My doctor says that I am insane and I have a couple of months to live...

I was just s'posed to see my mom's old doctor (lahat ng family doctor namin matatanda na. lahat doctor ng doctor ng older relatives ko. my mom doesn't trust young doctors, y'see) sa skin but as she (the skin doctor or derma) was talking to me. asking me why ang dame kong rashe and sugat all over the body, she asked if I'm stressed sa work. So i told her evertyhing na and she spoke to me along with her psychologist daughter who happened to be there. And she told me that with the way I'm "living" now and treating my body, I may be dead in a couple of months or a year daw. Aside from my gastro, the mother and daughter team was sooo nice and understanding. Unlike other doctors!!! They gave me ointment for my skin and meds for my "depression". Hahahahaha....at ang mamahal ng gamot ko. sa I spent a total of 1, 600 sa ointment and meds that they gave me tapos I haven't bought all of my anti-depressant med kse naman pagkamahal mahal 100.25 pesos isa! dyosme! lalo akong maddepress nyan e.

My mamahalin ng gamot is Zoloft. And sabe sa website nila:

Everyone can go through times of feeling down or grieving for a while after having suffered a loss.

But for people with the medical condition called depression, feeling very sad or having no interest in activities can go on for a long time. Sometimes, this happens for no apparent reason to people whose lives are going well:

A life-long tennis player finds she doesn't want to play anymore, and feels restless and unable to concentrate much of the time

A busy young man feels "blue" for weeks, can't sleep, and loses weight even though he is not ill or dieting

And sometimes, depression can be brought on by a major life event:

Months after losing her job, a woman still feels "blah" and has no interest in looking for a new job

A year after her mother's death, a woman still feels sad, and thinks about suicide sometimes

Depression is not a sign of weakness or a character flaw. It is a medical condition.

Signs and Symptoms of Depression:
The term depression refers to:
a persistent sad mood and/or
loss of interest or pleasure in most activities
And is accompanied by some of the following symptoms:
Changes in appetite or weight
Changes in sleep patterns
Restlessness or decreased activity that is noticeable to others
Loss of energy or feeling tired all the time
Difficulty in concentrating or making decisions
Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide

I finally told him na I'm letting him go na. We weren't able to talk about it after I told him kse he had to go na. When I placed the phone down, I felt a heavy burden was lifted from my shoulder but at the same time I wanted to cry. parang isa dam na sasabog na. So, I drank na my "drugs" para makatulog agad. mahirap na. ayoko ng makatulog ng umiiyak ulet.

I managed to get 7 hours of sleep...woooohhhhooooooooo!!! ganun pala ang tulog...sana forever na ito.

finally got The Present from powerbooks. Sana maganda nga and makatulong....hahahaha yes it is a self help book. shucks...nakakahiya...i'm so fucking messed up.

BATTERED HEART

My heart, please stop beating
For once, please stop feeling
You've been hurt so many times before
But still you keep on askin for more
What is it you want? What is it you're looking for?
What is it you want to feel? My heart would always implore
All the time you know that they love another and not you
Why is it you try to keep on pushing until you're all black and blue
Beaten by love that were not meant to be
Why is it that this is so hard for you to see
Do you find pleasure by so doing?
Seeing defeat right through the center of your being?
Can you stop for once and start feeling less

Please, my heart, stop and give your self a rest


Just got back from my nightly ritual of going to the park. it's near the office lang but i heard that it's not that safe. well, bahala na si Lord. i go there every night. to talk to God. to myself. to cry (which is most of the time) and to just be quiet. I've been doing a lot of that lately. But tonight, I prayed to God to give me strength. I'm letting him go. This is on of the most difficult decisions that I have made. To finally face up to the truth and let go of him is like asking me to stop breathing. Yes, that is the sad and harsh comparison. I prayed to God to give me strength and courage to make it through. I surrendered ti him all of my tears, pains, worries, jealousies, heartaches and my love for him. Bahala na si Lord sa akin. One habit that I've formed is that whenever I feel jealous, hurt or scared I say the hail mary over and over and over again until such time the hurt or the pain ceases and it works. So as I write this painful entry, in my mind I am saying the hail mary because the pain is almost unbearable. Lord, ikaw na bahala sa akin.

I am sick. My health is failing. My mom terms it as "parang kandilang nauupos". I can't eat. I try to pero konti lang tlaga. Isang platito na nga lang kinakain ko di ko pa maubos and whatever I food that I am able to eat, my body expels it din naman. So somekinda bulimic na ito. I can't sleep. Eve if my body is so tired na di pa din ako makatulog. Sleeping pills doesn't work na for me. Maximum would be 4-5 hours na of sleep pero most of the time I only get 3 hours of sleep lang. No matter how hard I try to go back sleeping, ayaw pa din. I am always lethargic. wala akong gana sa kahit ano. even talking to people takes a lot of energy for me. nakaka drain agad. i have no more energy. my moods are like a cycle. one minute masaya and another i am crying. my friends say na i should see a doctor..to what? for them to tell me na my health is failing. i know that na. what else is new. i don't know what to do anymore. my body is still mourning with my heart. nakikiramay ang katawan ko sa puso ko. rest in peace, heart. rest in peace.