Lemme share w you some of the messages that I got from friends....
From Tin:
When God leads you to the edge of a cliff, trust Him fully and let go because only 1 of 2 things will happen: either He will catch you when you fall or He will teach you to fly.
From Eric:
*Hey We're friends. Who else would look out for you? I know it can be tough but I know you can do it.
* Belle, you're a lot stronger tha you think. I can see that in you. You just need someone to help you discover your strength.
*Take it easy Belle. One step at a time. Don't think too much. You'll get through this. Believe me I know you can. We'll do this together.
From Vianca:
*...keep yourself busy and surround yourself with good old lovin from our girls and I'll catch up. I love you Belle, through happiness and pain, we definitely have each other.
*Your pain will last as long as you wish but it will go away in time, I promise. The girls and I will be here to love you till you're whole again. We know that for a fact bec. we've seen it among us a lot of times. We are suckers for love and God gave us each other for support. We love you, hold on to that thought when your pain seems unbearable and we'll share your load.
*Hi. Just heard mass. Told papa Jesus to help heal our broken hearts and spirits. I think I heard him say na sya na daw bahala syo.
*You will live through this belle, i promise you that. You will always have one of our hands or arms to hold on to in your dark room. You are never alone. And when it comes to a point when its too painful to breathe, I'll breathe for you. You'll live to laugh about this and be proud of your strength.
*We find ourselves reasons to live and for another reason we lose them. One great reason I lost Vic is that I found you my girls. You are the reason I'm still alive and loving again. So one day you will find your north star again until then you have no choice but to live for me, meian, kaje, emer, beng and all of us who loves you. Come here nalang belle while I'm on leave. we'll cry have coffee and long talks together.
*....just ride the tide. You'll have your low, lower and lowest moments but all i can assure you is matatapos din yan. Yourheartache will last as long as you want.
*it's alright to cry sweetie. kaya mo yan. I got your back.
o--------------------o
This trying time, I have found new friends and have bolstered friendship with old ones. That I thank God for and will eternally be grateful for those who picked me up from the floor (literally!) and to those who either gave a pat or a consoling word. Little things mean a lot to me and I remember them. Thank you sooo much :)
Feb 7, 2004
My doctor says that I am insane and I have a couple of months to live...
I was just s'posed to see my mom's old doctor (lahat ng family doctor namin matatanda na. lahat doctor ng doctor ng older relatives ko. my mom doesn't trust young doctors, y'see) sa skin but as she (the skin doctor or derma) was talking to me. asking me why ang dame kong rashe and sugat all over the body, she asked if I'm stressed sa work. So i told her evertyhing na and she spoke to me along with her psychologist daughter who happened to be there. And she told me that with the way I'm "living" now and treating my body, I may be dead in a couple of months or a year daw. Aside from my gastro, the mother and daughter team was sooo nice and understanding. Unlike other doctors!!! They gave me ointment for my skin and meds for my "depression". Hahahahaha....at ang mamahal ng gamot ko. sa I spent a total of 1, 600 sa ointment and meds that they gave me tapos I haven't bought all of my anti-depressant med kse naman pagkamahal mahal 100.25 pesos isa! dyosme! lalo akong maddepress nyan e.
My mamahalin ng gamot is Zoloft. And sabe sa website nila:
Everyone can go through times of feeling down or grieving for a while after having suffered a loss.
But for people with the medical condition called depression, feeling very sad or having no interest in activities can go on for a long time. Sometimes, this happens for no apparent reason to people whose lives are going well:
A life-long tennis player finds she doesn't want to play anymore, and feels restless and unable to concentrate much of the time
A busy young man feels "blue" for weeks, can't sleep, and loses weight even though he is not ill or dieting
And sometimes, depression can be brought on by a major life event:
Months after losing her job, a woman still feels "blah" and has no interest in looking for a new job
A year after her mother's death, a woman still feels sad, and thinks about suicide sometimes
Depression is not a sign of weakness or a character flaw. It is a medical condition.
Signs and Symptoms of Depression:
The term depression refers to:
a persistent sad mood and/or
loss of interest or pleasure in most activities
And is accompanied by some of the following symptoms:
Changes in appetite or weight
Changes in sleep patterns
Restlessness or decreased activity that is noticeable to others
Loss of energy or feeling tired all the time
Difficulty in concentrating or making decisions
Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide
I finally told him na I'm letting him go na. We weren't able to talk about it after I told him kse he had to go na. When I placed the phone down, I felt a heavy burden was lifted from my shoulder but at the same time I wanted to cry. parang isa dam na sasabog na. So, I drank na my "drugs" para makatulog agad. mahirap na. ayoko ng makatulog ng umiiyak ulet.
I managed to get 7 hours of sleep...woooohhhhooooooooo!!! ganun pala ang tulog...sana forever na ito.
finally got The Present from powerbooks. Sana maganda nga and makatulong....hahahaha yes it is a self help book. shucks...nakakahiya...i'm so fucking messed up.
I was just s'posed to see my mom's old doctor (lahat ng family doctor namin matatanda na. lahat doctor ng doctor ng older relatives ko. my mom doesn't trust young doctors, y'see) sa skin but as she (the skin doctor or derma) was talking to me. asking me why ang dame kong rashe and sugat all over the body, she asked if I'm stressed sa work. So i told her evertyhing na and she spoke to me along with her psychologist daughter who happened to be there. And she told me that with the way I'm "living" now and treating my body, I may be dead in a couple of months or a year daw. Aside from my gastro, the mother and daughter team was sooo nice and understanding. Unlike other doctors!!! They gave me ointment for my skin and meds for my "depression". Hahahahaha....at ang mamahal ng gamot ko. sa I spent a total of 1, 600 sa ointment and meds that they gave me tapos I haven't bought all of my anti-depressant med kse naman pagkamahal mahal 100.25 pesos isa! dyosme! lalo akong maddepress nyan e.
My mamahalin ng gamot is Zoloft. And sabe sa website nila:
Everyone can go through times of feeling down or grieving for a while after having suffered a loss.
But for people with the medical condition called depression, feeling very sad or having no interest in activities can go on for a long time. Sometimes, this happens for no apparent reason to people whose lives are going well:
A life-long tennis player finds she doesn't want to play anymore, and feels restless and unable to concentrate much of the time
A busy young man feels "blue" for weeks, can't sleep, and loses weight even though he is not ill or dieting
And sometimes, depression can be brought on by a major life event:
Months after losing her job, a woman still feels "blah" and has no interest in looking for a new job
A year after her mother's death, a woman still feels sad, and thinks about suicide sometimes
Depression is not a sign of weakness or a character flaw. It is a medical condition.
Signs and Symptoms of Depression:
The term depression refers to:
a persistent sad mood and/or
loss of interest or pleasure in most activities
And is accompanied by some of the following symptoms:
Changes in appetite or weight
Changes in sleep patterns
Restlessness or decreased activity that is noticeable to others
Loss of energy or feeling tired all the time
Difficulty in concentrating or making decisions
Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide
I finally told him na I'm letting him go na. We weren't able to talk about it after I told him kse he had to go na. When I placed the phone down, I felt a heavy burden was lifted from my shoulder but at the same time I wanted to cry. parang isa dam na sasabog na. So, I drank na my "drugs" para makatulog agad. mahirap na. ayoko ng makatulog ng umiiyak ulet.
I managed to get 7 hours of sleep...woooohhhhooooooooo!!! ganun pala ang tulog...sana forever na ito.
finally got The Present from powerbooks. Sana maganda nga and makatulong....hahahaha yes it is a self help book. shucks...nakakahiya...i'm so fucking messed up.
Feb 4, 2004
BATTERED HEART
My heart, please stop beating
For once, please stop feeling
You've been hurt so many times before
But still you keep on askin for more
What is it you want? What is it you're looking for?
What is it you want to feel? My heart would always implore
All the time you know that they love another and not you
Why is it you try to keep on pushing until you're all black and blue
Beaten by love that were not meant to be
Why is it that this is so hard for you to see
Do you find pleasure by so doing?
Seeing defeat right through the center of your being?
Can you stop for once and start feeling less
Please, my heart, stop and give your self a rest
Just got back from my nightly ritual of going to the park. it's near the office lang but i heard that it's not that safe. well, bahala na si Lord. i go there every night. to talk to God. to myself. to cry (which is most of the time) and to just be quiet. I've been doing a lot of that lately. But tonight, I prayed to God to give me strength. I'm letting him go. This is on of the most difficult decisions that I have made. To finally face up to the truth and let go of him is like asking me to stop breathing. Yes, that is the sad and harsh comparison. I prayed to God to give me strength and courage to make it through. I surrendered ti him all of my tears, pains, worries, jealousies, heartaches and my love for him. Bahala na si Lord sa akin. One habit that I've formed is that whenever I feel jealous, hurt or scared I say the hail mary over and over and over again until such time the hurt or the pain ceases and it works. So as I write this painful entry, in my mind I am saying the hail mary because the pain is almost unbearable. Lord, ikaw na bahala sa akin.
I am sick. My health is failing. My mom terms it as "parang kandilang nauupos". I can't eat. I try to pero konti lang tlaga. Isang platito na nga lang kinakain ko di ko pa maubos and whatever I food that I am able to eat, my body expels it din naman. So somekinda bulimic na ito. I can't sleep. Eve if my body is so tired na di pa din ako makatulog. Sleeping pills doesn't work na for me. Maximum would be 4-5 hours na of sleep pero most of the time I only get 3 hours of sleep lang. No matter how hard I try to go back sleeping, ayaw pa din. I am always lethargic. wala akong gana sa kahit ano. even talking to people takes a lot of energy for me. nakaka drain agad. i have no more energy. my moods are like a cycle. one minute masaya and another i am crying. my friends say na i should see a doctor..to what? for them to tell me na my health is failing. i know that na. what else is new. i don't know what to do anymore. my body is still mourning with my heart. nakikiramay ang katawan ko sa puso ko. rest in peace, heart. rest in peace.
My heart, please stop beating
For once, please stop feeling
You've been hurt so many times before
But still you keep on askin for more
What is it you want? What is it you're looking for?
What is it you want to feel? My heart would always implore
All the time you know that they love another and not you
Why is it you try to keep on pushing until you're all black and blue
Beaten by love that were not meant to be
Why is it that this is so hard for you to see
Do you find pleasure by so doing?
Seeing defeat right through the center of your being?
Can you stop for once and start feeling less
Please, my heart, stop and give your self a rest
Just got back from my nightly ritual of going to the park. it's near the office lang but i heard that it's not that safe. well, bahala na si Lord. i go there every night. to talk to God. to myself. to cry (which is most of the time) and to just be quiet. I've been doing a lot of that lately. But tonight, I prayed to God to give me strength. I'm letting him go. This is on of the most difficult decisions that I have made. To finally face up to the truth and let go of him is like asking me to stop breathing. Yes, that is the sad and harsh comparison. I prayed to God to give me strength and courage to make it through. I surrendered ti him all of my tears, pains, worries, jealousies, heartaches and my love for him. Bahala na si Lord sa akin. One habit that I've formed is that whenever I feel jealous, hurt or scared I say the hail mary over and over and over again until such time the hurt or the pain ceases and it works. So as I write this painful entry, in my mind I am saying the hail mary because the pain is almost unbearable. Lord, ikaw na bahala sa akin.
I am sick. My health is failing. My mom terms it as "parang kandilang nauupos". I can't eat. I try to pero konti lang tlaga. Isang platito na nga lang kinakain ko di ko pa maubos and whatever I food that I am able to eat, my body expels it din naman. So somekinda bulimic na ito. I can't sleep. Eve if my body is so tired na di pa din ako makatulog. Sleeping pills doesn't work na for me. Maximum would be 4-5 hours na of sleep pero most of the time I only get 3 hours of sleep lang. No matter how hard I try to go back sleeping, ayaw pa din. I am always lethargic. wala akong gana sa kahit ano. even talking to people takes a lot of energy for me. nakaka drain agad. i have no more energy. my moods are like a cycle. one minute masaya and another i am crying. my friends say na i should see a doctor..to what? for them to tell me na my health is failing. i know that na. what else is new. i don't know what to do anymore. my body is still mourning with my heart. nakikiramay ang katawan ko sa puso ko. rest in peace, heart. rest in peace.
Jan 31, 2004
back from the dead and i am not happy about it
not all of you know why my last entry was like THAT. Let's just say that it was s'posed to be my last entry.
to everyone who knows, thank you for all your prayers and for the time you lent me to just listen to all my blabbings and endless ramblings. You do not know how much you have helped me go through each moment of this very difficult time. You just saved a damned soul.
I am now trying to pick up the pieces. The pieces that are shattered into a million and one pieces. I do not even know where to start. But here I am trying to pick each minute piece with blood on my fingers and tears in my eyes....
We're friends now...i guess that would suffice for now. We've talked about it several times. Ako yung makulit. It told him not to damn me for being makulit because I'm fighting for us...er..what used to be us, i guess and that If situations were reversed he would have done the same thing. And situations are noew reversed indeed. I feel na ako na yung nanliligaw sa kanya. It's something that I had never done before. But I'm doing it because this is my life that I'm fighting for. I just hope he realizes this-soon. Don't judged me for doing it. Someday, when you find that person you love with all heart and soul and who loved you almost to the point of putting you on a pedestal, you'll know and understand what I'm going through. The world is an awfully big place, y'know. That if you lose sight of the one you love, you might never see them again. So hanging on is what I'm doing.
"The road to nowhere leads to me."
I've been going back to my roots lately. Re-discovering my old habits. So far so good. There are times that I just feel so exhilarated er-at least para may kakampi ako after praying. So that's what I do. If i'm in one of my down moments I pray para I'll forget the hurt. Yes you read it right. I;ve been praying. I was agnostic for the last couple of years but here I am asking for his help when I am in need and there he was accepting me with no qualms...no questions...no judgement..nothing...so baby steps to going back....and this time, as i promised, for good na. Had my first confession in years kanina...shucks...kakahiya i didnt even know how to! but still the priest granted my absolution and gave me penance. I cried during that confession. I cried when I was doing my penance. I cried again when I was in the park doing my daily night visits. I cried when I read my goodbye letter to him. Here is a part of that letter::::
"Know that I loved you like no other. I gave you everything that I had to offer and more. I guess that it wasn't enough for you. I hope that you find that one person that will make you happy forever. I love you and know that I love you still no matter where I am and that i will be watching over you and keeping you from harm. When you suddenly feel a slight wind grazing your face. Know that it was my hand touching your lovely face. If you feel suddenly warm and protected know that its my arms that is wrapped around you...protecting you, keeping you safe and keeping you warm. If you see a shooting star in the heavens, know that it's me giving you the opportunity to talk to me. Giving you the chance to tell me what you want and wish for so that I can ask God if he can give whatever you want and wish for.
Hon, remember the letter that a woman wrote about her husband that was an Engineer? Please remember me by that story.
"When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness. Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form...flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands...
and that's our life..."
I love you my sweetik, my honey. You are the love of my life. YOU are my life.
PS: I left you some things. my last pay and money that I'll get from my clearance, I authorize you to get. You need it, I know.
Tutto a te me guida (everything leads me to you).
Be happy, hon and don't work too much..... (taken out)
I love you. I love you. I wish that I can touch you one more time but I can't...or else I wouldn't be able to get the courage anymore to leave.
Belle
...an ye harm none, do what ye will....
not all of you know why my last entry was like THAT. Let's just say that it was s'posed to be my last entry.
to everyone who knows, thank you for all your prayers and for the time you lent me to just listen to all my blabbings and endless ramblings. You do not know how much you have helped me go through each moment of this very difficult time. You just saved a damned soul.
I am now trying to pick up the pieces. The pieces that are shattered into a million and one pieces. I do not even know where to start. But here I am trying to pick each minute piece with blood on my fingers and tears in my eyes....
We're friends now...i guess that would suffice for now. We've talked about it several times. Ako yung makulit. It told him not to damn me for being makulit because I'm fighting for us...er..what used to be us, i guess and that If situations were reversed he would have done the same thing. And situations are noew reversed indeed. I feel na ako na yung nanliligaw sa kanya. It's something that I had never done before. But I'm doing it because this is my life that I'm fighting for. I just hope he realizes this-soon. Don't judged me for doing it. Someday, when you find that person you love with all heart and soul and who loved you almost to the point of putting you on a pedestal, you'll know and understand what I'm going through. The world is an awfully big place, y'know. That if you lose sight of the one you love, you might never see them again. So hanging on is what I'm doing.
"The road to nowhere leads to me."
I've been going back to my roots lately. Re-discovering my old habits. So far so good. There are times that I just feel so exhilarated er-at least para may kakampi ako after praying. So that's what I do. If i'm in one of my down moments I pray para I'll forget the hurt. Yes you read it right. I;ve been praying. I was agnostic for the last couple of years but here I am asking for his help when I am in need and there he was accepting me with no qualms...no questions...no judgement..nothing...so baby steps to going back....and this time, as i promised, for good na. Had my first confession in years kanina...shucks...kakahiya i didnt even know how to! but still the priest granted my absolution and gave me penance. I cried during that confession. I cried when I was doing my penance. I cried again when I was in the park doing my daily night visits. I cried when I read my goodbye letter to him. Here is a part of that letter::::
"Know that I loved you like no other. I gave you everything that I had to offer and more. I guess that it wasn't enough for you. I hope that you find that one person that will make you happy forever. I love you and know that I love you still no matter where I am and that i will be watching over you and keeping you from harm. When you suddenly feel a slight wind grazing your face. Know that it was my hand touching your lovely face. If you feel suddenly warm and protected know that its my arms that is wrapped around you...protecting you, keeping you safe and keeping you warm. If you see a shooting star in the heavens, know that it's me giving you the opportunity to talk to me. Giving you the chance to tell me what you want and wish for so that I can ask God if he can give whatever you want and wish for.
Hon, remember the letter that a woman wrote about her husband that was an Engineer? Please remember me by that story.
"When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness. Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form...flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands...
and that's our life..."
I love you my sweetik, my honey. You are the love of my life. YOU are my life.
PS: I left you some things. my last pay and money that I'll get from my clearance, I authorize you to get. You need it, I know.
Tutto a te me guida (everything leads me to you).
Be happy, hon and don't work too much..... (taken out)
I love you. I love you. I wish that I can touch you one more time but I can't...or else I wouldn't be able to get the courage anymore to leave.
Belle
...an ye harm none, do what ye will....
Jan 22, 2004
Jan 21, 2004
(you might wanna read this again. today's blog is updated throughout the day)
Never say goodbye when you still want to try...never give up when you still feel you can take it...never say you don't love that person anymore when you can't let go.
its my last day here in the office. supposedly. but my sup is asking me to render ot bukas and also, he doesn't want me to go and file for leave and he doesn't want to receive my resignation letter. no one wants to actually. i told na my mom that i'll be resigning and she asked why. i dare not tell her why. she likes him. a lot. the first time ata na she likes a boyfriend of mine. even my dad likes him! my dad. imagine that?!?!?! my dear protective father actually likes the guy i'm with. my mom asks if i've made up my mind na and i answered, not yet. she says that if i have then it's time for me to go home na. home is in the states. well i dunno. honestly, i have other plans of my own. no, not another job. i'm gonna enjoy bumhood muna. we'll see what the fates has in store for us before i make any final decisions. but for now i'm saying goodbye to everyone. I might not have the chance to anymore. Everyone, I know it's kinda cheesy cheesy but goodbye to everyone for now. May you all have a good life. May God bless you with a long and blissful life and to continue loving till your very last breath. Blessed be!
By: Gabriel Garcia Marquez
If for an instant God were to forget that I’s a rag doll and gifted me a piece of life, I probably wouldn’t say all that I think, but rather I would think of all that I say.
I would value things, not for their worth but for what they mean.
I would sleep little, dream more, Understanding that for each minute we close our eyes, we lose sixty seconds of light.
I would walk when others hold back, I would wake when others sleep I would listen when others talk, and how would I enjoy a chocolate ice cream!
If God were to give me a piece of life, I would dress simply.
Throw myself face first into the sun, baring not only body but also my soul.
My God if I had a heart, I would write my hate on ice, and wait for the sun to show.
Over the stars of a Van Gogh dream I would paint a Bendetti poem,
And a serrat song would be the serenade I’d offer to the moon.
With tears, I would water roses, to feel the pain of their thorns, and the red kiss of their petals.
My God, if I had a piece of life,
I wouldn’t let a single day pass without telling the people I love that I love them.
I would convince each woman and man that they are my favorites, and I would live in Love with Love
I would show men how very wrong they are to think that they cease to be in love when they grow old, not knowing that they grow old when they cease to be in love!
To a child, I shall give him wings, but I shall let him learn to fly on his own.
I would teach the old that death does not come with old age, but with forgetting.
So much have I learned from you…
I have learned that everyone wants to live on the peak of the mountain, without knowing that real happiness is how it is scaled.
I have learned that when newborn child squeezes his father’s finger for the first time with his tiny fist, he has him trapped forever.
I have learned that a man has the right to look down on another only when he has to help the other to get on his feet.
From you I have learned so many things,
But in truth they won’t be of much use,
For if I keep them within this suitcase, unhappily I shall die.
Never say goodbye when you still want to try...never give up when you still feel you can take it...never say you don't love that person anymore when you can't let go.
its my last day here in the office. supposedly. but my sup is asking me to render ot bukas and also, he doesn't want me to go and file for leave and he doesn't want to receive my resignation letter. no one wants to actually. i told na my mom that i'll be resigning and she asked why. i dare not tell her why. she likes him. a lot. the first time ata na she likes a boyfriend of mine. even my dad likes him! my dad. imagine that?!?!?! my dear protective father actually likes the guy i'm with. my mom asks if i've made up my mind na and i answered, not yet. she says that if i have then it's time for me to go home na. home is in the states. well i dunno. honestly, i have other plans of my own. no, not another job. i'm gonna enjoy bumhood muna. we'll see what the fates has in store for us before i make any final decisions. but for now i'm saying goodbye to everyone. I might not have the chance to anymore. Everyone, I know it's kinda cheesy cheesy but goodbye to everyone for now. May you all have a good life. May God bless you with a long and blissful life and to continue loving till your very last breath. Blessed be!
By: Gabriel Garcia Marquez
If for an instant God were to forget that I’s a rag doll and gifted me a piece of life, I probably wouldn’t say all that I think, but rather I would think of all that I say.
I would value things, not for their worth but for what they mean.
I would sleep little, dream more, Understanding that for each minute we close our eyes, we lose sixty seconds of light.
I would walk when others hold back, I would wake when others sleep I would listen when others talk, and how would I enjoy a chocolate ice cream!
If God were to give me a piece of life, I would dress simply.
Throw myself face first into the sun, baring not only body but also my soul.
My God if I had a heart, I would write my hate on ice, and wait for the sun to show.
Over the stars of a Van Gogh dream I would paint a Bendetti poem,
And a serrat song would be the serenade I’d offer to the moon.
With tears, I would water roses, to feel the pain of their thorns, and the red kiss of their petals.
My God, if I had a piece of life,
I wouldn’t let a single day pass without telling the people I love that I love them.
I would convince each woman and man that they are my favorites, and I would live in Love with Love
I would show men how very wrong they are to think that they cease to be in love when they grow old, not knowing that they grow old when they cease to be in love!
To a child, I shall give him wings, but I shall let him learn to fly on his own.
I would teach the old that death does not come with old age, but with forgetting.
So much have I learned from you…
I have learned that everyone wants to live on the peak of the mountain, without knowing that real happiness is how it is scaled.
I have learned that when newborn child squeezes his father’s finger for the first time with his tiny fist, he has him trapped forever.
I have learned that a man has the right to look down on another only when he has to help the other to get on his feet.
From you I have learned so many things,
But in truth they won’t be of much use,
For if I keep them within this suitcase, unhappily I shall die.
Jan 20, 2004
Going through some of my old stuff I found one poem that I composed a long time ago...now i guess it doesn't apply to me anymore. God was that cruel. And from the looks of it God is in his god- be-cruel spree. Shit. I Shouldn't say those things. Sya nalang ang pag asa ko. For some reason, after we spoke early this morning, i fell asleep, as usual, crying but on top of that I was crying to God. I was actually praying. The last time I prayed was when I though something bad was gonna happen to Aids. I prayed to him to let him give me a chance. When I woke up I prayed again. Im prayed hard-very hard. I know that in a way it was my fault and I was gonna try my darnest to make it up to him. That was around 5am. I woke up 730am. kumpleto nanaman ako sa tulog. My mom wanted me to attend a wedding of my cousin. HELLLOOOOOWWWWWW ano ako bale? ano ako masokista? Medyo lang siguro.
Went to the office early. The house was so depressing for me. I saw his pictures everywhere and I needed to see other people to keep myself from thinking. Mahirap na at baka mabaliw ako.
Talked to Jon. Well....i dunno sana di pa 70 or 60% na papunta na dun. Sana please no. But I'm preparing myself na din for whatever happens. Preparing for the worst. This time Jon I hope you're wrong. It's hoping against hope, I know but when you love someone you gotta hang on.
This morning when we talked, against my better judgement, I bared my soul to him. I bared my soul and lost it. I gambled and I lost. Bigtime. I wore my shattered heart on my sleeve. Like a kid who knows no better. You may say that what I did was wrong. I know. It was stupid of me. Wala na kong tinira sa sarili ko. Stupid stupid. But I felt that I just had to do it. This was the first time (and I'm guessing the last) that I would do that. I never tried to hang on to a relationship before. I never wanted to because of pride. And now that I did it, sana pala di nalang kse wala din pala. But at least I did. At least I'll never wonder to myself what would've happened if I did try to. At least I know the answer. It wasn't something that I wanted but I had my answer..for now.
You stop
and you hold your breath
and you think
you think so hard
hard, I tell you
to the point of wracking your brains out
of draining it to its
very last embers
then again you stop
you straighten your back
and you hold your head up
so high you're almost praying
and deep inside you are
then for one long minute
you take a very deep breath
as if it was your last
then you exhale
and now you know
and you know it
with all your heart
that finally
God had looked down
from his lofty chair
that God
fianlly had
mercy upon you
that you had finally found
someone to love
and who you know love
till his last breath
and you stop and you smile.
Went to the office early. The house was so depressing for me. I saw his pictures everywhere and I needed to see other people to keep myself from thinking. Mahirap na at baka mabaliw ako.
Talked to Jon. Well....i dunno sana di pa 70 or 60% na papunta na dun. Sana please no. But I'm preparing myself na din for whatever happens. Preparing for the worst. This time Jon I hope you're wrong. It's hoping against hope, I know but when you love someone you gotta hang on.
This morning when we talked, against my better judgement, I bared my soul to him. I bared my soul and lost it. I gambled and I lost. Bigtime. I wore my shattered heart on my sleeve. Like a kid who knows no better. You may say that what I did was wrong. I know. It was stupid of me. Wala na kong tinira sa sarili ko. Stupid stupid. But I felt that I just had to do it. This was the first time (and I'm guessing the last) that I would do that. I never tried to hang on to a relationship before. I never wanted to because of pride. And now that I did it, sana pala di nalang kse wala din pala. But at least I did. At least I'll never wonder to myself what would've happened if I did try to. At least I know the answer. It wasn't something that I wanted but I had my answer..for now.
You stop
and you hold your breath
and you think
you think so hard
hard, I tell you
to the point of wracking your brains out
of draining it to its
very last embers
then again you stop
you straighten your back
and you hold your head up
so high you're almost praying
and deep inside you are
then for one long minute
you take a very deep breath
as if it was your last
then you exhale
and now you know
and you know it
with all your heart
that finally
God had looked down
from his lofty chair
that God
fianlly had
mercy upon you
that you had finally found
someone to love
and who you know love
till his last breath
and you stop and you smile.
Jan 19, 2004
It was said that if you get at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. I tied the knot and tried to hold on but the rope gave up on me and broke.
Last night, after work, I bought a pack of cig. smoked a few in front of Philam while trying to text my friends asking where they were and could they meet up with me. I hopelessly needed a friend last night and today and tomorrow and the next and the next...but alas..i was destined, as always, to be alone. Walked home last night-well halfway actually. From Philam I walked till Makati Ave till I got scared of the people around me and took a cab nalang. The walk did me good-helped me think. I slept around 5am na ata. Sa sobrang pagod sa kakaiyak nakatulog nalang ako. Woke up around 10am. Still no text or call from him. Tried to be brave and called. Got hold of him finally. After days of trying I finally found him. talked on the cell for almost 2 hours (patay nanaman ako sa phone bill ko!)....I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I don't want to even try because I know that if I do I'll just cry.
Last night, after work, I bought a pack of cig. smoked a few in front of Philam while trying to text my friends asking where they were and could they meet up with me. I hopelessly needed a friend last night and today and tomorrow and the next and the next...but alas..i was destined, as always, to be alone. Walked home last night-well halfway actually. From Philam I walked till Makati Ave till I got scared of the people around me and took a cab nalang. The walk did me good-helped me think. I slept around 5am na ata. Sa sobrang pagod sa kakaiyak nakatulog nalang ako. Woke up around 10am. Still no text or call from him. Tried to be brave and called. Got hold of him finally. After days of trying I finally found him. talked on the cell for almost 2 hours (patay nanaman ako sa phone bill ko!)....I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I don't want to even try because I know that if I do I'll just cry.
Jan 18, 2004
To see and feel your face today..right this very minute would be happiness
To feel the warmth of your arms around me as if shielding me from the loneliness that envelopes me and protecting from all the pain and heartaches
To hear you whisper in my ear that things will be all right would be heaven...
To feel the warmth of your arms around me as if shielding me from the loneliness that envelopes me and protecting from all the pain and heartaches
To hear you whisper in my ear that things will be all right would be heaven...
The Scorpion Moment...
There was this Hindu who saw a scorpion floundering around in the water. He decided to save it by stretching out his finger, but the scorpion stung him. The man still tried to get the scorpion out of the water, but the scorpion stung him again. A man nearby told him to stop saving the scorpion that kept stinging him. But the Hindu said: "It is the nature of the scorpion to sting. It is my nature to love. Why should I give up my nature to love just because it is the nature of the scorpion to sting?"
Don't give up loving.
Don't give up your goodness.
Even if people around you sting.
***How many stings can one endure till you say enough?***
There was this Hindu who saw a scorpion floundering around in the water. He decided to save it by stretching out his finger, but the scorpion stung him. The man still tried to get the scorpion out of the water, but the scorpion stung him again. A man nearby told him to stop saving the scorpion that kept stinging him. But the Hindu said: "It is the nature of the scorpion to sting. It is my nature to love. Why should I give up my nature to love just because it is the nature of the scorpion to sting?"
Don't give up loving.
Don't give up your goodness.
Even if people around you sting.
***How many stings can one endure till you say enough?***
quite a boring day at work (di pa ba obvious sa dame ng quizzes)...dame e-mails but I kinda tamad to work since its the start of the shift palang and I'm a bit sleep din coz I barely was able to sleep last night or this morning when I got home. Stayed awake till 6am. Managed to sleep 630am. Woke up around 8am to my mom's blaring sunday morning sounds. Would you believe that I actually shouted at stomped like a brat. Putcha ikaw ba naman magising sa "....who owns that doggie in the window..arf arf.." I transferred to my parent's room para mas malamig and quite and managed to sleep till 1130. Tama na daw yun sabe ni God. Nakapagpahinga na daw ako. Mom and stupid dog went to the province coz it was my lolo's birthday. So alone I was for the first time in months sa house when Eric texted asking where I was. He made tambay sa house until it was time for us to pick up Oman from SGV and drop me off sa work na din. As usual, they made all the drama about me not spending time anymore with them etc etc etc...We were s'posed to go to Nick's house for his despedida kasi.
Last night, spent my lunch with Oman and Fred eating Siomai. For an hour I forgot all my worries and aches.
Last night, spent my lunch with Oman and Fred eating Siomai. For an hour I forgot all my worries and aches.
You are hereby invited!!!!
You are going to Marry Josh Hartnett. He is really
shy, but don't let that fool you. He is really
outgoing and sweet with those he loves and will
be loyal to them for the rest of his life.
Congrats!!
Which male celebrity are you going to marry? (10 results that have pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla
You are going to Marry Josh Hartnett. He is really
shy, but don't let that fool you. He is really
outgoing and sweet with those he loves and will
be loyal to them for the rest of his life.
Congrats!!
Which male celebrity are you going to marry? (10 results that have pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla
a second result:
A Tonic Reprise
What is your post-breakup Pinoy Rock song?
brought to you by Quizilla
A Tonic Reprise
What is your post-breakup Pinoy Rock song?
brought to you by Quizilla
I'm grasping at straws but no one would want to put out a hand for me.... it's a lonely...lonely life for me and I'm destined to see it through the bitter end alone...
“Let us not forget, how our hearts felt when they were broken; so that we will be kind when it’s our turn to inevitably break some hearts ourselves.”
“Let us not forget, how our hearts felt when they were broken; so that we will be kind when it’s our turn to inevitably break some hearts ourselves.”
This was sent to me...
My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.
Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.
I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband, is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love. One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.
"Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered. He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times.
My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him? And finally he asked me:" What can I do to change your mind?"
Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.
Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered : "Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?"
He said :" I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.
I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....
My dear,
"I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further.."
This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.
"When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to saved my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.
You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.
You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way.
You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.
You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.
You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails,and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand... and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face...
Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die.. "
My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting... and as I continue on reading...
"Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your
favorite bread and fresh milk...
I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....
Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...
That's life, and love.
When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness. Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form...flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands...
and that's our life...
Love, not words win arguments...
My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.
Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.
I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband, is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love. One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.
"Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered. He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times.
My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him? And finally he asked me:" What can I do to change your mind?"
Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.
Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered : "Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?"
He said :" I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.
I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....
My dear,
"I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further.."
This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.
"When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to saved my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.
You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.
You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way.
You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.
You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.
You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails,and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand... and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face...
Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die.. "
My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting... and as I continue on reading...
"Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your
favorite bread and fresh milk...
I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....
Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...
That's life, and love.
When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness. Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form...flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands...
and that's our life...
Love, not words win arguments...
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