I just want to re-post this:

Five rules to be happy.

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

For the last couple of weeks or months na ata I've been dependent on my dear mom na.....at the moment i wake up I immediately have this NEED to call out her name mmmooommmmmmmmmyyyyyyy!!!! and she'll come running na agad asking what i want. but when she arrives at my side di naman ako nagsasalita. i guess it was more of the need to feel her presence lang. then she'll fuss over me na and ask if i wanna eat or what i wanna eat....thing is, i've never been close to my mom. when i was growing up, i actually despised her kse she made my life like "hell" but at this age, i've learned to appreciate her na and everything that she has taught me..she may not be the perfect mom but hey you only get one mother...so sana everything works out with our papers para we can all be together na...i wanna leave na din..as much as possible i don't want to stay here na...too much bad memories...too much...

when I saw kirk's picture with his girlfriend, i cried. i cried because I miss him. i cried because....i dunno...y'know i'm just a simple girl..a normal person who wants to be with the man she loves...to find that one person destined to hold my hand until my last dying breath...the one who will father my beautiful children..the one who will make me kwento till I fall asleep...the one who I can lean on to when I am to weak to stand on my own...someone who's kiss makes me weak in the knees...someone who'll sing to me and slow dance with me....haayyy....

...the wonderings of all plain women....what must it be like to be loved? What must it be like to look into the eyes of a lover and know that he sees only you and finds in you all that he has dreamed of for his life's mate...foolishness!!!

Been out of circulation since wednesday coz I got sick..my body finally broke down on its own because its owner couldn't just stop and rest. It was my body finally putting its foot down and telling me to rest...even my mom got mad....

can't make too much kwento...still a bit weak...just pray for me please...thanks :)

Hands to Heaven
(by Breathe)

As I watch you move, across the moonlit room
There's so much tenderness in your loving
Tomorrow I must leave, the dawn knows no reprieve
God give me strength when I am leaving...

So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday

Tonight, I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight, you calm my restlessness
Who'll relieve my sadness

As we move to embrace, tears run down your face
I whisper words of love, so softly
I can't believe this pain, it's driving me insane
Without your touch, life will be lonely

So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday

Tonight, I need your sweet caress
Hold me in the darkness
Tonight, you calm my restlessness
Who'll relieve my sadness

Morning has come, another day
I must pack my bags and say goodbye...

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

Lord....you know what is in it my heart...

"I’" going to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out all day long. Them after a while, I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed in the morning and breathe in and out. And then after a while, I won’t have to think about how I had it great and pefect for a while" (Sleepless in Seattle)

I do not want to go back to the hellhole that I was in when all these started...I WILL NOT I WILL NOT I WILL NOT!!!!! So as the newbie master said (yes, Jon that's you!) I should learn to forget about him.

Wala akong fone.....ang hirap pala ng wlang fone..shiettttt..as Ces said "sayang yung 7650 mo. They're not worth it."

So for anyone out there who has an extra fone ...pwede pahiram... :)

Lord, give me strength...

“If you wanna kiss the sky,
better learn how to kneel.” (Bono, U2)

Finding the right person is very hard and very wrong...
it is best to be the right person for the one you love and start from there...you'll always end up disappointed when you set standards and define a "right person" for you...and don't rush things coz somewhere somehow God is preparing somebody for you."

Don't be in a hurry to get into a relationship because you can never find love if you insist that you are already into it. Try to find time to really understand your real feelings, to know who you really are,
and what you really want in a relationship. You're right, there's no such thing as a perfect relationship,
but there's a compatible partnership that goes along with it.
If you already knew that you're too big to fit into a small sized t-shirt, don't give it a try.
You'll probably break it and pay for the damages you have made.

If you knew and felt that the relationship will not last, don't go deeper into it. you'll just suffer the consequences and live like hell for the rest of your life. It's really hard to say goodbye though,
but you can't make it any better by just pretending you still have the same feelings. Try to let go and give yourself a chance to live life to the fullest. Give yourself a chance to grow and give your heart a
much needed attention. Then you will find that you have made the right decision and you made it all by yourself.

We call it love when we can't leave someone and see them crying as we try to let go.
We are wrong, it's just pity. We call it love when we're too attached and think that losing the one we love will somehow make us weak and unable to face the storms of life.
We misunderstood, its just that we're too much dependent to them. We call it love when we give our whole life to them, the wholeness of us and imagined that if they leave, no one would accept us and our past. We are mistaken, its just insecurity.

But no matter what the definition is, the truth still remains that love isn't something you can buy or beg. It is real and existing. You can't touch it but you can feel it in your heart.
You can't find it, but it will knock before you when you least expect it to come.
It can make you the happiest soul in heaven, but don't forget that it can also make you the
most miserable person in the whole galaxy...

Its official..I am back to square one...one comment and there I was bawling my eyes out...

fuck myspace and friendster!!! I'm gonna kill the loser who invented it...shit, come to think of it..mas loser ako kse I patronize it...LOSER KA BELLE...

There was a comment in myspace by a friend of THAT GIRL affected me soooo much....that I called him and while talking to him....threw my dear phone and broke it in half..so now I'm not the only one broken but also my phone that..the one that he bought me :(

The message was this:

SO SO SO SO!!! ITS MARCH 7, 2004 HUH?? HAHAHHAHAHAA.....SO YO FEELIN GOOD MAN! HAHAHAHHAHA WELL CONGRATS!!HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA I HPE GNET WNT KICK ME FOR THIS HAHAHAHHA THANX FOR THE COOKIES HAHAHA :p

The girl who posted that there was nothing going on with the other girl and A and that it was just a joke but I told her na sana the next time she thinks about other people naman before she does something like that kse nakakasakit sya...she seemed nice naman but then again she is her friend so hanggang myspace lang kme....

So now I...back to square one ako.....shit...when will this stop!!!!!!!! But its ok....just give me strength Lord. Just give me strength and I will be ok.

"In life, God doesn’t give you the people you want, instead he gives you the people you need. . . to teach you, to hurt you, to love you. . . to make you exactly the way you should be."

Today, I wasn't s'posed to go to work coz I wasn't feeling good when I woke up but when I was about to call the office, I saw my messages from other sups asking me to take care of some things...so I guess, sick or not, I have no other choice...pasok po tayo...i'm sick..tired...badly in need of sleep...emotionally and physically drained but we still have to work...I just hope that something comes out of it though...Im not asking much..I just wanna prove something to someone and of course gusto po natin ma promote....since I sacrificed another offer for this.


"I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining.
I believe in love, even when i do not feel it.
I believe in God, even when He is silent."

I miss him.... :( I haven't been crying lately except last night...I cried sa cab until I fell asleep....please...sana I won't go back to how I was before....I can't endure going through that again...this time baka maloka na tlaga ako ng tuluyan....PLEASE LORD NOT AGAIN....

SMILE by Tamia

Sometimes I sit at home and wonder how it'd be
If he had loved me
Truly loved me yes
I learned a while ago that kind of thing
Never happens for me
And so I go around
And just pretend
Loving life for me
I play the circus clown around my friends
Make them laugh and they won't see
That you never let them see you sweat
Don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord knows it's killing me

So I put on my make-up
Put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me
Everything is okay
I’m laughing cause no one
Knows the joke is on me
Cause I’m dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face
On my face

Sometimes I sit at home
By the phone hoping he might call me
But he don't call me
But then I realize
Dreams come true aren't for girls like me
Not like me
And so I go around with my head up
Like it ain't no thing
And when the boys around with all my friends
I’m into other things
Because you never let them see you sweat
Don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord knows it's killing me

So I put on my make-up
Put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me
Everything is okay
I’m laughing cause no one
Knows the joke is on me
Cause I’m dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face
On my face

It’s not an easy (thing)
Sometimes it’s hard to (face the truth)
It’s not the life that I would choose (that I

would choose)
But what else can I do?
If he don’t love me
If he don’t want me
I’m not about to sit around
Let myself go

So I put on my make-up
Put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me
Everything is okay
I’m laughing cause no one
Knows the joke is on me
Cause I’m dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face
On my face

haaayyy so kelan ba magkakatotoo iotng horoscope ko????

When it comes to love and romance, things are definitely in your favor lately, dear Virgo.
The thing to be aware of today, however, is that there might be some manipulation on the part of someone close to you. Take care that someone else's need for freedom isn't negatively affecting your relationship in any way. Communication is key in order to maintain a healthy romance at any level.

Suicide! (and you know it, so... dont u have
something to do?)


Choose your Dramatic Death (Now w/pics!!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Sandals- peaceful, daydreamy, and thoughtful, you
often find yourself staring into space. When
you aren't out volunteering you are often just
dreaming away. You enjoy the company of
friends sometimes but enjoy peace and quiet.
[please vote! thank you! :)]


What Kind of Shoe Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

My Immortal.

Your Lyrics

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me


What Evanescence song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

How does one know when one should stop holding on and hoping for the one you love to come back????

"It's when you are the only one left in a battle. And you are the only one too eager to stay."

Just saw a pic of Vanessa's baby Van Antoinette...she is absolutely the cutest baby that I have ever seen.. ***gosh*** I WANT ONE!!!!!

I've always been vocal about wanting kids...whether biological or not it doesn't matter...I love kids...I love babies...sana nga my own pero since di pwede sana merong stork bna bigla nalang magdadala ng bata sa akin...sana kamukha ka..cute...hahahahaha feelingera...I tried asking na sa mga adoption houses pero since I'm young and single they won't allow it...kj!

Inaangkin ko na nga yung baby ni Van e...I'll post a pic once I am able to upload it...

5 Ways God Uses Problems

The problems you face will either defeat you or develop you - depending on how you respond to them.
Unfortunately, most people fail to see how God wants to use problems for good in their lives. They react foolishly and resent their problems rather than pausing to consider what benefit they might bring.

Here are five ways God wants to use the problems in your life:

1. God uses problems to DIRECT you.

Sometimes God must light a fire under you to get you moving. Problems often point us in a new direction and motivate us to change. Is God trying to get your attention? "Sometimes it takes a painful situation to make us change our ways." Proverbs 20:30

2. God uses problems to INSPECT you.

People are like tea bags...if you want to know what's inside them, just drop them into hot ever water! Has God tested your faith with a problem What do problems reveal about you? "When you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience." James 1:2-3

3. God uses problems to CORRECT you.

Some lessons we learn only through pain and failure. It's likely that as a child your parents told you not to touch a hot stove. But you probably learned by being burned. Sometimes we only learn the value of something...health, money, a relationship... by losing it. "It was the best thing that could have happened to me, for it taught me to pay attention to your laws." Psalm 119:71-72

4. God uses problems to PROTECT you.

A problem can be a blessing in disguise if it prevents you from being harmed by something more serious. Last year a friend was fired for refusing to do something unethical that his boss had asked him to do. His unemployment was a problem - but it saved him from being convicted and sent to prison a year later when management's actions were eventually discovered. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good... Genesis 50:20

5. God uses problems to PERFECT you.

Problems, when responded to correctly, are character builders. God is far more interested in your character than your comfort. Your relationship to God and your character are the only two things you're going to take with you into eternity. "We can rejoice when we run into problems... they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady." Romans 5:3-4

Here's the point:

God is at work in your life - even when you do not recognize it or understand it. But it's much easier and profitable when you cooperate with Him.

"Success can be measured not only in achievements, but in lessons learned, lives touched and moments shared along the way."

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give
it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to ..LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge .. LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ... LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new lev! el in Him... LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .... LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for you LET IT GO!!! Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!! "The Battle is the Lord's!"

"It's like my life was getting good... I was driving toward the right exit but I got into an accident while changing lanes."
- JL Farley

Lord, I need to get over him...I need to get over missing him...I need to get over wanting and needing him...I need to Lord...now more than ever...I have taken baby steps into recovery already please don't let me go back to the hell hole I was before...I have started to see the light in a very very long and dark tunnel...I do not want to lose sight of that light again...please Lord...I beg you...

"Love isn't like a cold. You can't just get over it."- JL Farley

Today was s'posed to be my restday but they asked me to render ot for coverage since there'll be no sme available. More OT more money for shopping...ulk pambayad utang pala muna..hahahaha...

Saya saya ko kse when I got here katabi ko si Andre my A look a like...Minsan nakaka offend when people say na "ano ka ba may asawa na yun?' Hello tanga ba ko to think na may mangyayari pa sa amin...bajesus! I like him kse he's nice and he's really really likeable and ngayon hinihiritan na ko no..I like him din kse he reminds me of A and that is it. Wala pong pagnanasa on the side. But there this DR rep that I like not like as in really like but more of crush...ay...basta mababa lang not like tlaga...iba kse tlaga ako pag nagka crush e...

Shiyet....I have never been sooo envious of Jean's current love life happenings.......aaarrrrggghhhhh nakakainggit...sana ako din pero please not that matagal...sana bukas na...or next week.....

So Jean, no matter what other say...follow your heart dear...you gotta take risks girl...just be happy...just be happy...

a YM message from a friend that I had kept:

kyutninia: uy belle omigosh!
kyutninia: kakaiyak naman nakalagay sa blog mo...
kyutninia: i never knew....
kyutninia: shucks....
kyutninia: girl dont worry....i prayed for you...
kyutninia: while readin' your messages i whispered a prayer to Kuya Jess....
kyutninia: he said everythin' will be fine and while your sweetik is not beside you...Kuya Jess is takin' his place for the meantime...
kyutninia: kaya hold on ha...wag ka na iyak...
kyutninia: stay pretty and be happy na ha...basta andito lang kami always for you....
kyutninia: this sat, we'll pick you up 'round 6 pm and then we'll go to Dex's place to party ha...
kyutninia: love yah....




I Miss you by Blink 182


Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends

(I miss you I miss you)
(I miss you I miss you)

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)

I miss you (miss you miss you)
I miss you (miss you miss you)
I miss you (miss you miss you)
I miss you (miss you miss you)
(I miss you miss you)

Check this out You'd be able to check what or who you were in your past life. Mine says:

The Oracle says:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You were male in your last Earthly incarnation.
You were born somewhere around the territory of modern Turkey approximately in 825.
Your profession was craftsman, mechanic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your brief psychological profile in that past life:
You always liked to travel, to investigate, you may have been a detective or spy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lesson that your last lifetime has brought to the present:
Your lesson - the development and expansion of your mental consciousness. Find a good teacher, and spend a part of your time and energy contemplating his wisdom.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I decided to stay...I realized that I'm better off here in Manila than in Cebu. My family is here...my support group...my friends...practically everyone...Thanks to my TM Gil for knocking me to my senses. Whew! I almost wasted a foundation that I had built for myself for almost 3 years. Thanks Gil :)

I've to respect the guy. He's definitely better than PENGUIN. He has better client knowledge and the number characteristic that the guy has that penguins doesnt is people skills. One can talk to the guy without feeling na you're talking to a manager or someone higher than you. He also addresses you not as a subordinate or someone he can look down on. Another thing, he greets you. Si penguin, kilala lang ako un kung may ipapagawa. that's it. pero sa labas akala mo di nya ko kilala. kupal. mamatay na sana sya. kaya tuloy ang panget nya e. reflects his kalooban. im sorry sobrang hatest ko lang tlaga sya kse KUPAL sya.

After my shift, I met up with A in 7-11 to talk about the latest chismis that I heard about THAT GIRL. I told him na that I have had enough and that I do not want another chismis or kwento about her or them to ever reach me ever again. I asked him (more of ordered nga e..) to make her shut up or I will. Yes I know it was kinda harsh pero please naman...medyo gumagawa na ata sya ng kwento para lang mapansin sya e...I was soooo angry last night to the point na I was crying na because of anger. PuÑeta minsan lang ako magsasalita at magagalit about it sa kanya and he knows na when I do say something it really is that mabigat na or sobra sobra na. We talked till 430am (so much for going home early) and he did understand naman from where I am coming from and why I reacted that way. That was wednesday early morning. When we met up again wednesday night, he said na he spoke na daw with that girl and of course, she denied it. Well whoever did spread those rumours about them and whoever made sure it reached me, shut up.

FYI lang din to everyone, Adrian and I did not break up because of a third party. We broke up because we had issues that could not be resolved. That is it. We are friends now. Or at least trying to be.

"And sometimes you just didn't want to know the end
because how can the end be happy?
How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened?
But in the end it's only a passing thing
this shadow
Even darkness must pass
A new day will come
and when the sun shines
it will shine out clear"

Should I go or should I stay...

I've been offered a position in Cebu and its an immediate posting as today sinabi bukas na aalis....huwaaatttt!!!!

decisions...decisions...

Alas, there were no tears of joy but there was joy indeed. not the type of joy that will make you jump for joy but ....sige na nga joy na....when I got back to the office after hearing mass in greenbelt, he called me and asked if I heard mass na and if its ok if we could talk sana before his shift. He also apologized. Kaso we weren't able to talk before his shift kse he was late na. But before mag end shift, he YMed me and asked if I could walk with him till 7/11. I met up with him and again, he apologized to me. He knows naman how I am when I'm angry e. Puro sige lang ako pero I never forget. Tapos kwento till I went home na.

When I saw him, there I was falling all over again...puneta! Sakit...Parang bumabalik nanaman ako sa buhay ko when we first broke up.....@#*U$U$&&$!@@......NEVER AGAIN...When I got home, I prayed agad. Prayed for him to give me strength and drank my medicine agad para maka help...

In a way, getting angry at him helped me take my one step into recovery. I'm better no--way better!!! Yes, there are still moments when I feel lonely and sad but at least I don't fall asleep crying anymore and I don't have the itch to call or text him na...I'm on my to recoveryville yahoooooo!!!!!!!!!!

When I got home he texted me and asked if I still wanted to pursue the "arrangment" that I propsed to him about a week ago (before kme nag away). Told him that I already abandoned that plan but he asked that he wants us to pursue it. Told him na I wanna think about it kse I wanna make sure na this time hindi ako masasaktan. Baka kse mako naman ang umasa at baka instead of it helping me recover baka it wouldn't pala especially now na I'm doing so well on my own. What's surprising is that he actually texted me about it several times and he even called me to ask and explain..so there I was hearing the "A" that I used to know...pakeng shiyeeet....I miss that...how I wish....erase! erase! erase!

This songs is what I listen to almost every minute:


Beauty queen of only eighteen

She had some trouble with herself

He was always there to help her

She always belonged to someone else


I drove for miles and miles

And wound up at your door

I've had you so many times but somehow

I want more


I don't mind spending everyday

Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Look for the girl with the broken smile

Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

And she will be loved

She will be loved


Tap on my window knock on my door

I want to make you feel beautiful

I know I tend to get so insecure

It doesn't matter anymore


It's not always rainbows and butterflies

It's compromise that moves us along

My heart is full and my door's always open

You can come anytime you want


I don't mind spending everyday

Out on your corner in the pouring rain, oh

Look for the girl with the broken smile

Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

And she will be loved

She will be loved


And She will be loved

And She will be loved


I know where you hide

Alone in your car

Know all of the things that make you who you are

I know that goodbye means nothing at all

Comes back and begs me to catch her every time


she falls


Tap on my window knock on my door

I want to make you feel beautiful


I don't mind spending every day

Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Look for the girl with the broken smile

Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

And she will be loved

And she will be loved

And she will be loved

And she will be loved

Please don't try so hard to say good bye.

My horoscope says....

Today a deep concern for the feelings of others could have you lending a sympathetic ear to those in need of a little understanding. At this point it is more important to listen than to talk, dear Virgo, even though your innate practicality might want to express itself. Your own affairs should go smoothly, bringing you and those around you a lot of satisfaction. Don't be surprised if at some point you shed a few tears of joy!

OMG!!! Tears of Joy?!?!?!?! I haven't had that for ages!!!

I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him

Last night I've had enough. I feel na there is no respect anymore. He was rude to me on several occasions and last night was the last straw. On his part, he did say sorry and realized what he did wrong but I demanded an actual apology and nothing else. I'm a very patient person when it comes to getting angry with people that I love. I have to admit, to the point of naaabuso na ko. But when I feel that you're trampling on me na especially now that I am down...its unfair and not good for one to put down and walked all over someone when she is already crawling on her knees. So finally I have had enough. But I am not angry at him. I am trying my best not to. I do not want to plant any seed of anger in me

"Accept responsibility for the times when you've hurt others because you lacked inner peace. Make amends to them when you can."

i am angry.

I am my father's daughter. I am slow to anger. very slow. but when I do I never forget. i hold grudges. I burn bridges. You are now dead to me.

Something funny:

Girls...you need these...pick up lines with rebuffs for you!

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life in your wildest dreams.


This whole week (since monday) has been a fairly good week for me..thank you God thank you. although there are still bouts of loneliness and emotional breakdowns I feel that I've somehow just taken my first baby step into recovery. But let's not rejoice...the road to recovery is still long and treacherous ...but i hope and pray otherwise...please

Last wednesday-err, technically thursday since it was around 2am na. Ces and I went to Absinth. Well, kirk's patience paid off (in teaching me how to dance) and I'd like to think na i can move na to the music fairly well. Konti pang practice. That was my first time to dance and my first time to drink beer. yep, you read that right. my first time. Sure, I've drank other kinds of liquor before. Tequila, vodka, gin...all shots lang but never beer and never a whole bottle. why? because I hated the smell of beer. hehehehe...so since i was in a bar and yun na rin iniinom ni ces e di sige yun na din sa akin da ba! Alas, the newbie in my showed in the end. I got tipsy after 1 bottle ***hehehehehe*** Gimme a break, pers taym no! Konti pang practice. And practice I did, Saturday night, met up for dinner with beng and Josh in Eastwood. Beng, as usual, had to go home at 12mn before maging pumpkin yung car nya. Josh and I got out of jack's Loft and went around Eastwood to look for a place where we can drink. Drank 2 bottles of beer before I felt dizzy. I nursed the first one kaya tumagal hehehehe...Josh was giving me pointers pa

QUEEN(KING) OF PAIN

There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't

stop

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the queen of pain
There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall
That's my soul up there
There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
That's my soul up there
There's a blue whale beached by a springtime's ebb
That's my soul up there
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the queen of pain

There's a queen on a throne with his eyes torn out
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread

There's a red fox torn by a huntsman's pack
There's a black-winged gull with a broken back
There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the queen of pain

Queen of pain
I'll always be queen of pain
I'll always be queen of pain


I am so scared to trust and love again. I dont want to get hurt anymore at all. i dont want to give my heart and be vulnerable ever again. i do not want to go through this anymore, please let there be no more heartaches...

Ewww! Isn't that the pervert?"

-Paris Hilton, when asked to pose with R. Kelly after the Grammy's. Unbeknownst to Paris, Mr. Kelly was right behind her.

Jon sent me this.....sakit...

"For you bell..."

Notes from the heart and mind of a genius

Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the person we love we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things and simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words for you will find rewarding happiness not with the man you love but the man who loves you more.

The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being.

TO LET GO OF SOMEONE DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO STOP LOVING, IT ONLY MEANS
THAT YOU ALLOW THAT PERSON TO FIND HIS OWN HAPPINESS WITHOUT EXPECTING
HIM TO COME BACK.

Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness scare away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow.

We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person.

This feeling soon become a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship.

We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves.

You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself.

Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow: If you lose love that doesn't mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make it sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you.

Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime. There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is though everything is a miracle.

Albert Einstein
(1879-1955)

"Sometimes I wish I had never met you because then I could go to bed at night not knowing there was someone like you out there."

the past 2 days have been "good days" for me. hope it lasts...

I realize the other day that I'm getting dependent with my anti-depressant pill. The other day when I wasn't able to drink my medicine, I found myself agitated. So even if I was minutes away nalang from being late sa work, I went to the drug store (which seemed to be an oasis) and bought my needed miracle drug...tsk tsk tsk...I think I should learn na how not to be too dependent on my medicines....baaaddddd.....sick sick sick sick....

Carroll called me kanina all the way from Taiwan. I thought he just wanted to say hi yun pala he wanted to verify a kwento that he heard. Thanks for the concern Karla and Carroll :) I appreciate it...mwah!

For those who doesn't know, Carroll (is a guy) is my immediate ex. ha! labels! when can we do without them!?!?!?! I owe this a guy a lot and its nice to know na we're good friends na now. very good friends indeed. This guy does not fail to amaze me always. He also doesn't forget my pasalubongs too ;) I've told other people that with all of my exes Carroll was the only ex that I wanted to get back with. Not including my recent ex. Those 2 men would always be part of my life that I would never forget and would want to go back to if given a chance. (No Carroll, this is not a hint!I was not implying anything. hahahaha).

But as of now, I am a man hater. I do not see myself ever committing again. No more na. Pagod na ko. I'm not a masochist. I do not want to see myself this messed up again. So I guess my dream of having a child of my own would either be shelved or may be I can turn to adoption nalang..if they let me. Or maybe I'll find a very handsome and matalino na guy to father my kid. hahahahaha!!! The hopeless romantic has become hopeless na.

"Sometimes no relationship is more desirable than the one you can’t have" (Object of my affection)

Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again; skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts

I'm losing my grip again...i'm soooooo tired na...im wish that I can just end it...


“Letting go isn't a one-time thing, it's something you have to do everyday, over and over again.”

.....so many times i've wondered where i've gone
and how i found my way back in
i look around awhile for something lost
maybe i'll find it in the end

And I'm feelin' the same way all over again
Feelin' the same way all over again
Singin' the same lines all over again
No matter how much I pretend

Feelin' the same way all over again
Feelin' the same way all over again
Singin' the same lines all over again
No matter how much I pretend
No matter how much I pretend

The last 2 days have been so difficult for me. Today isn't different. I miss him-a lot. I have recurring thoughts of him being with another girl and that makes me cry. The first time that thought entered my mind I slumped on my bed and cried like a baby. Di ko kaya. isa isa lang please ang bato ng problema.

How I wish there would be some sort of painkillers for this kind of pain. I'd gladly buy a boxfull of them. If pain can just be turned off like a light switch or like a faucet, I would have turned it off a long time ago. I hate feeling any kind of pain. Any. Mahina ang loob ko sa problems and pain. I have a weak heart and do not have the stomach for it. Who wants to feel this kind of pain ba? Who wants to cry every night and fall asleep na umiiyak? I'm not into S&M, y'know. I've tried everything to forget him. I've kept myself occupied. Everyday I let him go. But I just can't. When it seems that there will be days that it will be a good day for me. I feel na I'm taking a step to recovery na. But when my low, lower and lowest days come, I feel na I fall back to my quagmire of pain and loneliness much deeper than before. I'm trying to get out but I can't. It seems that I'm stuck in a quicksand that slowly swallows me up and that no matter what I do I'll sink deeper and deeper. How can one unchain a heart that is holding on...

"It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone, when you're heart still does."


The Art Of Letting Go by: Mikaila

Put away the pictures, put away the memories
I go over and over through my tears
I've held them 'til I'm blind, they kept my hope alive
as if somehow that might keep you here
won't you believe in a love forevermore
how do you leave it in a drawer

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
unchain my heart that's holding on
how do I start to live my life alone
guess I'm just learning, learning the art of letting go

Try to say it's over, say the word good bye
but each time it catches in my throat
you're still here with me and i can't set you free
so I hold on to what i wanted most
maybe someday we'll be friends forevermore
wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes the hardest part of all
unchain my heart that's holding on
how do I start to live my life alone
guess I'm just learning, learning the art of letting go

What can I say, what can I do
but try to make it through the pain
not one more day without you

Where do I start to live my life alone
I guess I'm learning, I'll be learning
learning the art of letting go

It's Valentine's Day again
Chocolates and roses, dinner by candelight
But not for everybody
There'll be three less roses given away tonight
'Coz Jimmy's girl got on a plane
He tried to stop her from leaving but tried in vain
And he'd hand her three roses now
But she lives so far away
To a lonely heart, how does one say
Happy Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day again
Long-time lovers lighting the fire once more
But it's gonna be cold tonight
For someone whose lover walked right out the door
See, Anna's fighting back the tears
Broke up with her beau for nine long years
And she's throwing her dreams of walking down the aisle away
To a broken heart, how does one say
Happy Valentine's Day

Cruel, oh so cruel
Be with your lover and be glad
And if you're without a lover
Well, that's just too bad
Cruel, oh so cruel
No other day like this
Can make you long so much
For the one you miss

It's Valentine's Day again
Jay's got the flowers, but somehow it's not the same
Though he knows April's happy
'Coz all he can do is set them on her grave
It's been two years since she passed on
But somehow the pain still lingers on
And no other day can magnify it like this day
To a grieving heart, how does one say
Happy Valentine's Day

How do you say
Happy Valentine's Day

I forgot na where I got this >

Pulled Apart
the night falls with a silent sigh, cold and alone

are we.
the emotion for which you pine
flares once, then dies,
devoured by the abyss.
all hope must fail.

your heart beats no more.
how could you not understand?
shadows surround us, crying,
we have lost our light.

Read this Inquirer...in time for V day:::: eeewwww :P

Four things I love
and hate about you
Four things I love
and hate about you
By Rosa Villanueva

***This would have been perfect for him. He was all these and more....***

FOUR things I love about you: your smile, your commitment to everything you do, your concern for everything I do and your love.

Four things that make me want to turn this into forever: the way you love your family, the way you love God, the way you love your friends and the way you love me.

Four things that caught my eye when I first met you: the way you carried yourself, the way you stood when
I arrived, your height, and how you listened to everything I said and filed it in your brain.

Four things I promise you: to stay, to avoid quitting just because things are rough, to quit nagging when
I'm pissed or PMSing, and to sit still and be content.


And another one..

Love defined
By Kristine Caguiat


IT BEATS through your heart, burns through your skin and melts your senses. It encompasses all human
emotion and justifies all human reason. It holds no bounds, breaks all barriers, scales all heights and defies all depths. It is a question that answers all inquiry, and an answer that questions all knowledge; a mystery of the mind and a secret of the soul.

Indescribable, immeasurable, indefinable.

It is pure, undefiled and simple.

It is the unknown, the utopian, the dream of all dreamers.

It is the core, the polestar, the center, the beginning.

It runs courses, lacerates sentiment and intensifies passion.

It is romance.

A taste of heaven, a sensation of bliss.

It is faith and conviction.

It's an aura in the atmosphere.

It is multiplied: over and over and over again.

It's louder than the storms, deeper than the floods,

more blinding that the sun and the most electrifying of all forces.

It is elemental.

It is beautiful and stunning.

It's words, words, words.

Ironies and paradoxes, going in circles, never to be answered; riddles of feeling.

A touch, a kiss, a priceless show of affection.

It is delight and happiness.

It's ecstasy.

It can combat forces, destroy destruction, and end war.

It is life and death all over again.

It is love.

One day you will love me, the way I loved you
One day you will think of me, the way I thought of you.
One day you will cry for me, the way I cried for you.
One day you will want me, but i will not want you.

Today is a good day...so far.

Although it took a long time before I could get a cab, I got cabbie that was nice and cheerful. For a change, thank God. he blabbed all through out the trip. He was so cheerful that I even surprised myself when I answered his questions and responded to his comments. Ha! That's something new from Ms. Masungit. Something he said struck me. I forgot na the actual line but it says something about a cheerful heart will do you good or something like that. Buti pa si manong always cheerful. Come to think of it...oo nga bakit si manong driver lang ang cheerful??? I resolve to try to delve into the deep recesses of my soul to try and look for my old perky, cheerful self..I will find her one of these days because tomorrow is another day and you never know what the tide may bring!!!


"I know the world has its problems, but would it hurt you to smile once in a while (She's all that)

trying day...it's one of those days when I do nothing but cry cry cry cry cry......

why do men get over women faster? whhhhhyyyyyy!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

I just reading The Present By Spencer Johnson given by Carroll. Yes,my ex.Lalaki po sya.

"...Don't be too hard on yourself. Remember that you did the best you knew how at the time. When you know better now, you can do better now."

"Look at what happened in The Past. Learn something valuable from it. Use what you learn to improve The Present."

Lemme share w you some of the messages that I got from friends....

From Tin:

When God leads you to the edge of a cliff, trust Him fully and let go because only 1 of 2 things will happen: either He will catch you when you fall or He will teach you to fly.

From Eric:

*Hey We're friends. Who else would look out for you? I know it can be tough but I know you can do it.

* Belle, you're a lot stronger tha you think. I can see that in you. You just need someone to help you discover your strength.

*Take it easy Belle. One step at a time. Don't think too much. You'll get through this. Believe me I know you can. We'll do this together.

From Vianca:
*...keep yourself busy and surround yourself with good old lovin from our girls and I'll catch up. I love you Belle, through happiness and pain, we definitely have each other.

*Your pain will last as long as you wish but it will go away in time, I promise. The girls and I will be here to love you till you're whole again. We know that for a fact bec. we've seen it among us a lot of times. We are suckers for love and God gave us each other for support. We love you, hold on to that thought when your pain seems unbearable and we'll share your load.

*Hi. Just heard mass. Told papa Jesus to help heal our broken hearts and spirits. I think I heard him say na sya na daw bahala syo.

*You will live through this belle, i promise you that. You will always have one of our hands or arms to hold on to in your dark room. You are never alone. And when it comes to a point when its too painful to breathe, I'll breathe for you. You'll live to laugh about this and be proud of your strength.

*We find ourselves reasons to live and for another reason we lose them. One great reason I lost Vic is that I found you my girls. You are the reason I'm still alive and loving again. So one day you will find your north star again until then you have no choice but to live for me, meian, kaje, emer, beng and all of us who loves you. Come here nalang belle while I'm on leave. we'll cry have coffee and long talks together.

*....just ride the tide. You'll have your low, lower and lowest moments but all i can assure you is matatapos din yan. Yourheartache will last as long as you want.

*it's alright to cry sweetie. kaya mo yan. I got your back.

o--------------------o

This trying time, I have found new friends and have bolstered friendship with old ones. That I thank God for and will eternally be grateful for those who picked me up from the floor (literally!) and to those who either gave a pat or a consoling word. Little things mean a lot to me and I remember them. Thank you sooo much :)

My doctor says that I am insane and I have a couple of months to live...

I was just s'posed to see my mom's old doctor (lahat ng family doctor namin matatanda na. lahat doctor ng doctor ng older relatives ko. my mom doesn't trust young doctors, y'see) sa skin but as she (the skin doctor or derma) was talking to me. asking me why ang dame kong rashe and sugat all over the body, she asked if I'm stressed sa work. So i told her evertyhing na and she spoke to me along with her psychologist daughter who happened to be there. And she told me that with the way I'm "living" now and treating my body, I may be dead in a couple of months or a year daw. Aside from my gastro, the mother and daughter team was sooo nice and understanding. Unlike other doctors!!! They gave me ointment for my skin and meds for my "depression". Hahahahaha....at ang mamahal ng gamot ko. sa I spent a total of 1, 600 sa ointment and meds that they gave me tapos I haven't bought all of my anti-depressant med kse naman pagkamahal mahal 100.25 pesos isa! dyosme! lalo akong maddepress nyan e.

My mamahalin ng gamot is Zoloft. And sabe sa website nila:

Everyone can go through times of feeling down or grieving for a while after having suffered a loss.

But for people with the medical condition called depression, feeling very sad or having no interest in activities can go on for a long time. Sometimes, this happens for no apparent reason to people whose lives are going well:

A life-long tennis player finds she doesn't want to play anymore, and feels restless and unable to concentrate much of the time

A busy young man feels "blue" for weeks, can't sleep, and loses weight even though he is not ill or dieting

And sometimes, depression can be brought on by a major life event:

Months after losing her job, a woman still feels "blah" and has no interest in looking for a new job

A year after her mother's death, a woman still feels sad, and thinks about suicide sometimes

Depression is not a sign of weakness or a character flaw. It is a medical condition.

Signs and Symptoms of Depression:
The term depression refers to:
a persistent sad mood and/or
loss of interest or pleasure in most activities
And is accompanied by some of the following symptoms:
Changes in appetite or weight
Changes in sleep patterns
Restlessness or decreased activity that is noticeable to others
Loss of energy or feeling tired all the time
Difficulty in concentrating or making decisions
Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide

I finally told him na I'm letting him go na. We weren't able to talk about it after I told him kse he had to go na. When I placed the phone down, I felt a heavy burden was lifted from my shoulder but at the same time I wanted to cry. parang isa dam na sasabog na. So, I drank na my "drugs" para makatulog agad. mahirap na. ayoko ng makatulog ng umiiyak ulet.

I managed to get 7 hours of sleep...woooohhhhooooooooo!!! ganun pala ang tulog...sana forever na ito.

finally got The Present from powerbooks. Sana maganda nga and makatulong....hahahaha yes it is a self help book. shucks...nakakahiya...i'm so fucking messed up.

BATTERED HEART

My heart, please stop beating
For once, please stop feeling
You've been hurt so many times before
But still you keep on askin for more
What is it you want? What is it you're looking for?
What is it you want to feel? My heart would always implore
All the time you know that they love another and not you
Why is it you try to keep on pushing until you're all black and blue
Beaten by love that were not meant to be
Why is it that this is so hard for you to see
Do you find pleasure by so doing?
Seeing defeat right through the center of your being?
Can you stop for once and start feeling less

Please, my heart, stop and give your self a rest


Just got back from my nightly ritual of going to the park. it's near the office lang but i heard that it's not that safe. well, bahala na si Lord. i go there every night. to talk to God. to myself. to cry (which is most of the time) and to just be quiet. I've been doing a lot of that lately. But tonight, I prayed to God to give me strength. I'm letting him go. This is on of the most difficult decisions that I have made. To finally face up to the truth and let go of him is like asking me to stop breathing. Yes, that is the sad and harsh comparison. I prayed to God to give me strength and courage to make it through. I surrendered ti him all of my tears, pains, worries, jealousies, heartaches and my love for him. Bahala na si Lord sa akin. One habit that I've formed is that whenever I feel jealous, hurt or scared I say the hail mary over and over and over again until such time the hurt or the pain ceases and it works. So as I write this painful entry, in my mind I am saying the hail mary because the pain is almost unbearable. Lord, ikaw na bahala sa akin.

I am sick. My health is failing. My mom terms it as "parang kandilang nauupos". I can't eat. I try to pero konti lang tlaga. Isang platito na nga lang kinakain ko di ko pa maubos and whatever I food that I am able to eat, my body expels it din naman. So somekinda bulimic na ito. I can't sleep. Eve if my body is so tired na di pa din ako makatulog. Sleeping pills doesn't work na for me. Maximum would be 4-5 hours na of sleep pero most of the time I only get 3 hours of sleep lang. No matter how hard I try to go back sleeping, ayaw pa din. I am always lethargic. wala akong gana sa kahit ano. even talking to people takes a lot of energy for me. nakaka drain agad. i have no more energy. my moods are like a cycle. one minute masaya and another i am crying. my friends say na i should see a doctor..to what? for them to tell me na my health is failing. i know that na. what else is new. i don't know what to do anymore. my body is still mourning with my heart. nakikiramay ang katawan ko sa puso ko. rest in peace, heart. rest in peace.

back from the dead and i am not happy about it

not all of you know why my last entry was like THAT. Let's just say that it was s'posed to be my last entry.

to everyone who knows, thank you for all your prayers and for the time you lent me to just listen to all my blabbings and endless ramblings. You do not know how much you have helped me go through each moment of this very difficult time. You just saved a damned soul.

I am now trying to pick up the pieces. The pieces that are shattered into a million and one pieces. I do not even know where to start. But here I am trying to pick each minute piece with blood on my fingers and tears in my eyes....

We're friends now...i guess that would suffice for now. We've talked about it several times. Ako yung makulit. It told him not to damn me for being makulit because I'm fighting for us...er..what used to be us, i guess and that If situations were reversed he would have done the same thing. And situations are noew reversed indeed. I feel na ako na yung nanliligaw sa kanya. It's something that I had never done before. But I'm doing it because this is my life that I'm fighting for. I just hope he realizes this-soon. Don't judged me for doing it. Someday, when you find that person you love with all heart and soul and who loved you almost to the point of putting you on a pedestal, you'll know and understand what I'm going through. The world is an awfully big place, y'know. That if you lose sight of the one you love, you might never see them again. So hanging on is what I'm doing.



"The road to nowhere leads to me."

I've been going back to my roots lately. Re-discovering my old habits. So far so good. There are times that I just feel so exhilarated er-at least para may kakampi ako after praying. So that's what I do. If i'm in one of my down moments I pray para I'll forget the hurt. Yes you read it right. I;ve been praying. I was agnostic for the last couple of years but here I am asking for his help when I am in need and there he was accepting me with no qualms...no questions...no judgement..nothing...so baby steps to going back....and this time, as i promised, for good na. Had my first confession in years kanina...shucks...kakahiya i didnt even know how to! but still the priest granted my absolution and gave me penance. I cried during that confession. I cried when I was doing my penance. I cried again when I was in the park doing my daily night visits. I cried when I read my goodbye letter to him. Here is a part of that letter::::

"Know that I loved you like no other. I gave you everything that I had to offer and more. I guess that it wasn't enough for you. I hope that you find that one person that will make you happy forever. I love you and know that I love you still no matter where I am and that i will be watching over you and keeping you from harm. When you suddenly feel a slight wind grazing your face. Know that it was my hand touching your lovely face. If you feel suddenly warm and protected know that its my arms that is wrapped around you...protecting you, keeping you safe and keeping you warm. If you see a shooting star in the heavens, know that it's me giving you the opportunity to talk to me. Giving you the chance to tell me what you want and wish for so that I can ask God if he can give whatever you want and wish for.

Hon, remember the letter that a woman wrote about her husband that was an Engineer? Please remember me by that story.

"When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness. Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form...flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands...
and that's our life..."

I love you my sweetik, my honey. You are the love of my life. YOU are my life.

PS: I left you some things. my last pay and money that I'll get from my clearance, I authorize you to get. You need it, I know.

Tutto a te me guida (everything leads me to you).

Be happy, hon and don't work too much..... (taken out)

I love you. I love you. I wish that I can touch you one more time but I can't...or else I wouldn't be able to get the courage anymore to leave.

Belle

...an ye harm none, do what ye will....

At night,
stars and planets are shining overhead.
Above me, suns nova and collapse,
punching holes in the galaxy, pulling their light after them and pulling me into the next world.

(you might wanna read this again. today's blog is updated throughout the day)

Never say goodbye when you still want to try...never give up when you still feel you can take it...never say you don't love that person anymore when you can't let go.

its my last day here in the office. supposedly. but my sup is asking me to render ot bukas and also, he doesn't want me to go and file for leave and he doesn't want to receive my resignation letter. no one wants to actually. i told na my mom that i'll be resigning and she asked why. i dare not tell her why. she likes him. a lot. the first time ata na she likes a boyfriend of mine. even my dad likes him! my dad. imagine that?!?!?! my dear protective father actually likes the guy i'm with. my mom asks if i've made up my mind na and i answered, not yet. she says that if i have then it's time for me to go home na. home is in the states. well i dunno. honestly, i have other plans of my own. no, not another job. i'm gonna enjoy bumhood muna. we'll see what the fates has in store for us before i make any final decisions. but for now i'm saying goodbye to everyone. I might not have the chance to anymore. Everyone, I know it's kinda cheesy cheesy but goodbye to everyone for now. May you all have a good life. May God bless you with a long and blissful life and to continue loving till your very last breath. Blessed be!


By: Gabriel Garcia Marquez

If for an instant God were to forget that I’s a rag doll and gifted me a piece of life, I probably wouldn’t say all that I think, but rather I would think of all that I say.

I would value things, not for their worth but for what they mean.

I would sleep little, dream more, Understanding that for each minute we close our eyes, we lose sixty seconds of light.

I would walk when others hold back, I would wake when others sleep I would listen when others talk, and how would I enjoy a chocolate ice cream!

If God were to give me a piece of life, I would dress simply.
Throw myself face first into the sun, baring not only body but also my soul.

My God if I had a heart, I would write my hate on ice, and wait for the sun to show.

Over the stars of a Van Gogh dream I would paint a Bendetti poem,

And a serrat song would be the serenade I’d offer to the moon.

With tears, I would water roses, to feel the pain of their thorns, and the red kiss of their petals.

My God, if I had a piece of life,

I wouldn’t let a single day pass without telling the people I love that I love them.

I would convince each woman and man that they are my favorites, and I would live in Love with Love

I would show men how very wrong they are to think that they cease to be in love when they grow old, not knowing that they grow old when they cease to be in love!

To a child, I shall give him wings, but I shall let him learn to fly on his own.

I would teach the old that death does not come with old age, but with forgetting.

So much have I learned from you…

I have learned that everyone wants to live on the peak of the mountain, without knowing that real happiness is how it is scaled.

I have learned that when newborn child squeezes his father’s finger for the first time with his tiny fist, he has him trapped forever.

I have learned that a man has the right to look down on another only when he has to help the other to get on his feet.

From you I have learned so many things,

But in truth they won’t be of much use,

For if I keep them within this suitcase, unhappily I shall die.

"Young lovers seek perfection.
Old lovers learn the art of sewing shreds together
and see the beauty in the multiplicity os patches"

Going through some of my old stuff I found one poem that I composed a long time ago...now i guess it doesn't apply to me anymore. God was that cruel. And from the looks of it God is in his god- be-cruel spree. Shit. I Shouldn't say those things. Sya nalang ang pag asa ko. For some reason, after we spoke early this morning, i fell asleep, as usual, crying but on top of that I was crying to God. I was actually praying. The last time I prayed was when I though something bad was gonna happen to Aids. I prayed to him to let him give me a chance. When I woke up I prayed again. Im prayed hard-very hard. I know that in a way it was my fault and I was gonna try my darnest to make it up to him. That was around 5am. I woke up 730am. kumpleto nanaman ako sa tulog. My mom wanted me to attend a wedding of my cousin. HELLLOOOOOWWWWWW ano ako bale? ano ako masokista? Medyo lang siguro.
Went to the office early. The house was so depressing for me. I saw his pictures everywhere and I needed to see other people to keep myself from thinking. Mahirap na at baka mabaliw ako.

Talked to Jon. Well....i dunno sana di pa 70 or 60% na papunta na dun. Sana please no. But I'm preparing myself na din for whatever happens. Preparing for the worst. This time Jon I hope you're wrong. It's hoping against hope, I know but when you love someone you gotta hang on.

This morning when we talked, against my better judgement, I bared my soul to him. I bared my soul and lost it. I gambled and I lost. Bigtime. I wore my shattered heart on my sleeve. Like a kid who knows no better. You may say that what I did was wrong. I know. It was stupid of me. Wala na kong tinira sa sarili ko. Stupid stupid. But I felt that I just had to do it. This was the first time (and I'm guessing the last) that I would do that. I never tried to hang on to a relationship before. I never wanted to because of pride. And now that I did it, sana pala di nalang kse wala din pala. But at least I did. At least I'll never wonder to myself what would've happened if I did try to. At least I know the answer. It wasn't something that I wanted but I had my answer..for now.



You stop
and you hold your breath
and you think
you think so hard
hard, I tell you
to the point of wracking your brains out
of draining it to its
very last embers
then again you stop
you straighten your back
and you hold your head up
so high you're almost praying
and deep inside you are
then for one long minute
you take a very deep breath
as if it was your last
then you exhale
and now you know
and you know it
with all your heart
that finally
God had looked down
from his lofty chair
that God
fianlly had
mercy upon you
that you had finally found
someone to love
and who you know love
till his last breath

and you stop and you smile.

I just finished updating my resignation letter.....is it time to move on?

It was said that if you get at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. I tied the knot and tried to hold on but the rope gave up on me and broke.

Last night, after work, I bought a pack of cig. smoked a few in front of Philam while trying to text my friends asking where they were and could they meet up with me. I hopelessly needed a friend last night and today and tomorrow and the next and the next...but alas..i was destined, as always, to be alone. Walked home last night-well halfway actually. From Philam I walked till Makati Ave till I got scared of the people around me and took a cab nalang. The walk did me good-helped me think. I slept around 5am na ata. Sa sobrang pagod sa kakaiyak nakatulog nalang ako. Woke up around 10am. Still no text or call from him. Tried to be brave and called. Got hold of him finally. After days of trying I finally found him. talked on the cell for almost 2 hours (patay nanaman ako sa phone bill ko!)....I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I don't want to even try because I know that if I do I'll just cry.

If you have the courage to love, you have the courage to suffer

To see and feel your face today..right this very minute would be happiness
To feel the warmth of your arms around me as if shielding me from the loneliness that envelopes me and protecting from all the pain and heartaches
To hear you whisper in my ear that things will be all right would be heaven...

The Scorpion Moment...

There was this Hindu who saw a scorpion floundering around in the water. He decided to save it by stretching out his finger, but the scorpion stung him. The man still tried to get the scorpion out of the water, but the scorpion stung him again. A man nearby told him to stop saving the scorpion that kept stinging him. But the Hindu said: "It is the nature of the scorpion to sting. It is my nature to love. Why should I give up my nature to love just because it is the nature of the scorpion to sting?"

Don't give up loving.

Don't give up your goodness.

Even if people around you sting.


***How many stings can one endure till you say enough?***

quite a boring day at work (di pa ba obvious sa dame ng quizzes)...dame e-mails but I kinda tamad to work since its the start of the shift palang and I'm a bit sleep din coz I barely was able to sleep last night or this morning when I got home. Stayed awake till 6am. Managed to sleep 630am. Woke up around 8am to my mom's blaring sunday morning sounds. Would you believe that I actually shouted at stomped like a brat. Putcha ikaw ba naman magising sa "....who owns that doggie in the window..arf arf.." I transferred to my parent's room para mas malamig and quite and managed to sleep till 1130. Tama na daw yun sabe ni God. Nakapagpahinga na daw ako. Mom and stupid dog went to the province coz it was my lolo's birthday. So alone I was for the first time in months sa house when Eric texted asking where I was. He made tambay sa house until it was time for us to pick up Oman from SGV and drop me off sa work na din. As usual, they made all the drama about me not spending time anymore with them etc etc etc...We were s'posed to go to Nick's house for his despedida kasi.

Last night, spent my lunch with Oman and Fred eating Siomai. For an hour I forgot all my worries and aches.

D-uh?!?!?!?!?!


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I'm grasping at straws but no one would want to put out a hand for me.... it's a lonely...lonely life for me and I'm destined to see it through the bitter end alone...


“Let us not forget, how our hearts felt when they were broken; so that we will be kind when it’s our turn to inevitably break some hearts ourselves.”

This was sent to me...

My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.

Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.

I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband, is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love. One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.

"Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered. He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times.

My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him? And finally he asked me:" What can I do to change your mind?"

Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.

Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered : "Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?"

He said :" I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.

I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....

My dear,

"I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further.."

This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.

"When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to saved my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.

You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.

You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way.

You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.

You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.

You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails,and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand... and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face...

Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die.. "

My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting... and as I continue on reading...

"Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your
favorite bread and fresh milk...

I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....

Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...

That's life, and love.

When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness. Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form...flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands...
and that's our life...

Love, not words win arguments...

ONCE IN A LIFETIME

Once in my life I have the chance to find
once in my life I have the chance to find

Once in a lifetime
I have the chance to find the key to my dreams
and I know, that it's so good for me

Once in a lifetime
I have the chance to find the key to my dreams
and I know, that it's so good for me

In the beginning trouble times in my life
I needed a shoulder to cry on had no direction until i met you
everything is gonna be all right looking out beyond the stars
searching always wishing often i thought that love would escape me
you got the key babe

Once in a lifetime
I have the chance
to find the key to my dreams
and I know, that it's so good for me

Once in a lifetime
I have the chance
to find the key to my dreams
and I know, that it's so good for me

I was lost couldn't find my way
you took my hand and chased my blues away
your inspiration is guiding me through
I'm feeling brand new
memories of days gone by
hurting always hurting
you've taken my pain away finally
you set me free babe

Once in a lifetime
i have the chance
to find the key to my dreams
and I know, that it's so good for me

Once in a lifetime
I have the chance
to find the key to my dreams
and I know, that it's so good for me

"The saddest thing in life, is caring so much for someone and then one day you look into their eyes
and listen to them talk and realize that they are gone. All you see in front of you is a stranger with just a known name."

another lonely day...to borrow a cheesy status from one of my Ym friends "when will the hurting stop". Cheesy but true. Corny but true.

It's not trying to live everyday as if it was your last but it feels more of trying to live everyday hoping it's the last. Falling asleep crying every night (especially the last couple of days) doesn't help. Everyday my body feels drained and tired to the point that I pray that sana it's my last day na. When will the hurting stop.

In Friendster, someone sent me a message and added me as a friend. WHO? The profile: Perfect couples. Sige I-add para dumami ang friendsters natin. Nakakatawa lang considering the current situation. Eto yung message:

From: Perfect Couples
Date: January 13, 2004 3:22 AM
Subject: hi there!

Message: i've chosen you to become part of the club! add
me up perfect_couple@most-wanted.com

thanks! :)


Meian, much to my better judgement I'm posting a pic of liha. di kita yung yucky face nya pero she's still there



[
Me and my favorite brother kupsie!



Trying to be bad::::::


Finally together (L-R) Tito Mandy, My dad (the eldest), Tito Rey, Tito Allan and Tito Noli

My cousin Karen and sister. posing posing

what I need right now are your prayers. do not ask why but i need them. Agnostic, unbelieving me needs all the prayers right now.

"Lord, help me walk another mile, just one more mile. I'm tired of walkin' all alone. Lord, help me smile another smile, just one more smile. I know I just can't make it on my own. I never thought I needed help before. I thought that I could do things by myself. Now I know I just can't take it any more. With a humble heart, on bended knee. I'm beggin' you, please, for help." Johnny Cash

i've been thinking a lot about resigning lately...it's this goddamn company! Well, maybe I should I have a lot of options naman e and frankly speaking money is not a problem. i can stay home and take care of the business that my parents left and at the same time take care of the house na din. Another would be to go back to school. If i go back to school naman may options ulet. It's either I take a(n) MA in Education or to continue law (this will make my dear father the happiest man or earth). Not so many people know that I took up 2 courses in College. First is Political Science and second is Seconday Education Major in English. I'm also thinking of learning another language. I already can understanf Spanish although I cannot speak it. Thanks to my lola maybe I should, this time, learn how to speak Spanish or maybe Chines since this is a language needed in the business world. duh-see-syons duh-see-syons

whew! back to reality after 4 days of rest day...if you can call it resting. natapos na din yung wedding ni stupid dog. whew! good thing my mom was there to fix everything all in 3 weeks! it was a nice and organized wedding save for some glitches. 2 didn't people who were part of the entourage didn't bother to show up or at least send word that they wouldn't be able to attend. some guests of liha wore jeans! sabe nga sa invitation FORMAL e.

i walked down the aisle twice! was that a sign? a good one or a bad one? am I destined to be a bridesmaid forever and never to be the bride or was it a precursor of things to come...


AM: Belinda
I WANT: to be happy and content
I HAVE: almost everything i'd dreamed off ((:
I WISH: peace In my heart and and for everyone else
I HATE: myself
I MISS: Adrian
I FEAR: loneliness
I HEAR: music of Anton
I SEARCH: to find my inner self
I WONDER: what i did to deserve this
I REGRET: falling in love with you.
I LOVE: everyone.
I ACHE: in my heart.
I ALWAYS: dream
I AM NOT: who you think iam.
I DANCE: whenever i feel like.
I SING: anytime i want.
I CRY: when i am hurt.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: a bitch.
I WRITE: in my journal.
I LOSE: myself in you.
I CONFUSE: myself
I NEED: you :(
I SHOULD: try to forget you

I've never sought success in order to get fame and money; it's the talent and the passion that count in success.
- Ingrid Bergman

ssshhhhh.....

topics of yms and call on the cell have turned into somekindasorta wedding ideas talk....yes you guys read it right....HALA!




1.
braveheart0731: hon...kahit matagal pa yung wedding natin, m really looking forward to it
braveheart0731:
hundun1124: baket?
braveheart0731: kase we can settle down na
braveheart0731: and have our own family
braveheart0731: and grow old together
braveheart0731: w/ my baby dona
hundun1124: ok na sana kaso may ksama pang hirit e


2.
braveheart0731: so do you want to be a june bride?
hundun1124: sabe ko unahan nalang tayo
hundun1124: huh?
braveheart0731: what month do you want to get married?
hundun1124: january sana kaso stupid dog got it e
hundun1124: gusto ko yung malamig na maaraw ang weather e
braveheart0731: e di feb
hundun1124: e ikaw?
hundun1124: when mo gusto
braveheart0731: kahit ano...m not particular w/ dates naman e
hundun1124: ayoko ng feb
braveheart0731: kelan gusto mo?
hundun1124: di ko alam e

plans plans plans. question is are we ready??? Can we stay together? Do we even have enough money to pay for everything? Shiyeeeettttttt.......madugo ito.....mamalimos muna kaya ako or tumayo sa kanto? I'm accepting monetary donations! hahahaha buhay tlaga...lahat nalang mahirap kse kulang sa money.


here's one pic that I took in Cebu (galing sa phone and not from the not so reliable and so yesterday camera)



Sa Krua Thai to. halos ata lahat ng resto sa cebu mahilig mag shape shape ng kanin nila..HEART!



My lolo. He's so thin na. Kawawa naman. He wasn't THAT thin before. Mapayat sya yes but he was malakas and he smokes a lot pa before. E now parang sickly sickly na sya.

Lord, sana matagal pa


FOR SALE


For anyone who is interested, I'm selling my brother. This is not Stupuid Dog. This is my other brother. I call him kupsie but he's the brother that I love yun nga lang kups.

Eto ay pepe ng manok..ang poor manok that we ate nung new year sa office...

yay! may kasama na ko sa afternoon shift..back from their holiday break..time for me to be tamad.

I asked my mom to make kwento what happened last night at their dinner with "liha's" family. I was right the girl has absolutely no breeding. Of course, san naman nya kse makukuha yun e, as it turns out, even her parents are zero in that category.

It was s'posed to be a dinner thingie but the when my parents, who travelled for an hour and a half, got there, all they laid out was pizza and pancit. Are they on diet? They should have said na merienda lang pala para may family could've eaten muna.

The father of "liha" said "bubunot pa ba kme sa kasal?" Which means that, do they need to pay anything. Du-uh!?!?!?! Didja have to ask that? We paid for everything. If thay guy had the delicadeza, he could have offered long before pa. Tapos na po ang bayaran. Pupunta nalang kayo at kakain.

They commented several times that they were mayaman just because they lived in a village. I even have not heard of that godforsaken village and from what I heard the place was like the projects. A government made village made for goverment employees. So lahat na pala ng asa gobyerno mayayaman. They couldn't even pay their damned electricity bill tapos mayaman na sila? Huwaw!

The mom of "liha" asked several times why my sister looked different. For those who know the story, they would know why I am sensitive about this topic. The mom kept on asking and insisted why she looked different from us even if my mom answered na her questions and the topic had changed na. She was trying to point out, in front of my sister, that she was adopted. How rude can one get. What was she trying to pull.

That was the last straw. I called stupid dog and told him that I will talk to him tonight and he has to wait for me. He asked if pwede bukas nalang daw and I told him in no uncertain terms no. Now, I felt bad for not going to that "dinner". I would have given that chimpanzee a piece of my mind or maybe my hand.