...my dearest lolo tatay...he celebrated his 94th birthday last monday...one of the 2 men in my life that I'd drop everything in an instant for...give a limb for...even die for....


Kirkie ;P happy boit-day! for simply being there...

Miranda: He was funny. And cute.
Carrie: Yeah, and in town for a week! What's the point?
Samantha: That IS the point! It's the best possible scenario, because you know he's leaving.
Carrie: But it's like whatever happens, there's an expiration date. It's expiration dating.

Here is Gone
(GooGoo Dolls)

You and I got something
But it's all then it's nothing to me
I got my defenses
When it comes to your intentions to me
And we wake up in the breakdown
In the things we never thought we could be
I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We've got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me I can fear you falling
And I won't tempt to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

I am no solution
To this sound of dispollution in me yah
And I was not the answer so forget you if ever thought it was me
I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We've got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me I can fear you falling
And I won't tempt to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

And I don't need a fall out
Of all the past that's here between us
And I'm not holding on
And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here

And I want to get free
Talk to me I can fear you falling
And I won't tempt to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone
And I want to get free
Talk to me I can fear you falling
I know it's out there I know it's out there I can fear you falling
I know it's out there I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone
I know it's out there I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone

"You're a cynical, exploitive, mean-hearted creep who wouldn't know real love if it bit him in the armpit." (Maggie Carpenter, RunAway Bride)

What's a meantime girl?

She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's christmas party, or to go dancing with on a saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "the one". You know, the one you keep around in the meantime. She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. Shes too laid back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable -- she does not make you feel nervous or excited, the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you dont have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not trying to get the intimacy that you need. And you know you dont have to explain yourself or the situation, and that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won't bother her that you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She's just so cool... why can't all women be like that?! But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs - she could play the hard - to - get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Maybe she's too short, or a little too over weight, or has big birthmark on her forhead, or works at taco bell. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman. You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux. She does not captivate you with her beauty, or open door with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She does not want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too, we all do. She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because, because she's had a front row seat to The Mess That is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing,
absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Anyway, yeah. I'm a meantime girl. Been one more times that one care to admit. I don't know the reason, really, and at this point I don't even care. I just want to let every guy know who's ever had the good fortune to have a meantime girl, that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry too... And someday we won't be around...

I asked you before if I was and you responded: "of course not. baka its the other way around." So now...what was I to you then?

Manang Rose, the sunflower eating fortune teller, foretold my future via the usual Tarot cards, Palmistry and the Crystal ball all for 100 pesos! She can be found just outside the Quiapo church around 3am.

*ym conversation couple of months back(September)...this ended my insanity stage*

marc: o ikaw, balita.
hundun: eto still the same
hundun: pathetic pa din
marc: bakit naman, ayusin na nga natin 'to? o, what's the problem?
hundun: parang kang daddy
hundun: yes itay
hundun: e kse
hundun: im naiinis na
hundun: why im still affected
marc: at bakit naman....
hundun: i dunno
hundun: basta i still am
hundun: im naiinis na
marc: kailangan mo kasi,at ito ang sabi ni oprah,kailangan mo ng closure"
hundun: i dont wanna be affected pero i am
marc: is it pride?
hundun: oo nga pero where will i get my closure?
hundun: pride??
marc: na-hurt yung pride mo na ginawa yan sa iyo.
marc: so?
hundun: maybe it is
hundun: wouldnt you be?
hundun: what he did was so masakit e
marc: i think that if you want to move on, you've gotta face the real reasons why you can't seem to move on pa rin.
hundun: its bec i still love him
marc: i know, i would be hurt too.
marc: but yun nga, you have to examine it yourself and question yourself why is your pride hurt, and should it really be a question of pride at all?
marc: isa pa yon, don't love him na dude, you're wasting your time, energy, emotions on a loser!
hundun: i've been telling myself that but its not that easy naman to forget e
marc: o sige lets think about it, do you want him back? do you want him to choose you over her?
hundun: i want him back yes
hundun: but its not gonna be that easy
marc: what?
marc: why do you want him back?
hundun : bec i still love him
hundun : and i think its also bec...
hundun : i mean
marc: why do you still love someone who did that to you?
hundun : yung feeling na in the end he went back to me
hundun: i dunno nga e..i know i should be mad and all and i focused on that after i finally was able to open that emotion
marc: are you still looking for the fairytale ending? na he'll realise his big mistake, come to his senses, drop her and beg you back on his hands and knees?
hundun: i guess so
hundun: ***bonks head***
marc: anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering - yoda.
marc: dude, you have to realistic.
marc: i'm sorry to say and it may be hard for you to hear, but i don't think that fairytale ending is going to happen.
marc: that's what you have to let go dude, not him, but that idea of that fairytale ending.
marc: that's the idea you have to let go of, cuz it's still giving you hope that what you once had might come back, that things might return to the way they were.
marc: i don;t think it's realistic to expect that.
marc: and if you really believe it, then how long are you willing to wait?
marc: how long are you willing to gamble that he's going to go back to you?
marc: and another thing, you may think you know him, but he's a different person now. he's not the same person a year ago, two years ago. things change, people change. you have to change too.
marc: you can't get stuck thinking that you know yourself completely, no ones themselves completely. impossible.
marc: no one knows themsleves completely.
marc: up until the day they die, people ae still discovering things about themselves they never knew. and that's why things change.
marc: but that's growth. it's just the process of changing that's difficult. but it has to happen. marc: right now, you're suffering but you're not growing. mali yon. ok lang na mag suffer, that's part of life, but dapat may growth din.
marc: kung walang growth, if you're not moving forward or moving somewhere, your suffering is for nothing.
marc: yan ang sayang, yan ang waste.
marc: astig ko noh? i'm like a hallmark card on steriods!
marc: o what?
hundun: i wanna move nman e. yes i still love him in a way but im opening my doors to other possibilities. other people. kse i dont wanna get stuck being like this forever. at night i pray na for every tear na i cry it washes all my bitterness. i pray na every passing day i love him less and less
hundun: i still have that stupid fairytale stuff in my head
hundun: but i also think about things na why its better this way
marc: then ask yourself why do you still have that in your head? why are you still holding onto that even though you know what you know.
hundun: like: we have diff tastes...he has a different wave length..etc etc...
hundun: i dunno why.....
marc: brb
hundun: me din
hundun: ill buy food lang
hundun: im back
marc: im back
marc: basta ask yourself those questions
marc: you have to know for yourself why
marc: you don't have to tell anyone naman eh. just be honest with yourself.
marc: once you know why you are still holding onto those beliefs, you'll begin to understand yourself better. that helps in becoming stronger and growing out of this phas in your life.
marc: you as you are now, have to change, to get past this.
hundun: ive thought about that....
marc: read my blog nalang para matawa ka
hundun: i did na
hundun: funny nga e
hundun: beeeepppp!!!!!!!
marc: no i have a new entry, now lang.
hundun : a ok
hundun : what about?
marc: my weekend lang, pero galing lang talaga ako magwrite. even the most mundane things become interesting and entertaining.
marc: ya nga pala, i haven't gotten you stoned yet. this week you want?
marc: brb
hundun: i like the beep beep story better
hundun: brb
hundun: im back
marc: back
marc: ya i thought you would.
hundun : im sooooo tamad na
marc: you tell me nalang if you wanna smoke up, no pressure. baka ma-addict k apa.
hundun : teka you're making me BI
hundun: is that gonna fry my brain?
marc: no it won't. yes, it will, but it's just the same as drinking beer and making lasing.
hundun: kaya nga i dont drink e

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing" (Anais Nin)

All I see turns to brown, as the sun burns the ground
And my eyes fill with sand, as I scan this wasted land
Trying to find, trying to find where I've been.

Oh, pilot of the storm who leaves no trace, like thoughts inside a dream
Heed the path that led me to that place, yellow desert stream
My Shangri-La beneath the summer moon, I will return again
Sure as the dust that floats high in June, when movin' through Kashmir.

Oh, father of the four winds, fill my sails, across the sea of years
With no provision but an open face, along the straits of fear

A year ago..this is what I wrote:

what I need right now are your prayers. do not ask why but i need them. Agnostic, unbelieving me needs all the prayers right now.

Lord, help me walk another mile, just one more mile.
I'm tired of walkin' all alone.
Lord, help me smile another smile, just one more smile.
I know I just can't make it on my own. I never thought I needed help before.
I thought that I could do things by myself. Now I know I just can't take it anymore.
With a humble heart, on bended knee. I'm beggin' you, please, for help.
~Johnny Cash

A year after...I still need your help... I still am asking for your prayers...but I am not anymore Agnostic or an unbeliever...my faith is stronger...stronger than it has ever been...a year after it still feels that the weight of world is on my shoulders and its sheer weight is biting through my weary shoulder just like that of Hipparchus' Atlas...i still feel that my happy-face-everything-is-ok mask still on... i still feel that I have to live this lie so that people won't see how sad I am...as Len said, I'm funny sad person..so everyday I play the part of the happy girl while inside the pain is gobbling me up....clickity click! Say cheese! and another day starts...



Does it ever get easy?" Buffy once asked Giles, the Watcher who was assigned to mentor and train her.

"You mean life?" Giles asked.

"Yeah. Does it get easy?"

"What do you want me to say?"

Buffy looked up at him, half-formed tears in her eyes. "Lie to me."

Giles considered for a moment. "Yes, it's terribly simple."

He told Buffy. "The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and we always defeat them and save the day.
No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after."

"Liar."

	Tenderheart Bear You are thinker, organizer, peacekeeper, and leader all in one. You have a power to command attention and people listen to you. However, you are often so concerned about not hurting others' feelings that you don't tell them what they need to hear and this gets you both into trouble. But you always have loyal friends to help you out.
Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

"No Man is worth a woman's tears. The only one who's worth her tears is the one who knows he could but would never, ever make her cry."

Whether you believe in the cases or not, that is up to you.


CASE 1: Kelly Sedey had one wish, for her boyfriend of three years, David Marsden, to propose to her. Then one day when she was out to lunch David proposed! She accepted, but then had to leave because she had a meeting in 20 min. When she got to her office, she noticed on her computer she had some e-mail's. She checked it, the usual stuff from her friends, but then she saw one that she had never gotten before. It was this poem. She simply deleted it without even reading all of it. BIG MISTAKE! Later that evening, she received a phone call from the police. It was about DAVID! He had been in an accident with an 18 wheeler. He didn't survive.

CASE 2: Take Katie Robinson. She received this poem and being the believer that she was, she sent it to a few of her friends but didn't have enough e-mail addresses to send out the full 10 that you must. Three days later, Katie went to a masquerade ball. Later that night when she left to get to her car to go home, she was killed on the spot by a hit-and-run drunk driver.

CASE 3: Richard S. Willis sent this poem out within 45 minutes of reading it. Not even 4 hours later walking along the street to his new job interview with a really big company, when he ran into Cynthia Bell, his secret love for 5 years. Cynthia came up to him and told him of her
passionate crush on him that she had had on him for 2 years. Three days later, he proposed to her and they got married. Cynthia and Richard are still married with three children, happy as ever!

This is the poem:

Around the corner I have a friend,

In this great city that has no end,

Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,

And before I know it, a year is gone.

And I never see my old friends face,

For life is a swift and terrible race,

He knows I like him just as well,

As in the days when I rang his bell.

And he rang mine but we were younger then,

And now we are busy, tired men.

Tired of playing a foolish game,

Tired of trying to make a name.

"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim

Just to show that I'm thinking of him."

But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,

And distance between us grows and grows.

Around the corner, yet miles away,

"Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."

And that's what we get and deserve in the end.

Around the corner, a vanished friend.

Remember to always say what you mean. If you love someone, tell them. Don't be afraid to express yourself. Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you. Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late. Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.

"Live Each Day As If It Were Your Last... Tomorrow is Not Promised."

From me...I'm not saying that you should send this entry to your friends...its the essence of the entry...what it means...Don't bank on tomorrow because tomorrow might never come...Live today...don't fill your life with what if's, could've been's and what might have been's...

...i saw a good friend walk down the aisle with tears in her eyes and happiness spewing from her lips...



Someday when I'm awfully low
When the world is cold
I feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight.
Oh, but you're lovely with your smile so warm
And your cheek so soft
There is nothing for me to love you
And the way you look tonight
With each word your tenderness grows
Tearing my fear apart
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose touches my foolish heart
Lovely, never ever change
Keep that breathless charm
Won't you please arrange it?
'Cause I love you
Just the way you look tonight...



...Wishin', and hopin', and thinkin', and prayin'....


"You're probably drumming your fingernails on the white linen tablecloth the way you do when you're really feeling down. Perhaps even looking at those nails thinking, "God, I should have stopped in all my evil plotting to have that manicure.""


No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.

My "old" friends...in the end, when all our dreams have passed...when all the love songs has been sung...when the bell has tolled for us...when all our tears has turned to rust...our laughter would still reverberate...our Jon jokes would still be corny...our kwentos would still be replayed.....maybe we'd all end up together...and we'd still dance just like how we danced tonight...

"Maybe there won't be marriage, maybe there won't be sex, but by God there'll be dancing!"

"What holds you back is the fact that you keep the negativity of the past alive in your mind. When you focus on the past disappointments, limitations and shortcomings it brings them into the present; focus instead on the possibilities of the future."

Been sick since January 1...when I got to the office that day someone even commented na I so look like 2004..right on dude! Since that day, my body rejects any solid food...can't sleep properly..I easily tire...was even s'posed to have my self checked sa hospital but stubborn me decided against it. no way am i gonna be cooped up for days in the hospital! but i'm better now..ate my first solid food w/o throwing it up last wednesday. Thanks to those people who asked, told me to go home and even gave me sabaw to make sure that I eat ***heart***

salamat salamat :)

thursday was loner's day for me...a good book and music are my bestest buddies...thanks to Lord Jeffrey Archer , LIVE and Kitchiefor accompanying me.

During my loner's walk, i discovered a chapel in the monstrous mall and found myself praying for friends who i knew needed all the help that they can get from the big guy above...as for me...i prayed...for peace of mind..for calmness in my heart...for happiness...for love above all else....as Derrick said, a panacea...send me mine Lord...send me mine soon...the air is already thinning for me...i can hardly breathe...the water is up to my ears and i am drowning...drowning...slowly..painfully drowning...in my own tears...

I have never taken Life
Yet I have often paid the price
And you, you are a victim of this age
And the guilt that hangs around your neck
Has got me locked up in a cage

You've got to learn to live until no end
But first you must learn to swim
All over again
Because...

Pain lies on the riverside
And Pain will never say goodbye
Pain Lies on the Riverside
So put you feet in the water
Put your head in the water
Put your soul in the water
And join me for a swim tonight

I have forever, always tried
To stay clean and constantly baptized
I am aware that the river's banks are dry
And to wait for a flood
Is to wait for life

I've got to learn to live until no end
But first I must learn to swim all
Over again,
Because...

Pain lies on the Riverside.

CONFUSION

"Boys frustrate me. I hate all their indirect messages, I hate game playing. Do you like me or don't you? Just tell me so I can get over you." - Kirsten Dunst

I suddenly realized that I haven't really been posting things that happened to me but vague entries that only people who I see and talk to every day would be able to understand or "get"....so to those who I forgot...my sincere apologies...

as i said 2004 didn't end on a high note for me...why...sorry this is something that I'd rather not talk about now...but just a gist...just to whet you imagination...let's just say that just when I thought it's ok for me to let down my well built defenses...that just when I thought it's ok to take the risk...just when I thought it's ok to trust someone...i was wrong...dead wrong...I took a great risk for NOTHING. My apologies..today is not the right time to blog about this..not when my heart is still hurting...I'll keep quiet muna...because that is just how I am...the more hurt I am the quieter I become...

"If little by little you stop loving me I shall stop loving you little by little. If suddenly you forget me... do not look for me, for I shall already have forgotten you." -Pablo Neruda



December 31st 11:50pm..new year's eve in the office...my fourth...we rushed down to the street to join the countdown...5..4..3..2..1...its 2005!

Me : aba! wla pang nagttext sa akin a! Kung sino unang mag ttext sa akin sya na ang mamahalin ko pang habang buhay

***beep beep***
Me : Wylmer! Di ka kasali..pang end of the world-pag bingi at bulag na tayo-pang last resort groom kita..hindi ka kasali!!!!!!
Wyl: ***guffaws***

***beep beep***

Me : Hala! (shows text to Wylmer...looks at the texter...)
Me : (To myself) No comment!


nagrereturn of the comeback ka ba?

....From days of long ago, from uncharted regions of the universe, comes a legend; the legend of Voltron, Defender of the Universe, a mighty robot, loved by good, feared by evil. As Voltron's legend grew, peace settled across the galaxy. On Planet Earth, a Galaxy Alliance was formed. Together with the good planets of the solar system, they maintained peace throughout the universe, until a new horrible menace threatened the galaxy. Voltron was needed once more. This is the story of the super force of space explorers, specially trained and sent by the Alliance to bring back Voltron, Defender of the Universe!....

Maria Agatha Belinda Bettina Eugenie' Victoria...Belinda...Maribel...Belle (only if we're close please!)...a.k.a HÜndÜn

MARIA
Usage: Italian, Portuguese, German, Scandinavian, Dutch, Greek, Polish, Czech, Romanian, English, Finnish, Icelandic
Pronounced: mah-REE-ah
Latinate form of MARY. This was the name of several queens of Portugal. It was also borne by the 18th-century Habsburg queen Maria Theresa, whose inheritance of the domains of her father, the Holy Roman Emperor Charles VI, began the War of the Austrian Succession.

Although the name Maria creates the urge to work in harmony with others, we point out that it causes a superior, interfering expression. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the fluid systems, worry and mental tension. Your name of Maria gives you the desire to understand and to help others but, at the same time you can become too involved in their problems and, as a result, worry too much. You desire a home and family of your own and have the ability to create understanding and harmony in family association as you are pliable, forgiving, and tactful. You love children and would not hesitate to care for any children who might need you. Whenever possible, you avoid argument and turmoil because you prefer not to face an issue if it means hurting anyone's feelings

BELINDA
Usage: English
Pronounced: be-LIN-da
The meaning of this name is not known for certain. The first element could be related Italian bella "beautiful". The second element could be related to Germanic lind "serpent, dragon" or linde "soft, tender".

Although the name Belinda creates the urge to be reliable and responsible, we emphasize that it causes procrastination, lack of confidence, and the inability to realize your goals and ambitions. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the fluid systems, and worry or mental tension. As Belinda you are rather serious-minded, responsible, and stable. You have the gift of tact and diplomacy, and possess a charming, easy-going nature which endears you to others. You have a serious desire to understand the heart and mind of everyone, and could be very effective in a career or in volunteer work where you are handling people and serving in a humanitarian way. This name also gives you a love of home and family, and as a parent you would likely be fair and understanding.

extras:

Belinda is a moon of Uranus. It is named after the heroine of Alexander Pope's The Rape of the Lock. Other than its size and orbit, virtually nothing is known about it.

Belinda is the name of a fictional character in Alexander Pope's The Rape of the Lock.

Belinda is a novel written by Anne Rice under the pseudonym "Anne Rampling

"Thank your readers and the critics who praise you, and then ignore them. Write for the most intelligent, wittiest, wisest audience in the universe: Write to please yourself."

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times....

We all have a story to tell. We often judge our own stories as being good or bad, right or wrong. The truth is, each and every one of them not only holds meaning for us but for those around us as well. Our entries...our stories...our moments...our thoughts...our pain and our joys these are the things that happens in our lives that we want to share with other people who, may or may not care. Our stories try to reach out to other people and that in some way says...here I am! Make me a part of your life as I want you to be a part of mine....yes, we hope, too, that amongst the so many bloggers, web surfers and whoever there may be one or two who will perchance drop by our little world (read: blog) WILL care and will give a damn what happens to us...so another year has begun...let us read and be merry...let's start our life's story...be part of my trials and tribulations..my joys and my pains...my living and my dying in almost every breath that I take...here is my life...my story






"Suscipe, Domine, universam meam libertatem. Accipe memoriam, intellectum atque voluntatem omnem. Quidquid habeo vel possideo mihi largitus es; id tibi totum restituo, ac tuae prorsus voluntati trado gubernandum. Amorem tui solum cum
gratia tua mihi dones, et dives sum satis, nec aliud quidquam ultra posco. Amen

"The world has turned and left me here, just where i was before you appeared" (Weezer)

the last entry for 2004...

5 deaths...

1 love lost...

2 what might have beens

so many broken promises

countless tears

innumerable hurt

infinite pain

so many pent up prayers and wishes all sent to the skies and stars above....all remain unanswered...

has God forgotten my address?

when will all the hurt the pain and the tears stop...

annus horribilis as I once described this year...i'm kinda hoping 2005 will be better for me...i almost thought that since this year started on a low note for me that sana it'll end on a high note...and for awhile I almost did think that it was gonna be a happy ending for me for 2004...but, as usual, reality continues to destroy my life...it has been a life on a tight rope...it has been a year that seemed like I was perpetually living in the out house that when I almost thought that I could get out for some whiff of fresh air someone just had to say CUT! Bummer.

"I know I'm not perfect, but I can smile. And I hope that you see this heart behind
my tired eyes." (Dido)


The stars will cry
The blackest tears tonight
And this is the moment that I live for
I can smell the ocean air
And here I am
Pouring my heart onto these rooftops
Just a ghost to the world
That's exactly
Exactly what I need

From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day

For a second I wish the tide
Would swallow every inch of this city
As you gasp for air tonight
I'd scream this song right in your face
If you were here
I swear I won't miss a beat
Cause I never
Never have before

From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day

For a second I wish the tide
Would swallow every inch of this city
And you gasp for air tonight!!

From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day
From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day
From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day

"Maybe I'm happy and I just don't know it." (Ally McBeal)

things that i have to do today:

1. Check my mail and ym messages
2. Fix my room
3. Pay Globe
4. Find a dress for Mitch's Wedding and Dianne's debut
5. Buy a planner
6. Check out Powerbooks' sale
7. List down all DVDs



Something that I read in Inquirer:

Don't dwell on that empty space
By Thelma Sioson San Juan


THIS is one Christmas where we must exert extra effort to find the joy of the season simply because death came one after the other. Never has the yearend seen the front and opinion pages mourning the loss of lives day after day, muting the sound of holiday celebration.

You're surrounded by the news of death near and far, and even of impending loss since you know of at least one relatively young person battling cancer in what must have seemed like an epidemic-no matter how ridiculous a cancer epidemic may sound.

It's a threatening reminder even to the hip and young. What's up with the planets?

Nothing perhaps, it's just the usual cycle. Yet you must steel your heart and keep your heart still so that you catch whatever it is life is trying to tell you. How do you cope with the loss, and how do you listen to its message?

By being quiet and attentive. It is ironic that the drift of the season is surviving the loss. The holiday mood is not euphoric, it is thoughtful and sober.

So how do you cope? No choice but to roll with the punches, so you can muster enough strength to get back on your feet and walk on. In fact, there is no making up for a loss and it is foolhardy to think that an experience could be duplicated or a loved one replaced.

Our friend Alya Honasan even said as much of a dog when her Muffin (her name) died a few weeks ago. Accept and absorb the hurt and wear out the pain. After all, the heart -- along with the rest of the body -- gets fatigued from hurting.

Then -- seize a new moment and live it. The cliché is true, we're just passing by, experiencing moments and people along the way, but never really owning them indefinitely. We can't even retrace our step-that happens only in the mind. There's only the forward motion where time is concerned.

You can't go back, but you can move on. Muster the faith to see only the fullness of the moment, not its emptiness. Don't dwell on that empty space.

Christmas, therefore, is seizing the moment and living it as if it were a blessing, because it is. Let your every moment be an answered prayer. Merry Christmas!

"...You must remember this
A kiss is still a kiss
A sigh is just a sigh
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by....

And when two lovers woo,
They still say, "I love you"
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings....."

"They say when love knocks on your door, open it. But do you know that sometimes love enters through the back door and before you notice it, its on its way out"

Mom: Hello anak!
Me : Mommy!
Mom : How are you? Are you ok?
Me : kinda... :(
Mom: You want to go home?
Me : Right now..yes...
Mom : Uwi ka na
Me : Di ko po alam e...
Mom : Daddy is sick. You better go home no one's taking care of you there
Me : Give me time ha? ha? ha?
Mom : Always asking for time but you never come home

....at the end, happiness is not a destination: it is a manner of travelling and the way you travelled. happiness is not an end in itself. it is a by-product of working, playing, loving and living.....

WAG NA WAG MONG SASABIHIN
(Kitchie Nadal)

May gusto ka bang sabihin
Ba't di mapakali
Ni hindi makatingin
Sana'y wag mo na tong palipasin
At subukang lutasin Sa mga sinabi mo na
Ibang nararapat sa akinNa tunay kong mamahalin

Wag na wag mong sasabihin
Na hindi mo nadama itong
Pag-ibig kong handang
Ibigay kahit pa kalayaan mo
Ano man ang 'yong akala
Na ako'y isang bituin
Na walang sasambahin'Di ko man ito ipakita
Abot langit ang daing
Sa mga sinabi mo na

At sa gabi sinong duduyan sayo
At sa umaga ang hangin and hahaplos sayo

"...pre, steady ka lang..."

One
U2

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame?
You say
One love, one life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
It leaves you, baby
If you don't care for it
Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well, it's too late
Tonight
To drag your past out
Into the light
We're one
But we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other
One
Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the day?
Have you come to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head?
Did I ask too much
More than a lot?
You gave me nothing now
It's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
We will
We hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love, the higher law
Love is a temple
Love, the higher law
You ask me to enter
And then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life you got
To do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters, brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other To LoVe...

Anyone who has gone through the agony of losing someone she loves so much will still wish against all odds to have that love back again. But, sometimes a love lost is a love gone forever. No amount of hope can bring to life a relationship that just died a natural death. Set yourself free. Let your heart spread its wings and fly. Remember, it may rain for 40 days and 40 nights, but still will not rain forever. One day the pouring will stop and there will be plenty of branches where you can find rest. One of these is where you will build your nest and start over again. It's never too late. Remember, you may find love and lose it but, "WHEN LOVE DIES, YOU NEVER HAVE TO DIE WITH IT".

Remember that you cannot be a redeemer all your life. The best way to weigh a relationship is out in the test of fire. You cannot be a sooner of your mistake forever. Remember, we all fail and make wrong decisions but our blunders are meant not to bury us deep in misery but to teach us the valued lessons of life. Loving is always a learning process.

With love, we learn how to care and sacrifice. We learn to share and reach out. We learn to be unselfish and give more than we can. And when everything doesn't end well, we learn how it fells fall, we strive to get back on our feet and move on. This is where we learn that "Life doesn't end where our heartaches begin".

THERE IS NO FUTURE IN A RELATIONSHIP OF LIES AND SELFISHNESS. It's true, there's life in love. But, there can still be life even after losing love if you leave the past behind and let your heart heal and give you the chance to find yourself again. The success of a relationship lies not only in the beauty of its beginning but in its consistency. Make a choice not on impulse but a decision based on a healthy balance of mind and heart. Let us always remember that "HAPPINESS IS NOT A MATTER OF DESTINY BUT A MATTER OF CHOICE".

There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of its when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than friendship. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves.

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO FORGET SOMEONE YOU LOVE. WHAT YOU NEED TO LEARN IS HOW TO ACCEPT THE VERDICT OF REALITY WITHOUT BEING BITTER OR SORRY FOR YOURSELF. YOU WOULD BETTER OFF GIVING THAT THE DEDICATION AND LOVE TO SOMEONE MORE DESERVING". Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow.

"IF YOU LOSE LOVE, THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE FAILED IN LOVE. CRY IF YOU HAVE TO, BUT MAKE SURE THAT TEAR WASHES AWAY THE HURT AND THE BITTERNESS THAT THE PAST LEFT YOU WITH. LET GO OF YESTERDAY AND LOVE WILL FIND ITS BACK TO YOU". And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.

A woman on the rebound could easily fall for sweeping emotions and be made to falsely believe that she finally stumbled upon the right man when what she just found is only someone to cover up for the love she lost. A man who makes promises with words and not with actions may never live up to fulfill them. "IT'S TRUE THAT LOVE CAN WAIT FOREVER BUT IT IS CRAZY TO STUBBORNLY HOPE FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T EVEN CARE OR UNDERSTAND HOW WE FEEL".

Loving someone is never a sin. It is what people do out of love that sometimes makes it all wrong. The selfish desire to want that person is what makes it a sin. Don't think only of your feelings for real love doesn't have a place for selfish people. When there is love, there is always sacrifice.

When we love someone, we NEVER easily GIVE UP on that person. Even if we get hurt badly we always try to find a way to ease the pain and learn to understand and forgive. Loving too much doesn't hurt. It is when we expect this love to be reciprocated that we begin to seek approval and acceptance of the things we have done and when we are taken for granted and rejected, we curse the very same love that we once freely and happily offered.

"DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME WAITING FOR SOMEONE WHO NEVER REALLY CARED ABOUT HOW YOU WOULD HAVE FELT. OPEN YOUR HEART AGAIN AND GIVE YOURSELF THE CHANCE TO FIND THE MAN WHO WOULD MAKE LOVING WORTH THE PAIN AND THE SACRIFICE. Just like anything else, our love grows weak and extent. Beyond that, it withers without any hope of recovery and soon dies".

God wakes us up in the midst of a storm to teach us a lesson. He takes away people we love, so we can learn to value love itself. He makes us cry so hard so we can see clearly when we open our eyes. He makes us bitter so we can realize that there is no genuine happiness if we think only of our needs and not of others.

Relationships built on jealousy and selfishness is doomed from the very beginning. The hardest part of losing love is letting go and moving on. Most of us cry endlessly over things that could have been but never will be.

"God allows us to experience pain to make us stronger and better persons. He will see us through the most trying and difficult times in our lives and only if we put our trust in Him we can learn to find joy in our tears and happiness in our sorrows".

In many failed relationships, separation comes as the inevitable choice but moving on always proves to be twice as difficult as letting go. Sometimes, the end of a relationship is imposed on us, but our choice to hold on is always beyond the control of circumstances.

Letting go is a decision that can never be dictated on us. It is a resolve we make ourselves. Acceptance is the key to a new beginning and time is the healer of all wounds. Even if the storm casts its fearful shadow, there will always be light after our darkness and lonely moments. There is always a hope for those who believe. There is always a chance for those who try. "Losing someone we may not be a loss at all but a blessing because someone even more is yet to come".

There is nothing wrong in expressing our feelings to someone we love, but "we must always be sensitive to the signals that tell us when to rationalize and be sensible." There comes a time in our lives when we would fall for someone who wouldn't be as interested as we are because his attention is focused on someone else.

There are many times when we love but don't get loved in return. There are times when the sign ahead says stop but we still stubbornly head on. We would say our love is unconditional, but if it really is, then we should never feel bad. But why do we get frustrated when love turns sour? Because we still subconsciously seek acceptance and assurance from the people we care about.

Being in love can be the most wonderful thing we could experience but if the feeling begins to consume our whole beings, then we have to stop and let our minds and not our hearts dictate our actions. Only when we learn to accept our fate and understand the meaning of our failures we can truly go on with life without having to look back and cry over the things that could have been but will never be......
"ReAcH FoR YoU... MiSSiNg YoU... SeCrEtLy ReCaLLiNg wHaT HaS BeEn
...I DoN't WaNt To ReMeMBeR"

"I haven't felt the way I feel today
In so long it's hard for me to specify.
I'm beginning to notice how much this
Feels like a waking limb... pins and needles..."



...sala sa lamig sala sa init...

"I've done the marry-go-round,
I've been through the revolving door,
I feel I just met someone I can stand still with for a minute
Don't you wanna stand still with ME?"

isang palatastas sa aking mala teleseryeng buhay:

"It is with great regret that I must confirm that the wizard styling himself Lord - well, you know who I mean - is alive among us again," Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge

see you in the Summer of 2005 Half-Blood Prince!

eto ang Merry Christmas tlaga! San ka pa? Ayos! Timing is everything tlaga!

...sala sa lamig...sala sa init...anak ng!

the veil closes for me...no more...no more..no more chance to get hurt...

An Old Fashioned Christmas
(Frank Sinatra)

Give me an old fashioned christmas, an old fashioned christmas,
Family faces, wide open spaces, covered with snow, Right now my mom there in the kitchen, basting the christmas bird, You'll have to take my word, you can't find that at the automat.
An old fashioned fireplace, give me an old fashioned fireplace,
My heart remembers smoldering embers, warming your glow,
I'd trade that whole manhattan skyline, the shimmering steel and
chrome,
For one old fashioned christmas back home.


Just a few more hours and its gonna be its gonna be my fourth Christmas in the office...

unlike most people I don't have anyone to go home to pag Christmas..pag new year..pag labor day...pag holy week....pag Nov. 1...or any holiday for that matter...
My hope for everyone is that this never happens to you....



Merry Christmas everyone :)

Kisses and Hugs from me...know that I wish nothing but joy and happiness for you and may God bless you and keep you.

Blessed Be!

From Seed:

"I may not know your pain, but I know mine...
and I know my pain comes and goes.
it goes when I begin to trust again...
trust the other person to be doing what they have to be doing
trust that I myself am ok, and I'm going through what I need to be going through right now for some reason.

trust God to take care of me - to provide the best for me....for us...

but only when I....we trust Him.

in other words

when I become "detached" from the outcome.
when I let it be - and know the best is yet to come...when I let go.

and by the way- what does it feel like when i let go?
peace.
that's the only single word to describe it.
it's goodit brings clarityit lets me live again...it lets me take care

¤ The face can speak of a thousand emotions but it can easily mask what the heart truly feels. Don't be fooled...for the happiest face may be masking the most hurting heart. ¤


what do you know of my hurt
what do you know of how my tears fell for you
what do you know of my pain
I held on for you...

But you will never hear anything from me...the more hurt I feel the quieter I become


They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life that I can't control

They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that' s fading away

You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Hang on to the good days
I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times
But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe
Blame me for what's happening
I can't try, I can't try, I can't try...

No one knows the hard times I went through
If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over
I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away

Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive

I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

this is exactly how I feel right now...don't mind the fact that this is the new Batman movie poster...look at how the shoulders stoop...overwhelming sadness....

"I'm ok....the next time you hear me say that...stop for a while, decode my smile, look me in the eye, and take a peek inside my soul..."

i feel like a huge cross is perched on my shoulders and with every passing day the weight just keeps on getting heavier and heavier...is this my Via Dolorosa..my dusty road to Galilee before I reach my Golgotha where I can unload my heavy burden?

I feel so alone amongst the people I know and love...I feel so separated from the world...with their knowing smiles and teasing looks...they do not know the cross I bear...they do not know what overwhelming sadness simmers beneath my practiced smile...

would you bear my cross with me?

Alas, t'was not meant for you to carry my cross or to share my load...this back breaking load is for me and me al0ne to bear...no one to share no one to know...

Sa panahon na ang pagmamahal na dadaan sa text...sa panahon ng digital karma...sa panahon ng mabilisang emotions...Bakit di ganito kadali ma-grant ang lahat ng kahilingan ko?

1: say yourself, say the name of the only guy or girl you wanna be with 3 times!

******************************************************************

2. Think of something you wanna accomplish within the next week and say it to your self 6 times!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3. If you had 1 wish what would it be? say it to yourself 9 times!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------

4. Think of something that you want to happen between you and that 1 special person and say it to your self 12 times!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

5. Now, here's the hard part! pick only 1 of these wishes and as you scroll down focus and concentrate on it and think on nothing else but that wish & final wish about that one wish that you picked.

After reading this, you have 1 hour to send it out to 15 people, and what you wished for will come true within one week! The more people you send it, the stronger you wish will be! The more, the better!!!!

Kahit na po hindi World Peace or something chorvalu for all mankind kse alam ko na hard yun e so ang kahilingan ko nalang po ay sana bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep...pwede na yun Lord for me. thank you :)

December 10 na! Ako ang pinakamaligayang nilalang sa buong mundo. lahat nagsshopping na. cept me. lahat nagplano na kung ano gagawin nila sa christmas bonus nila. cept me. lahat gumigimik na kung sansan. cept me. lahat binibilang na kung magkano nalang ang natitira sa kanilang christmas bonus. cept me. lahat nagwworry na bakit ang bilis maubos ang christmas bonus nila. cept me. lahat naiinis na sa haba ng mga lines sa mga atm machines. cept me. lahat nagwworry na san mas ok bumili sa divisoria or sa greenhills. cept me. lahat nagpapakasaya na sa piling ng kanilang mga christmas bonus. cept me.

kase nakalimutan ako ng aking magaling na companya. wla pa akong Christmas Bonus. Lahat meron na daw. cept me. ayos!

Renee: "Snow White. Cinderella. All about gettin' a guy. Being saved by the guy. Today it's The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas. All about gettin' a guy."

Ally: "So basically we're screwed up because of..."

Renee: "Disney."


it all started when my dad got me an old tape (read: betamax) of Pinocchio and Sleeping Beauty. I was young then so it was quite mind boggling for me to like a movie because of storyline or lighting or whatever movie review jargon one can think of. I learned to love Disney Movies because...well, because they're nice...usual kiddie emotion. Then came more Disney movies for me..graduated to Mills and Boon...to Sweet Dreams (Yes, dearies, in THAT order!) to sweet Valley High to Judith McNaught books...yada yada yada..it was downward spiral from then...

Such mediums fuzzed my mind and made me the romantic fool that I am now (Foooollleesssshhh!)...I grew up (For lack of a better term) thinking that there would be some Knight in shining armor riding in his arabian horse to appear one day in my down trodden life to rescue me from my tower and sweep me off my feet...it was never taught in life 101 or even in Love102 that such scenarios DO NOT EXIST! (Huuuwwaaatt!!!) It was just another figment of some joker's over active imagination or gonads to let the world think that such pathetic beliefs do exist. My bubble had to be pop-ed through the ol'e tried and tested way of getting hurt by a man...ooppsss there goes my bubble...mooooooooommmmmmmmmmmm!

Algebra, Eco or how to dissect a frog never made sense to me. If love was taught in gradeschool and Highschool it would've been more useful to me. WHY was such things never taught in highschool? or in gradeschool? Y'think I should sue Assumption and all the nuns? HA! I was taught how to write the much envied Assumption writing. I was taught how to market or how to sew an apron but never was I taught how not to believe in men's lies or how to protect my heart. If I was then maybe I wouldn't be as fucked as I am now.

At least I know how to write the Assumption way. flawlessly. San ka pa?

Now where's my writing book? Maybe with more practice I'd be able to get a hang of all these....

some RULES to follow...LISTEN UP!

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.


2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him alone.

4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

6. Don't force an attraction.

7. Slower is better.

8. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

9. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

10. Have faith in God regarding your relationship,but don't let faith make you stupid. God does things decent and in order.

11. Don't settle.

12. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

13. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship--take that as a BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with a man like that?

14. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

15. Honorable men take care of their business and aren't involved in a whole lot of mess.

16. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

17. There's only one 'reason' a man dumps you; he doesn't want you.

18. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

19. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.

20. Always put yourself and your happiness first.

21. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

22. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.

23. Like from the show Sex and the City, if he doesn't call, he just isn't that interested.

24. Be honest and upfront.

25. Know when to cut the cord, don't be strung along.

26. Don't fall for the "I'm confused role". Remove yourself from the situation to let him figure things out (but don't wait for him, move on).

27. If you want to have a clue as to how he will treat you, watch how he treats the WOMEN in his family (not just mom).

28. There's more than physical abuse, there's emotional and mental abuse. If he causes any of them...flee.

29. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within.

30. Don't let him place rules on you that he is not willing to follow himself -- double-standard.

31. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more
education or in a better job.

32. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

33. Demand respect and if he can't give it, he can't have you!

34. Don't compete with other woman, but be aware that men are attracted to what they see.

35. If you think he is cheating, he probably is. Confront him right away and if you feel he's lying, let him go.

36. Actions speak louder than words.

37. Never let a man define who you are.

38. Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that.

39. Never borrow someone else's man.

40. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

41. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt you and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be with him.

42. To use painful hard-won wisdom -- 'get it right' the next time.

43. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the #1person in your life.

44. Love is a verb ...

45. Learn to give up your lifelong task of trying to make someone unavailable-available, someone ungiving-giving, and someone unloving-loving.

46. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

47. All men are NOT dogs.

48. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.

49. If you don't love self...you can't love anyone else.

50. You cannot mend someone else's broken heart.

51. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about
baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

52. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complementary...not supplementary.

53. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

54. NEVER give more in a relationship than you are getting out of it.

55. Never become your man's "therapist".

56. When actions and words conflict, believe the actions. Respond to the actions.

57. A real healthy relationship requires two people. One person can end it - but it takes two to make it work.

58. Don't fall for the "I'm not the loving type"...when a man loves you there is nothing in this world (within reason) that he wouldn't do for you.

59. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him he takes it for granted.

60. Give him his space...let him go out with his boys, don't pressure him to spend time with you, You cant force a man to hang out with you.

61. If you wouldn't allow your daughter to be with him you shouldn't.

62. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

63. Never move into his mother's house.

64. Provide financially for yourself and don't depend on anyone.

65. Never co-sign for a man.

66. Never believe you have the perfect guy and he is so innocent.

67. Never spoil your man; let him spoil you.

68. Never let a man mess up your credit.

69. When it's time to let go; let go.

70. Good men should be treated like good men.

71. Don't play games.

72. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

73. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

74. Compatibility in terms of educational attainment, values, beliefs, personal and career goals, and socioeconomic status, are important.

75. Never date a guy who wears colored contacts

"Memories is a good thing if you don't have to deal with the past." (Before Sunset)

I'm na psy-psycho na! argh! i know you have to accept someone's past pero bat ganun...isang malaki and malalim na HAAAAYY!

I can accept the reasoning that you parted as friends and you treasure the happy moments and whatever BS you wanna give me but treasuring it to the point na you keep your pictures sa wallet and sa phone?....isang malaki and malalim na HAAAAYY!

..more pa later...basta psycho na ko!

...its coming over you its coming over me
im crashing like a tidal wave and i dont wnna be stranded...

wasn't able to blog. wasn't able to finish doing my christmas decors. i wasn't able to finish watching my dvds. i wasn't able to have my eye glasses fixed. i wasn't able to pay my bills...why? i was busy being happy...

"Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be." (Carrie SATC)

Closing Cycles
(Paolo Coelho)

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.

If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us.

What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate he books you have at home.

Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose.

Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain
loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment."

Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need.

This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important. Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

"Love is a commitment of the heart that will stand the test of wavering
emotions, intellectual rationalizing, circumstantial allure, hormonal
infatuation, and even the wounds of your lover. Anything less is not true
love."

"Deny the truth to avoid suffering."

If you're afraid of something what would you do? Do you confront the fear or run away?

I choose to run away. I usually have the Bahala-Na attitude with my fears but not this one. For this I choose to run. High tail it to the highest mountains if need be. Why? Because I'm scared what this feeling will do to me and to think that it may even be something that will do me good or something that I'll like....

Are you scared of some rides in the amusement park. Say, for example, Anchor's away or the space shuttle in Enchanted? I am. But scared shit as I am it doesn't prevent me from thinking several times if I should go with my friends and brave it with them. It doesn't prevent me from standing on the sidelines watching my friends shrieking their heart out and at the same time smiling from the thrill of the ride. I stand there hoping that at some point I'd be able to let go of my fear...at some point...but not yet

what have I let myself into.......

Damaged
(TLC)

I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that I've been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time

And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if you?re all mine
I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through
Don't know what you got yourself into

And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that (I think you should know)
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It?s nothing to you

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should

...and I'm about to run away. won't you hold my hand to calm my fears before I let go of my second chance on love coz my fear is drowning me... (Adnileb)

Fear
(Sarah McLachlan)

morning smiles
like the face of a newborn child
innocent unknowing
winter's end
promises of a long lost friend
speaks to me of comfort

but i fear
i have nothing to give
i have so much to lose here in this lonely place
tangled up in your embrace
there's nothing i'd like better than to fall but i fear
i have nothing to give

wind in time
rapes the flower trembling on the vine
and nothing leads to shelter it
from above
they say temptation will destroy our love
the never ending hunger

but i fear
i have nothing to give
i have so much to lose here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing i'd like better than to fall
but i fear
i have nothing to give
i have so much to lose
i have nothing to give
we have so much to lose

kaje: wassup with ur lovelife?
hundun : hey
hundun : 'eto scared shitless
kaje : why're ur blog entries like that?
hundun : why?
kaje : like as u said it.. love makes u scared shitless?
hundun : yuh


kaje : love is love. savor it while u can.
hundun : i know
hundun : kaso its the emotional investment
hundun : that im wary of
hundun : he's not nman pressuring me *edited*
hundun : pero everytime we're together makes me fall deeper and deeper
hundun : punyeta
hundun : i like all the kilig stuff
kaje : when u worry about it too much, and about what happens next, u take for granted its presence and the momentum gets lost
hundun : pero....
kaje : iyanla vanzant says, our thoughts create reality.if u keep thinking u might get hurt again, then that's what u just might get in the end.
kaje : dont ruin the rest of ur life just bec some jerk broke ur heart. this could be the person who could give u what ur looking for.
hundun : i know but..really really scared
kaje : what're u scared of? that u'll get hurt?
kaje : it's inevitable
kaje : and as they always say.. it's a risk
hundun : the hurt
hundun : lahat

kaje : ayyy
kaje : *TOOT* only 22
hundun : yan pa ang isa!
hundun : he's younger!
kaje : and ur?? ...*TOOT*
kaje : aw sorry.
hundun : bothered na nga ko sa age gap namin ni aids dati na 2 years
hundun : eto namn mas bata
kaje : it only becomes an issue if you make it one.
hundun: pero still the thought
kaje : rmember R and C?
kaje : they're 22
kaje : it came to mind
kaje : but it doesnt matter.
hundun : eeee...
hundun : it doesnt ultimately pero its at the back of my mind
kaje : why do u complicate ur life soo much?
hundun : I DONT KNOW KATHERINE I DONT KNOW!!!!!!!!!
kaje : isa kang masochista
hundun : i guess it because life has thrown me a lot of curveballs that i just keep on batting and batting not knowing if i'd ever hit the ball or not
hundun : *its
kaje : youre giving urself unnecessary problems.
hundun : and that's why imma pitcher...
hundun : *baseball pun
kaje : if ur a pitcher, it means u can pitch the ball any direction u want. why not go for the straight throw?
hundun : thing is...in this game im not the pitcher
kaje : LABO MO
hundun : life is the game and i'm not pitching
hundun : life does
hundun : just like everyone else im just a batter
hundun : and im the fourth batter at that
hundun : so, in baseball terms, thats the worst batter
kaje : I get ur pt. I meant, labo mo kase. Now here's a another chance bein thrown ur way. another shot at what-might-be a great love... and ur complicating it too much.
kaje : take away the garble of being the batter and the pitcher.
kaje : leave it to just: belle and *TOOT* likes each other.
kaje : enjoy it while it lasts.
kaje : if not, then move on.
hundun : hhaayyy...
hundun : this year's love better not last
hundun : better last pala

I have kwento!

all i know was that we were going to Bora on the 19th and that our flight was at 920am. that was all the information that i had and that was all that I needed to know...

Bora though beautiful was not what I thought it was...the sunsets were spectacular though...yes, the sand was like powder and they never seem to get hot...and so did I...food was great...water was clear...clear enough that i could see that @#$%)#&*#_$ fish that prowled around my feet...go away fishy fishy..tin:they're friendly fishes! nakasmile pa...i want my fish on my plate and not kissing my feet!

i'm not a swimmer...on the beach i'd rather stay on the sand underneath the sweltering rays of the sun trying my damnest to get myself a tan while reading a book and listening to my cds...and that's what I did...that, for me, was my personal heaven...

...Daydreamed on the bank again
I was swimming with the fish
And I thought this time that it may be true

But My toes just touched the water...


and I am back...and not as dark as I wanted to be...

this'll be my last post for this week...

at exactly 920am i leave the wasted land of Manila and off to B O R A C A Y



... the shores of Bora are waiting for me to read and dream on them...

"takot na ko magmahal..i know na masasaktan lang ako..." so goes the message from my friend...
MeatMarket's latest entry goes: "Can you really walk out of a relationship unscathed? If so, how? If not, how many times do you have to be hurt to give up on gambling your heart?"

love love love and all that hullabaloo...

if we know for a fact that loving someone entails that we will somehow get hurt by the person we love then why, for Hell's sake, still go through it over and over and over again like a masochist shouting "more pain, dammit! moooooreee!"

beats me, dude.

HA!

i don't think i'm the best person to ask about such things...

in matters of the heart, i'm not a subject matter expert.

but here's my singko na butas worth of thoughts...love and pain they go together. one cannot exist w/o the other. it has always been that way and always will be...if we can love someone w/o the pain that would be just swell...but pain was teamed up with love to make it human...love in itself is an emotion that is overwhelming and divine...it is an emotion that will consume you and push you to the highest heaven and deepest hell...pain is there to keep your feet on the ground. it teaches you that what you have now may be fleeting. it teaches you that love w/o sacrifice is not love at all...it teaches you that love cannot be contained but instead should be like a stream flowing steadily through every bend and rock it encounters until it finds it final destination..it teaches you to treat every day as if its your last because you never know what tomorrow brings..it teaches you to suck the very marrow of life until it yields to you its very essence....pain or at least the feeling of being and getting hurt remind us that we are humans...that in this big and crazy world we need people to make our life's journey interesting and colorful...

there is no one that I know of who have emerged from a relationship unscathed or unharmed but may it be a deep gash or a life threatening wound, I know that we will still love someone or something as we go through our miserable lives. I know that though we profess to never love again we know that the only bandage that'll soothe our hurting heart or the only medicine that will ease our pain is love...that i know for sure.

i have loved and lost many times in my life and still I am loving...or at least trying to. and it's not because I love the feeling of pain or being hurt..GAWD No!...but it's because despite all of the pain I've gone through and all of the tears that I've cried, my heart still longs for that one person who will love me ~faithfully and enduringly...it's because my heart still yearns for its better half..its because despite the cynicism in the world I still want to love and be loved in return...yes even with pain...

kung hindi ka nasasaktan ibig sabihin hindi ka totoong nagmamahal. Kung naghihintay ka nang kapalit sa pagmamahal na binibigay mo ibig sabihin hindi ka totoong nagmamahal. Ang tunay na pagmamahal hindi naghihintay ng kapalit. binibigay ang pagmamahal ng walang kapalit. ng walang hinihintay na pagmamahal in return. it may be masakit but its true. it may be corny but its true. ayaw mong masaktan pero nagmamahal ka? Nagmamahal ka kaya ka nasasaktan.

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."
- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist-

drowning...

i'm drowning in your eyes under the yellow sign and the stars...
won't you cover your eyes
give me time to breathe
before you drown me with your soul seering stares...
-adnileb



...when I first knew
Was when I first looked at you
And if I Can't find my way
If salvation Seems miles away
I'll be found When I'm lost in your eyes...

"I know you can be underwhelmed, and you can be overwhelmed, but can you ever just be, like, whelmed?"

13 Random Things You Like
13. the smell of (old) books
12. the smell of dawn
11. when wave swallows my toes as if saying let go of your fears and i will wash them away for you
10. kids! babies! kids! babies! Kids!
9. being held by the man i love
8. being kissed on the forehead
7. being given a "smelling kiss"
6. unexpected and sincere compliments
5. autumn leaves falling all about
4. sunday walks in Makati
3. my sunday afternoon ritual
2. when my mom or dad calls me anak
1. slow dancing (which I have never done)


12 Great Movies
12. An affair to remember/Love Affair
11. Casablanca
10. Breakfast at Tiffany's
9. face/Off
8. Air Force One
7. Gladiator
6. Sneakers
5. Juana De Loca
4. The Negotiator
3. Red Violin
2. Troy
1. LOTR


11 Things About You
11. I still dance and sing infront of my old second hand dresser
10. I have flat feet. I compensate by wearing deee-vine shoes!
9. I'm SLO
8. I don't know how to cross the street
7. I don't know how to tie my shoelaces
6. I'm a brat
5. I'm very very sensitive but learned to hide it with a big smile and my trademark by-line : ok lang
4. I'm madaldal but secretive as hell when it comes to talking about myself
3. I'm OC but my room is a mess
2. I'm medyo deaf
1. I'm pikon


8 Favorite Foods/Drinks
8. Cadbury's Fruit and Nut
7. Mediterranean's Grilled Chicken
6. Coke
5. Cafe Breton's Mango Banana Crepe
4. My dad's cooking (sshhh don't tell my mom!)
3. Greenhills Turon
2. Cibo's La Foresta
1. Watermelon and Mango Shake


6 Things That Make Happy
6. Surprises
5. Sunrise and sunsets
4. Notes and love letters
3. shoes and bags!
2. tags and comments in my blog
1. nice photographs

One Greatest Fear in Life

Being alone...