back from the dead and i am not happy about it
not all of you know why my last entry was like THAT. Let's just say that it was s'posed to be my last entry.
to everyone who knows, thank you for all your prayers and for the time you lent me to just listen to all my blabbings and endless ramblings. You do not know how much you have helped me go through each moment of this very difficult time. You just saved a damned soul.
I am now trying to pick up the pieces. The pieces that are shattered into a million and one pieces. I do not even know where to start. But here I am trying to pick each minute piece with blood on my fingers and tears in my eyes....
We're friends now...i guess that would suffice for now. We've talked about it several times. Ako yung makulit. It told him not to damn me for being makulit because I'm fighting for us...er..what used to be us, i guess and that If situations were reversed he would have done the same thing. And situations are noew reversed indeed. I feel na ako na yung nanliligaw sa kanya. It's something that I had never done before. But I'm doing it because this is my life that I'm fighting for. I just hope he realizes this-soon. Don't judged me for doing it. Someday, when you find that person you love with all heart and soul and who loved you almost to the point of putting you on a pedestal, you'll know and understand what I'm going through. The world is an awfully big place, y'know. That if you lose sight of the one you love, you might never see them again. So hanging on is what I'm doing.
"The road to nowhere leads to me."
I've been going back to my roots lately. Re-discovering my old habits. So far so good. There are times that I just feel so exhilarated er-at least para may kakampi ako after praying. So that's what I do. If i'm in one of my down moments I pray para I'll forget the hurt. Yes you read it right. I;ve been praying. I was agnostic for the last couple of years but here I am asking for his help when I am in need and there he was accepting me with no qualms...no questions...no judgement..nothing...so baby steps to going back....and this time, as i promised, for good na. Had my first confession in years kanina...shucks...kakahiya i didnt even know how to! but still the priest granted my absolution and gave me penance. I cried during that confession. I cried when I was doing my penance. I cried again when I was in the park doing my daily night visits. I cried when I read my goodbye letter to him. Here is a part of that letter::::
"Know that I loved you like no other. I gave you everything that I had to offer and more. I guess that it wasn't enough for you. I hope that you find that one person that will make you happy forever. I love you and know that I love you still no matter where I am and that i will be watching over you and keeping you from harm. When you suddenly feel a slight wind grazing your face. Know that it was my hand touching your lovely face. If you feel suddenly warm and protected know that its my arms that is wrapped around you...protecting you, keeping you safe and keeping you warm. If you see a shooting star in the heavens, know that it's me giving you the opportunity to talk to me. Giving you the chance to tell me what you want and wish for so that I can ask God if he can give whatever you want and wish for.
Hon, remember the letter that a woman wrote about her husband that was an Engineer? Please remember me by that story.
"When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness. Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form...flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands...
and that's our life..."
I love you my sweetik, my honey. You are the love of my life. YOU are my life.
PS: I left you some things. my last pay and money that I'll get from my clearance, I authorize you to get. You need it, I know.
Tutto a te me guida (everything leads me to you).
Be happy, hon and don't work too much..... (taken out)
I love you. I love you. I wish that I can touch you one more time but I can't...or else I wouldn't be able to get the courage anymore to leave.
Belle
...an ye harm none, do what ye will....
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