i've been quite pricky for the last few days (exercising and not eating well for the past 3 days hasn't helped). Hey you gotta gimme some space here...its my time of the year anyway...ngayon lang ako magpapapakaimportante with a license...so sino nga ba naman ang hindi? i guess everone wants to feel important of their day...everyone wants their surprise parties and their gifts...haaaayy...


Well, yes, my big B is just around the corner..just like the perennial cherry blossoms near the Tidal basin, a somber cloud descends......my life after so so years, after all, have not been on the level or plateau where I envisioned it to be...i do not have my white picket fenced house. i do not have my own family (read: 2.5 kids..) i do not have financial independence and so the litany goes on...


some naysayers might say that I should be happy since I have Alessi..and yes I am...he is my life...my whole life...and seeing him makes me extremely happy but we're talking about personal goals here ok...(ayan just making sure...pwede nyo nang ibaba ang kilay...)...and as I said i wish that there was more...I wish that at this time of my life I was content..i do not want a huge house with all the luxurious amenities that life can offer...i just want a kitchen that overlooks a garden where my kids would be playing...i want a porch that overlooks the street..that's where I would sit at the appointed time when my partner is due to arrive...i do not want all the money in the world...as long as I and my family can eat and buy the things we need i would be fine...i do not want someone who's at the very top of the corporate ladder...as long as he loves me and our family then i would be ok...but alas, the time hasnt come for me to experience all those...not yet (insert: optimism) but I know that I would ...i've been a good girl for God not to grant my wishes...

but after that has been said and done....after all the hopes, the dream and the wishes..all i wanted was for me to sit back and rest my weary shoulder into my beloved's warm embrace and whisper out loud that i am content with what I have done and content with what I have been and that is all that matters


DID I MAKE SENSE?!?!? reading through what I just wrote...NO...just read between the lines...

"Do you believe in love? I bet you don't, you're probably too sensible for that. Have you ever seen someone and you know that if only that person really know
you, they'd dump the perfect model they were with and realize that you are the one they want to grow old with? Have you ever fallen in love with someone you've never talked to? Have you ever been so alone you spent the night confusing a guy in a coma?" -WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING

"I like being a mess. It's who I am."

i finally faced my demons...i finally had the guts to decide on my own..i finally...finally did it...been a long time coming..


Who wants to be balanced? Balance is overrated!"

some say I was selfish...some said that I had guts..

who cares..i did it for my self..for alessi...

its been such a long time that I forgot how to smile...its been a long time that I forgot to look for the silver lining...its been a...long...time....


"That's the way things come clear. All of a sudden. And then you realize

how obvious they've been all along."

and so another chapter closes...

let it be let it be