting for me to read and dream on them...

"takot na ko magmahal..i know na masasaktan lang ako..." so goes the message from my friend...
MeatMarket's latest entry goes: "Can you really walk out of a relationship unscathed? If so, how? If not, how many times do you have to be hurt to give up on gambling your heart?"

love love love and all that hullabaloo...

if we know for a fact that loving someone entails that we will somehow get hurt by the person we love then why, for Hell's sake, still go through it over and over and over again like a masochist shouting "more pain, dammit! moooooreee!"

beats me, dude.

HA!

i don't think i'm the best person to ask about such things...

in matters of the heart, i'm not a subject matter expert.

but here's my singko na butas worth of thoughts...love and pain they go together. one cannot exist w/o the other. it has always been that way and always will be...if we can love someone w/o the pain that would be just swell...but pain was teamed up with love to make it human...love in itself is an emotion that is overwhelming and divine...it is an emotion that will consume you and push you to the highest heaven and deepest hell...pain is there to keep your feet on the ground. it teaches you that what you have now may be fleeting. it teaches you that love w/o sacrifice is not love at all...it teaches you that love cannot be contained but instead should be like a stream flowing steadily through every bend and rock it encounters until it finds it final destination..it teaches you to treat every day as if its your last because you never know what tomorrow brings..it teaches you to suck the very marrow of life until it yields to you its very essence....pain or at least the feeling of being and getting hurt remind us that we are humans...that in this big and crazy world we need people to make our life's journey interesting and colorful...

there is no one that I know of who have emerged from a relationship unscathed or unharmed but may it be a deep gash or a life threatening wound, I know that we will still love someone or something as we go through our miserable lives. I know that though we profess to never love again we know that the only bandage that'll soothe our hurting heart or the only medicine that will ease our pain is love...that i know for sure.

i have loved and lost many times in my life and still I am loving...or at least trying to. and it's not because I love the feeling of pain or being hurt..GAWD No!...but it's because despite all of the pain I've gone through and all of the tears that I've cried, my heart still longs for that one person who will love me ~faithfully and enduringly...it's because my heart still yearns for its better half..its because despite the cynicism in the world I still want to love and be loved in return...yes even with pain...

kung hindi ka nasasaktan ibig sabihin hindi ka totoong nagmamahal. Kung naghihintay ka nang kapalit sa pagmamahal na binibigay mo ibig sabihin hindi ka totoong nagmamahal. Ang tunay na pagmamahal hindi naghihintay ng kapalit. binibigay ang pagmamahal ng walang kapalit. ng walang hinihintay na pagmamahal in return. it may be masakit but its true. it may be corny but its true. ayaw mong masaktan pero nagmamahal ka? Nagmamahal ka kaya ka nasasaktan.

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."
- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist-

drowning...

i'm drowning in your eyes under the yellow sign and the stars...
won't you cover your eyes
give me time to breathe
before you drown me with your soul seering stares...
-adnileb



...when I first knew
Was when I first looked at you
And if I Can't find my way
If salvation Seems miles away
I'll be found When I'm lost in your eyes...

"I know you can be underwhelmed, and you can be overwhelmed, but can you ever just be, like, whelmed?"

13 Random Things You Like
13. the smell of (old) books
12. the smell of dawn
11. when wave swallows my toes as if saying let go of your fears and i will wash them away for you
10. kids! babies! kids! babies! Kids!
9. being held by the man i love
8. being kissed on the forehead
7. being given a "smelling kiss"
6. unexpected and sincere compliments
5. autumn leaves falling all about
4. sunday walks in Makati
3. my sunday afternoon ritual
2. when my mom or dad calls me anak
1. slow dancing (which I have never done)


12 Great Movies
12. An affair to remember/Love Affair
11. Casablanca
10. Breakfast at Tiffany's
9. face/Off
8. Air Force One
7. Gladiator
6. Sneakers
5. Juana De Loca
4. The Negotiator
3. Red Violin
2. Troy
1. LOTR


11 Things About You
11. I still dance and sing infront of my old second hand dresser
10. I have flat feet. I compensate by wearing deee-vine shoes!
9. I'm SLO
8. I don't know how to cross the street
7. I don't know how to tie my shoelaces
6. I'm a brat
5. I'm very very sensitive but learned to hide it with a big smile and my trademark by-line : ok lang
4. I'm madaldal but secretive as hell when it comes to talking about myself
3. I'm OC but my room is a mess
2. I'm medyo deaf
1. I'm pikon


8 Favorite Foods/Drinks
8. Cadbury's Fruit and Nut
7. Mediterranean's Grilled Chicken
6. Coke
5. Cafe Breton's Mango Banana Crepe
4. My dad's cooking (sshhh don't tell my mom!)
3. Greenhills Turon
2. Cibo's La Foresta
1. Watermelon and Mango Shake


6 Things That Make Happy
6. Surprises
5. Sunrise and sunsets
4. Notes and love letters
3. shoes and bags!
2. tags and comments in my blog
1. nice photographs

One Greatest Fear in Life

Being alone...

am i confused or what?


Welcome To My Life
(Simple Plan)


Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok

Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance, and the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It's the one who won't be taken that never learns to give and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live."

this is so apropos!

everything is a blur...


now i'm dazed confused and...scared shitless...serious talks scare the hell out of me...it turns my self protection mode on *viper on*

dazed and confused...

"It doesn't take very long to love someone. Not when you look through the eyes of the heart." Marlyn Langer

230am
i've been staring at my pc for 42 minutes and I still don't know what to blog about. my yosi's ubos na and I'm still here not knowing what to write. I'll sleep first...need to recharge my thinking cells

1212pm
still the same..much more now...

a thousand miles and i gather strength from you still...

Kaje: ay belle, punyeta, gulo ng utak mo.
Belle: i know
Belle: i know
Kaje: kung sino yung magsistick no matter what, yun ang importante. kung sino mamahalin ka ng totoo. hindi yung sasaktan ka lang. hindi yung pangmadalian, unless yun ang gusto mo.
Belle: of course not
Kaje: and of course, kung sino yung talagang gusto mo.
Kaje: the one who you cant be without.
Belle: haaayyy
Kaje: yes.. parang pipili ka na ng papakasalan noh..
Kaje: i mean can be without
Kaje: i mean cant be without .. tangangertz talaga ako
Belle: that was nice
Kaje: at least for now
Kaje: dont think about forever okay?
Kaje: that thought complicates things.

I miss you Kaje :( You were the group's non chalant-i dont care girl. You always had wise words for your madaling ma-attach-mahirap-mag-let-go but pretty friends Remember when jerk and I broke up, you were the first one i texted because I knew then that i need your strength and i needed your non chalant devil may care attitude to rub off on me. Now, a thousand miles away, i'm still gathering strength from you...still hanging on to your wise words hoping that they may instill some sanity in my life...

morning kiss..icka girl and not-not-so funny-tita belle =)

got home nga relatively early pero here I am blogging at 230am when i should be resting since i've been very sleepy and tired for the past couple of days...it may not look it but really i am...add that to the fact you constantly worry about things that, as Kaje said, I shouldn't even be worrying about...hassle!

Sullen Girl

Days like this, I don't know what to do with myself
All day and all night
I wander the halls along the walls and under my breath
I say to myself
I need fuel to take flight

And there's too much going on
But it's calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

Is that why they call me a sullen girl, sullen girl
They don't know I used to sail the deep and tranquil sea
But he washed me shore and he took my pearl
And left an empty shell of me

And there's too much going on
But it's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
It's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

"If there's any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed, but... who cares, really? The answer must be in the attempt." (Before Sunrise)

when it rains it pours...smiling like a fool as myls said...ikaw lang ang nakita kong naka-smile sa Excel...escalated call nakatawa ka?....

can't blog about it...can but won't is more like it...

Saturday night, was spent in Richmonde Hotel with my friends Meian, Emer, Vianca and Vianca's kids Ique and Icka.

checked out of the hotel around 130pm headed straight for Breton for supposedly a nice and quiet reading time--not! i wasn't even able to finish my food...again, i won't blog about it...such things happen only when you let it get to you..when you let that kind of emotion get the better of you...argh!...i have the choice to feel or what not feel in such situations but...but...fuckin A! use your head Belinda not your heart!

in the office right now, essential tools are down. finally have the time to catch up on my reading...feeling lethargic, confused and kinda sad...one word: HHHAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!

I know this is old but I found this as I was cleaning some of my e-mails:

Something to think about . . . .

What would you do if every time you fell in love with someone ...
you had to say good-bye?

What would you do if every time you wanted someone ...
they would never be there?

What would you do if for every moment you were truly happy...
there would be 10 moments of sadness?

What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow ...
and you never got to tell them ...
how you felt?

What would you do if you loved someone more than anything else, and you ...
could never have them?


"If you love someone you say it, you say it right there and then, out loud, or the moment just...passes you by." - My Best Friend's Wedding

still unable to blog. my apologies...still overwhelmed

being the good citizen that i am, I exercised my right to vote for the first time in years! unlike here in the Philippines, one doesn't have to go to the polling place that's swarming with squattery like people as long as you registered before hand that you're overseas. So I submitted my FPCA (Federal Post Card Application) and poof..i didn't even have to leave to comfort of my house...

CNN Update: Bush wins. This means more jobs for those in the callcenter industries.



colds + sorethroat + cough + slight fever= me sick

"A hurting heart is a loving heart. Don't hold back on love just because you've been hurt before; what matters is that you have loved well. You will one day get the love that you truly deserve"

optimist belle. that was what i was called. i never thought of myself as an optimist until someone described me as such. am I really? maybe I am. maybe I'm not.

I always thought, though, that I wasn't. I wonder what made him say that. Is it because of despite my bad experience with men that I still would want to venture to that love dating thing? Is it because despite of the bad things that have happened to me in life that I am able to see the silver lining in the darkest of clouds? Or is it because despite of everything, I still have faith that one of these days I'll be happy?

Oh well...then maybe I am. jeezuz! I wasn't one before but I guess that's what one becomes when one has seen the darkest of nights and the lowest of lows.

"I will be your accident if you will be my ambulance."

so fine call me optimist Belle. I'll be a ray of light in the darkest of days. I'll be the silver lining in the darkest and heaviest of clouds that hover above your life. I'll be the ice cream in your spaketchup party. I'll be the alcohol that'll disinfect your infected life. I'll be the song that'll be your LSS. I'll be the yosi you need to smoke when you feel tensed and overwhelmed by all the negativity that surrounds you. I'll be the wind that'll cool your warm face on a hot day. I'll be the falling star that you can wish on on a starless night. I'll be shore that you are longing to see when your tired body needs a place to rest. I'll be the extra banana in your lunch box. I'll be the shades of your eyes when the sun is shining so bright. I'll be the ambulance of your life and maybe...never mind...

"Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts." Charles Dickens





Because I know that Tin wouldn't watch a romantic movie with me and since I'm probably the only person left in Manila who hasn't watched "Before Sunset" is there anyone who wants to watch this movie with me during my fabulous restdays (wednesday or thursday)? I know i'm such a loser..even my guy friends have all watched this movie..

P.S. I'm not gonna make libre oh-key!!!

Before Sunset
12:55 PM
2:50 PM
4:45 PM
6:40 PM
8:35 PM
10:30 PM

Saturday:

People made sure I woke up early for our Mixed Basketball game in RFM gym. We won. Di man lang kme pinawisan. Default kse yung kalaban hehehehe

Sunday:

After my shift, my constant 'date' Tin and I ate in North Park. Got home around 3am and hit the sack as soon as my head felt my bed. Woke up at 7 or 8. saya! kulang sa tulog ulet! Lounged around a bit before I headed to Podium to wait for Jon and Kirk to pick me up.

Mixed basketball. The 2 monster "girls"! We lost :( Kainis. Found out after the game that I hit one of guys I was guarding. He said that I elbowed him and also hit him somewhere that made his voice squeak! sorry :D Nanalo naman kayo so peace na tayo.

Men's basketball. Heard that some people were betting that we'd win the championship. Touted as underdogs and a come from behind team who have never won the championship since the sportsfest started in PS played the most freakish game I've ever seen. At bakit lahat wlang gana!?!?!?! ggggggr (with 1 r!)...we had to settle for 2nd place. not bad na din. pero bad trip pa din.

Over all, it's not so bad. 2nd place for both mixed and men's and a championship in Badminton. yeah!

Below are our boys. short orders lang po girls :D


(l-r) Stan The Man and the original hearthrob, Chris, Nic, Pretty Boi Roy,Hearthrob (?) Chester, William, Raffy (back), Kirk, Mike (46) and Jon (in yellow)

sunday night, after shift I went back to Grilla. Si andrew kse e! stayed for a couple of minutes then had Den-Den, Tom and Kel pick me up coz my chest pains just won't go away. Went to MMC's ER. had some checks--x-ray and ECG and the nurse had to give me some injectable pain reliever. Kel stayed with me the whole time and kept on making me laugh the whole time with his magic tricks and his singing. chest pains and laughter. saya! Got home at 3am again. Next time no strenous activities okei! (Does "S" count?)

last thursday night.....Determind to get a good night and full night sleep, I'm back in my old bed in my mom's bedroom, got a good book (Archer's Sons of Fortune) to read till I fall asleep, a tall glass of water beside me and I'm waiting for the 2 tablets of sleeping pills that I just popped to work its magic on me and I'm off to la la land...nuninuninuninuninuninuni........oops, let's not forget to put the tv on sleeper mode....woke up 6 hours later....still sleepy, drowsy and masungit....it never works...pak shet!

today, i woke up sooo early after sleeping around 3am...kse nag date pa kme ni tintin ulet...for my 11am game...we'd be playing against Elink which has 2 monstrous looking women --women ba sila? or orcs? bengay will be my bestfriend later...

"If you want it you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse." Sunjay Gupta

wrote something awhile back that I'm making some kind of list and I'm happy to tell you that I haven't finished that list until now!

So I'm pressuring myself to make that list on-line...pressure...pressure...pressure!

2004 Goals
1. Lose weight (my forever goal) and do spot toning (dream on!)
2. Take up a sport (is sleeping a sport?)
3. Renovate my room!
4. Fix books..check!
5. Pay off ALL debts...almost there!
6. Travel (pref. via plane to renew frequent flyer miles)
1) Bora
2) HK
7. Go to the beach before year end
8. Get over jerk.....BIG CHECK!
9. Decide what to do after I resign
1) go home (to the states)
2) go back to law school
3) teach

so far ive barely accomplished everything in my list. i'm trying to pursue #1...and I'm done with #s 4 and 8. with 2 months to go i strongly doubt if i'd ever be able to accomplish all of them but then again, there's always next year to waste with list of goals that I never seem to finish...do i hear the clock ticking fast somewhere?


i was that thin before..notice the difference? ;P

i'm cleaning up my Friendster messages and here are the latest funny messages that I got and as usual pang international nanaman ang beauty ko hahahahaha..I'd like to thank Meian (a.k.a Summer and Loneliestperson) for taking THE picture~~taba and all :)

be friend??
Message:
hi wanna friend?im m/30/ukmy yahoo id: ferdaushahmedif want to chat with me welcome
bye
faisal

From: Sameer
Date: June 2, 2004 3:06 PM
Subject: HIYA Message: HI im Sameer hope u dont mind to add me as a friend my yahoo address is yd_devil@yahoo.comTHANKX :)
From:
Sexy
Date:
March 6, 2004 4:43 AM
Subject: Hello Beautiful LADY
Message: Hello,You are nice looking. Why I didnt see a beautiful girl like you when I visit to Philippines?If you send me message I will be very happy. Pls take care. See you....

***I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I HID MYSELF FROM THE LIKES OF YOU, YOU RODENT LOOKING--UGH-PERSON

From:
Trevor
Date:
March 6, 2004 5:31 AM
Subject:
Re: Hi
Message:
Even you dont know me, I hope this site give me a reason to have friends...Thanks and GOD BLESS

Belinda-Maribel wrote:> do i know you?> >

Trevor wrote:> > Just want you to add on my list of friends, can > > we friends? > > > > email: monteros@lycos.com

***I HOPE THIS SITE NEVER GIVES ME REASON TO KILL MYSELF


Message from my first stalker of the year:
From: Ryan
Date: March 28, 2004 4:13 PM
Subject: Re: hi
Message: sorry if na ofend kita , my name is ryan guarino, 25 yrs old, taga pasig, single, work me eastwood call center as a technical support, graduate me ece -engineering sa ue? tatlo kami magkakapatid panganay me hope nakilala mo me kahit papano, ok lang ba kahit cell# mo lang thanks nga pala for calling me sweetee

Same stalker:
From: Ryan
Date: March 29, 2004 11:58 PM
Subject:
Re: hi
Message:
baka pwede mo me bigyan consideration na malaman ko cell# mo???take care

From my second stalker:
From: Xhristian
Date: May 15, 2004 5:29 AM
Subject:
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Message:
ah thats the second NO or the second no reply everytime i ask that question.mind me asking why?why?



From:
Concho
Date:
June 1, 2004 9:11 PM
Subject:
hey
Message:
your one hell of a lady!heaven must be missing an angel.WIsh we could talk formally.got a #?

10 Things:

10 things I enjoy watching
1. CSI (on tv)
2. News! News! (on tv)
3. kids playing
4. Sunsets
5. People
6. Just shoot me (on tv)
7. Will and Grace (on tv)
8. Futbol (Viva Real)
9. Baseball
10. people I love *heart*

10 favorite places
1. Libraries
2. Breton in GB3
3. SF
4. Velasquez Park
5. Greenhills when its not crowded
6. Old Powerbooks in Arnaiz
7. AA Retreat House
8. my old bed in my mom's bedroom
9. my room
10. in the arms of the man i love (wishing out loud )

All curses must end...even if it's Boston...The Red Sox won the World Series after 86 years defeating the Cardinals in a sweep 11-9 , 6-2 , 4-1, 3-0.

I couldn't sleep last night. I got home at 2am from my usual wednesday night out and was not able to sleep till 5am and woke up at 10am...sarap...think i need my sleeping pills again...

took a bunch of quizzes while I was waiting for my mind to sleep and here's one funny test that I took

The Zodiac Match
(TestDate The Right Sign For Your Personality) <----is there even such a thing????? Belinda, the best Zodiac Match for your personality is Cancer

Cancer, the Crab (June 22 to July 22):

This emotional and imaginative partner is just your type. Initially, a Cancerian may catch your
eye because of their romantic ways and dedication to you. But as you get to know them, you're even more likely to be drawn to your Cancer's practicality and ability to nurture you. People born under this sign tend to be true-blue, loyal partners who are willing to devote their hearts and souls to their close relationships. Because of the deep investment they'll put into others, Cancerians can be easily hurt and may seem overly sensitive at times. However, more often, Cancers are simply warm and compassionate mates. In the bedroom, you may find the Crab a bit hard to coax out of its shell — at least at first. Cancers can be somewhat timid lovers in comparison to other signs. Typically, a Cancer's nature is to value family above all else. As a result, if you can make a Cancer happy and earn that familial title, you can be sure that this partner will always be there for you.

I don't think I know a lot of people who were born under this sign...checking my calendar...there's no one that I know who's birthday fall between June 22-July 22 not even any female friends ***scratches head*** ..let's try checking any cute celebrities who's birthday falls under that sign....as if....hehehehehe....brad pitt john travolta? ben affleck...kevin spacey? gabriel bryne? christian bautista...

and so 2 weds ago, it was farting contest inside Tom's built to last batmobile and last wed, it was comparing Ferrino's bibingka in 2 different branches. last night it was going all the way to Mang Jimmy's near UP and eating 3 huge dishes of tapa, porkchop and siZig and 2 gargantuan plates of rice that disapperead in 10 minutes and next week promises to be another interesting wednesday since we'd going to this place they've been going to in Binondo~another girlie bar...hay naku...

eversince i got wednesday thursday off, i've been spending my wednesday nights with 2 of my oldest friends Den and Tom. Oman (from a previous misconstrued post) and those 2 are just part of a 9 boys and 1 girl (?)-that's me barkada...if they hear refer to us as a barkada I'll be the laughing stock of these guys till the next century. Not a lot of people know that I am more comfortable being with guys than with girls. why? because they're easier to deal with. i hated having girlfriends who would flock to the bathroom in throves or spend an hour or two deciding on where to eat. i abhor that kind of "practice". Coming from an all-girls school just makes one wonder why I have this inclination. one word: abner.

Not until I started working in Etel did I meet my would be life long friends...story reserved on a future entry...going back, I have always been comfortable having male friends. maybe it's because I grew up (no pun intended) in an all male household. Until 2nd year HS, I was the only girl in a family of 5. my mom always hated it when I'd play ball with my male cousins who used to live with us and my 2 brothers. That meant learning to play ball or else be stuck playing Barbie and lutu-lutuan all alone. So at a very young age, I've been playing ball---basketball and baseball with my male ensemble. My kuya Angelo-who's now a captain in the US army stationed in Germany, my kuya Mike, my younger bro Ton-Ton and, yes, even Stupid Dog. Stupid Dog is my older brother who I know abhor for being the total embodiment of being kupal and other cousins and their friends who'd always make tambay in our house since we used to have our very own half court at home. Some of those friends were Tom, Dennis, Kel (my some kinda ex), Eric, Oman.....So my all male barkada who used to be friends of my younger bro ton are now my oldest set of friends.

The same barkada who had the guts to make me their messenger and deliverer of notes loveletters and flowers to their girl of the moment-even if it meant, when I was still in GY, not sleeping till 2pm just to make sure that I deliver all of their packages. The same barkada who brought me to live shows and KTVs---these are not your usual red box and IO ktv okei! The same barkada who I have slept with--tabi tabi in one queen size bed. 4 width challenge males (Barnie, Fred, Oman and Rusty), 1 stick size (Tom) and me all sleeping in one dusty bed. Imagine that plus the smell of fart till the wee hours of the morning. They were having a who's fart smelled the "sweetest" contest and I was the judge-B L E C H ! ! ! and li'l o'le me was sleeping at the end of the bed so I was always being bumped off the bed. after that incident, I picked a new bed mate who always made sure na I had my own space-eric. but he snored the loudest! oh well, one can't have her cake and eat it too.


Blues are some of the most loving, nurturing and
supportive personalities. They live from their
heart and emotions. Their purpose for being on
the planet is to give love, to teach love and
to learn that they are loved. Their priorities
are love, relationships, and spirituality.


What Is Your True Aura Colour?
brought to you by Quizilla


I CANNOT SLEEP AND IT'S 5AM!!!

maybe this is my love story...

maybe unlike other people who have been blessed to find their life's soulmate

i am destined to never find that one person who will love me enduringly and faithfully until our dying breath...

maybe fate has other plans for me

maybe no serendipitous moment will ever pass my way or will ever knock at my door...

maybe...

but i would like it to be otherwise...

i would give my life's breath to find my north star

i would give my life's breath to find...to find that one person who will stop the world in an instant just by the mere sight of him

...a love that is always constant and lit even in the darkest of nights

a love that will live for me and only me

a love that will melt all the pain and will dry all the tears

a love that will be like summer snow...warm and cool

a love that is like the wind when you wake up on christmas day...exciting and full of joy

a love that is like the first ray of the sun...pure and warm

a love that will be...just how i feel now...chaotic but purposeful...with so many ideas but just has one intent and that is to love...to love one person until our days have waned and our time has passed...

"Is there anyone out there coz it's getting harder and harder to breathe."

Is it easy for you to show mercy to those who hurt you? It's easier perhaps to make things difficult for them and make them feel the misery we suffer, right?

But the way Jesus deals with difficult people is that of mercy and compassion. He didn't brand or condemn as eveil those who put Him on the spot and accused Him. When your heart finds it hard to show mercy, try again. Look at others with Jesus' eyes. The mercy and compassion we give may be the very ones we need for ourselves!

the dam broke...

I've been listening to Jane Monheit for the past 3 or 4 years and seeing her music video (duet with Michael Buble) is such a relief that her star is finally rising... if you like jazz, try listening to her...commercial commercial...


the curse is finally broken! 86years after Babe Ruth "cursed" the Boston Red Sox for trading him to the New York Yankees they finally were able to break it when they won the American League Championship...against the yankees at that and at the "house that the babe built"...babe ruth must be cursing at his grave....being a Giants fan there's really not much to celebrate about ..'cept barry bonds i guess...

Fighting temptations:

Temptation #1:
when it itches you don't have to scratch but sad to say and stupid me I gave in...I didn't feel any better afterwards...I even felt..blech!...as Boi_bitch said it was like making love to an uber ugly person..pak the shet...belinda bonks her head with a baseball bat... why did I have to give in to that fucking urge..punyeta ka maria belinda...bonk bonk bonk....next time when it itches DO NOT SCRATCH!...left with the feeling of drowning in a sea of mud....horrible!

temptation #2:
my material weaknesses are shoes bags cds and books...went to M1 last sunday before my usual sunday morning breton ritual and bought miself 3 cds!...another bonk...i should learn how to make tipid...but i can't..really can't..i am weak...i am mapurok...hihihihi :) no new cds muna....argh! as if..hafta fight the urge...it's the devil in me that forces me to give in to my temptation...

i will make tipid! i will make tipid! i will make tipid! i will make tipid! i will make tipid! i will make tipid! i will make tipid! i will make tipid! i will make tipid! i will make tipid! i will make tipid! i will make tipid! i will make tipid! i will make tipid! i will make tipid! i will make tipid! i will make tipid! i will make tipid! i will make tipid! i will make tipid!

temptaion #3:
been eyeing this pair of nike cross trainers for months...finally bought it yesterday...my mom will probably kill me when she gets he cc bill next month..i an almost hear her voice...$73 for a pair of shoe (echo...echo..)...ma, halabyu! i'm your only daughter that i'm sure you miss terribly..momsy! you're so sexy.....chargeback ko kaya? hehehe..bad belle bad belle...

hafta go..kirk will have my head if i don't show up for my basketball game later at 11am!

been itching to update but a myriad of thoughts just circles through my mind....too many thoughts..too many to conjure up just one bubble of thought.....aarrggggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

off to my restday...bad trip..my dsl at home is busted...fuckin' A.

We're on a roll!!!

Reality continues to ruin my life....now why am I not surprised?

my lolo daddy died last October 8, , he was 89 y/o. that's the 2nd death in the family but the 3rd in my immediate circle.

Marc sez that tragedies come in 3's. So i'm guessing that that's the last for this year since that's the third death although if you count by tragedies that would be more than 5 na ata...so isn't that over doing it?

do i have to enumerate them one by one? no more na please

so that's why I haven't really blogged for the last couple of days..been really busy and was in the province since saturday...

got see a lot of my relatives who I haven't seen in ages! some of them I don't even recognize and their parents had to re-introduce them to me...being the eldest apo both in the Perez and Tan family, everyone bows to me...all hail!...hehehehe di naman...they just refer to me as ate even if most of them are way way taller than me...

making lamay had its ups and downs...i now know that sleep deprivation is never the way to lose weight..nope...i thought i'd be able to lose some pounds but ..nope...nothing happen..nil..naa...zilch..zzeeerrroo!...but making lamay gave me the opportunity to get to know some of my relatives...found out that some of them are just born geniuses (now why did I not get that gene?), that one is going through teenage menopousal at the age of 22 (yes, that's the first time I heard that such a thing can happen, too), that I had 2 cousins-twins at that, are currently in the seminary..sayang ang ggwapo pa naman, that one was kulit enough to smoke a joint beside legal smoker me and when one of my gullible tita's asked what he was doing he immediately said that it was just his insaler!..hay naku...looks like insanity runs in the family!

my last post generated quite a number of reactions...just a clarification..Oman was my best friend before work and a man came between us and somehow wedged an imaginary wall between us...i use to have a huge crush on his older bro eric. eric, too, was my friend first before Oman and I got close. he used to tease me that in "friend levels", he ranks 2nd to his brother and that if I had to choose, i'd choose eric instead of him. Hard headed person as he is, he never believed me when I said that he's # 1 and that he's more important to me than his brother (ego..ego...ego...) and now...I miss him...a lot...i miss the old oman who used to take care of me and used to nudged me to smile whenever he'd see me frown...is that romantic love...i don't know...if it is...i don't even want to explore that possibility..why...because i don't think I'd ever learn to trust again....


Pano ka gigising ng umaga kung napakatagal ng gabi?
Pano ka aahon sa kadiliman ng gabi kung ang gabi ang humihila syo pababa?
Pano ka masisiyahan sa umaga kung nilunod ka na ng kalungkutan ng gabi?
Walang bituin sa langit
Lahat sila nagtatago mula syo dahil hindi nila mapawi
ang kalungkutan mo sa bawat hiling na isisigaw mo.
Pano ka na ngayon?
San ka pupulutin?
San ka sisilong sa ulang ng lungkot?
Sa basurahan?
Sa basurahang puno ng maduduming pangako

"We are lovers, not fighters."



wednesday night was spent with my oldest friends...as usual the night yielded no decent pic except for the one that I'm posting. that's Oman. short for Norman Paul. I miss him. a lot. it's been awhile since we last saw each other and things are not so good right now...somehow reality got in the way...work and love built an invisible wall between the 2 of us that it got so high for us to climb...if he only knew...i miss him a lot...he was my sweetest and dearest friend...he'd accompany me everywhere, cut class for me, eat my tira, bring my heavy bag, listen to me even if my kwento was paulit ulit, keep my secrets, be my pillow, always made sure that i was comfortable...everything...he doesnt know about this blog...so i'm safe...if you only knew i loved you more than your brother...

Once, as my heart reign when night seemed forever,
I was with you.

Once, in the care of morning
in the air was all belonging.
Once, when that day was dawning
I was with you.

How far we are from morning,
how far are we
and the stars shining through the darkness,
falling in the air.

Once, as the night was leaving
into us our dreams were weaving.
Once, all dreams were worth keeping.
I was with you.

Once, when our hearts were singing,
I was with you.