ONCE IN A LIFETIME

Once in my life I have the chance to find
once in my life I have the chance to find

Once in a lifetime
I have the chance to find the key to my dreams
and I know, that it's so good for me

Once in a lifetime
I have the chance to find the key to my dreams
and I know, that it's so good for me

In the beginning trouble times in my life
I needed a shoulder to cry on had no direction until i met you
everything is gonna be all right looking out beyond the stars
searching always wishing often i thought that love would escape me
you got the key babe

Once in a lifetime
I have the chance
to find the key to my dreams
and I know, that it's so good for me

Once in a lifetime
I have the chance
to find the key to my dreams
and I know, that it's so good for me

I was lost couldn't find my way
you took my hand and chased my blues away
your inspiration is guiding me through
I'm feeling brand new
memories of days gone by
hurting always hurting
you've taken my pain away finally
you set me free babe

Once in a lifetime
i have the chance
to find the key to my dreams
and I know, that it's so good for me

Once in a lifetime
I have the chance
to find the key to my dreams
and I know, that it's so good for me

"The saddest thing in life, is caring so much for someone and then one day you look into their eyes
and listen to them talk and realize that they are gone. All you see in front of you is a stranger with just a known name."

another lonely day...to borrow a cheesy status from one of my Ym friends "when will the hurting stop". Cheesy but true. Corny but true.

It's not trying to live everyday as if it was your last but it feels more of trying to live everyday hoping it's the last. Falling asleep crying every night (especially the last couple of days) doesn't help. Everyday my body feels drained and tired to the point that I pray that sana it's my last day na. When will the hurting stop.

In Friendster, someone sent me a message and added me as a friend. WHO? The profile: Perfect couples. Sige I-add para dumami ang friendsters natin. Nakakatawa lang considering the current situation. Eto yung message:

From: Perfect Couples
Date: January 13, 2004 3:22 AM
Subject: hi there!

Message: i've chosen you to become part of the club! add
me up perfect_couple@most-wanted.com

thanks! :)


Meian, much to my better judgement I'm posting a pic of liha. di kita yung yucky face nya pero she's still there



[
Me and my favorite brother kupsie!



Trying to be bad::::::


Finally together (L-R) Tito Mandy, My dad (the eldest), Tito Rey, Tito Allan and Tito Noli

My cousin Karen and sister. posing posing

what I need right now are your prayers. do not ask why but i need them. Agnostic, unbelieving me needs all the prayers right now.

"Lord, help me walk another mile, just one more mile. I'm tired of walkin' all alone. Lord, help me smile another smile, just one more smile. I know I just can't make it on my own. I never thought I needed help before. I thought that I could do things by myself. Now I know I just can't take it any more. With a humble heart, on bended knee. I'm beggin' you, please, for help." Johnny Cash

i've been thinking a lot about resigning lately...it's this goddamn company! Well, maybe I should I have a lot of options naman e and frankly speaking money is not a problem. i can stay home and take care of the business that my parents left and at the same time take care of the house na din. Another would be to go back to school. If i go back to school naman may options ulet. It's either I take a(n) MA in Education or to continue law (this will make my dear father the happiest man or earth). Not so many people know that I took up 2 courses in College. First is Political Science and second is Seconday Education Major in English. I'm also thinking of learning another language. I already can understanf Spanish although I cannot speak it. Thanks to my lola maybe I should, this time, learn how to speak Spanish or maybe Chines since this is a language needed in the business world. duh-see-syons duh-see-syons

whew! back to reality after 4 days of rest day...if you can call it resting. natapos na din yung wedding ni stupid dog. whew! good thing my mom was there to fix everything all in 3 weeks! it was a nice and organized wedding save for some glitches. 2 didn't people who were part of the entourage didn't bother to show up or at least send word that they wouldn't be able to attend. some guests of liha wore jeans! sabe nga sa invitation FORMAL e.

i walked down the aisle twice! was that a sign? a good one or a bad one? am I destined to be a bridesmaid forever and never to be the bride or was it a precursor of things to come...


AM: Belinda
I WANT: to be happy and content
I HAVE: almost everything i'd dreamed off ((:
I WISH: peace In my heart and and for everyone else
I HATE: myself
I MISS: Adrian
I FEAR: loneliness
I HEAR: music of Anton
I SEARCH: to find my inner self
I WONDER: what i did to deserve this
I REGRET: falling in love with you.
I LOVE: everyone.
I ACHE: in my heart.
I ALWAYS: dream
I AM NOT: who you think iam.
I DANCE: whenever i feel like.
I SING: anytime i want.
I CRY: when i am hurt.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: a bitch.
I WRITE: in my journal.
I LOSE: myself in you.
I CONFUSE: myself
I NEED: you :(
I SHOULD: try to forget you

I've never sought success in order to get fame and money; it's the talent and the passion that count in success.
- Ingrid Bergman

ssshhhhh.....

topics of yms and call on the cell have turned into somekindasorta wedding ideas talk....yes you guys read it right....HALA!




1.
braveheart0731: hon...kahit matagal pa yung wedding natin, m really looking forward to it
braveheart0731:
hundun1124: baket?
braveheart0731: kase we can settle down na
braveheart0731: and have our own family
braveheart0731: and grow old together
braveheart0731: w/ my baby dona
hundun1124: ok na sana kaso may ksama pang hirit e


2.
braveheart0731: so do you want to be a june bride?
hundun1124: sabe ko unahan nalang tayo
hundun1124: huh?
braveheart0731: what month do you want to get married?
hundun1124: january sana kaso stupid dog got it e
hundun1124: gusto ko yung malamig na maaraw ang weather e
braveheart0731: e di feb
hundun1124: e ikaw?
hundun1124: when mo gusto
braveheart0731: kahit ano...m not particular w/ dates naman e
hundun1124: ayoko ng feb
braveheart0731: kelan gusto mo?
hundun1124: di ko alam e

plans plans plans. question is are we ready??? Can we stay together? Do we even have enough money to pay for everything? Shiyeeeettttttt.......madugo ito.....mamalimos muna kaya ako or tumayo sa kanto? I'm accepting monetary donations! hahahaha buhay tlaga...lahat nalang mahirap kse kulang sa money.


here's one pic that I took in Cebu (galing sa phone and not from the not so reliable and so yesterday camera)



Sa Krua Thai to. halos ata lahat ng resto sa cebu mahilig mag shape shape ng kanin nila..HEART!



My lolo. He's so thin na. Kawawa naman. He wasn't THAT thin before. Mapayat sya yes but he was malakas and he smokes a lot pa before. E now parang sickly sickly na sya.

Lord, sana matagal pa


FOR SALE


For anyone who is interested, I'm selling my brother. This is not Stupuid Dog. This is my other brother. I call him kupsie but he's the brother that I love yun nga lang kups.

Eto ay pepe ng manok..ang poor manok that we ate nung new year sa office...

yay! may kasama na ko sa afternoon shift..back from their holiday break..time for me to be tamad.

I asked my mom to make kwento what happened last night at their dinner with "liha's" family. I was right the girl has absolutely no breeding. Of course, san naman nya kse makukuha yun e, as it turns out, even her parents are zero in that category.

It was s'posed to be a dinner thingie but the when my parents, who travelled for an hour and a half, got there, all they laid out was pizza and pancit. Are they on diet? They should have said na merienda lang pala para may family could've eaten muna.

The father of "liha" said "bubunot pa ba kme sa kasal?" Which means that, do they need to pay anything. Du-uh!?!?!?! Didja have to ask that? We paid for everything. If thay guy had the delicadeza, he could have offered long before pa. Tapos na po ang bayaran. Pupunta nalang kayo at kakain.

They commented several times that they were mayaman just because they lived in a village. I even have not heard of that godforsaken village and from what I heard the place was like the projects. A government made village made for goverment employees. So lahat na pala ng asa gobyerno mayayaman. They couldn't even pay their damned electricity bill tapos mayaman na sila? Huwaw!

The mom of "liha" asked several times why my sister looked different. For those who know the story, they would know why I am sensitive about this topic. The mom kept on asking and insisted why she looked different from us even if my mom answered na her questions and the topic had changed na. She was trying to point out, in front of my sister, that she was adopted. How rude can one get. What was she trying to pull.

That was the last straw. I called stupid dog and told him that I will talk to him tonight and he has to wait for me. He asked if pwede bukas nalang daw and I told him in no uncertain terms no. Now, I felt bad for not going to that "dinner". I would have given that chimpanzee a piece of my mind or maybe my hand.

Was supposed to be on a whole day VL today but since I didn't want to go to that blasted dinner my parents wanted me to go to I lied and said na half day VL lang ako. Didn't want to go to the house of Rose a.k.a Liha ( stupid dog's girlfriend and would be wife come Jan 10th) I call her liha kse mukha pang liha yung mukha nya bwahahahaha. I don't like her. Aside from the fact that she's panget and looks oh so squattery (yes yes i know i'm making lait again...).

she has the manners and breeding of a buffoon. whenever she goes to our house she does not even know to greet the people in the house even a simple hello or wave to acknowledge their presence. she worked in several insurance companies (3 or 4, I think) and sa lahat na yun pinakuha nya si stupsy ng insurance sa kanila.

There had been several incidents when she texted and called a number of my kamag anaks to ask where my brother was and would also broadcast to the whole wide world about their personal problems. Our family is a very close knit, conservative and secretive family when it comes to family problems. We do not wash our dirt laundry in public. We were brought up in such a way that my problem is my problem alone or our family's problem is our family's problem alone and does not have to be made kwento to a relative (tita or tito). her own upbringing, we think, was the total opposite. i berated my brother to shut her up or I will because nakakahiya na and I do not know what to answer my aunts and uncles anymore whenever they ask me what is happening with stupsy. The men in my dad's side of the family are also known philanderers. That's why, as my mom explained to her, when she confided their personal problems to my cousins, tito and titas (my dad's siblings) and to me, we never lifted a finger nor made any move to help her. As my mom said: "pagtatawanan ka lang nung mga yun". My dad's family are also very protective of their own. No matter what their own kin had done yun pa din ang kakampihan nila.

a recent incident: my mom suddenly berated for using our landline to call long distance (mga 500-600 worth of calls)-more of landline to cellphone calls. I explained to her why I should I do that when I have my own cellphone which would be cheaper if I use it to call another cell. To make a long story short, it was liha who used MY NAME (not hers take note) to call stupid dog on his cell. How unethical can she be. She uses our phone without permission to call "long distance" tapos she had the nerve pa to use my name and until now I didn't even get an apology from her!?!?!?!?!?!

I'm actually steaming with anger as I write this. Even if some of those incidents happened a couple of months ago pa. Well, on my part, that's how I am. I hold grudges. i burn bridges. Just like my dad. I am indeed my father's daughter.

For those who are married and those who are soon to be...

Thought I could share this discourse of E. Calasanzin the hopes that you too will gain much from his thoughts.
As an aside, Eduardo Calasanz was a student at the Ateneo de Manila University, Philippines, where he had Father Ferriols as professor. Father Ferriols, meanwhile at that time, was the Philosophy department head. Currently he still teaches Philosophy for graduating
college students in Ateneo. Father Ferriols has been very popular for his mind-opening and enriching classes but was also notorious for the
grades he gives. Still people took his classes for the learning and deep insight they take home with them every day (if only they could do something about the grades....). Anyway, come grade giving time, (Ateneo has letter grading systems the highest being an A lowest a D, with F for flunk), Fr Ferriols had this long discussion with the registrar people because he wanted to give Calasanzan A+. Either that or he
doesn't teach at all... Calasanz got his A+.


Partners and Marriage
EDUARDO JOSE E. CALASANZ


I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved.
But I have seldom met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives. When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just
because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering days and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate. And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and
tolerant of each other's foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the others habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay
together, much less love each other? The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important
to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages. Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by
which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it
keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together. The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept up into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality. This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you
need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each
others company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common
serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can
become based on being critical together. After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other
endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you cant accept, you will
inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other. Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and
the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance does not become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood. There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you
live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From
there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates. So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word. There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to believe. Marriage is a transformation
we choose to make. Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger. It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love
could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter. But
there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presences, two separate consciousness come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one. There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to
the richness that it alone contains. But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that
two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriagecommitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex.

So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom.

Still alone at work. Iniwan nalang ako lahat ng ksama ko and went on a 1/ 2 week leave. Saya nila no??? They hoarded all the leave allocations. Hmph.

Went home to my dad's hometown. Got to see my relatives after almost a year ata e! My 2 lolos are both weak na. Lolo daddy can't hear that well anymore. Can't stand without help and can't eat by himself na din. He hardly recognizes me too. My lolo tatay (my dad's father) still recognizes me and just was able to walk and stand, albeit slowly, a couple of days ago. He's hearing hsa deteriorated, too. He is still able recognize me (napagsabihan pa nga ko na di ako lagi umuuwi e...hehehehe)and talks to me in kapampangan as he has always done. I don't wanna be so morbid and pessimistic but I think my lolo tatay is in his final years na. He's 93 years old what do you expect. When I last saw him he was so strong and wasn't a bit sickly. His health just deteriorated during the 2nd half of the year. Baka next rotation I'll get weekends off para I can go home pag sunday to visit my lolo dear.

I filed for my first unplanned PTO for the year 2004 yesterday. What a way to start the year. Sa sunday I'll file again. Minsan lang ako magkaroon ng pamilya. Lulubos lubusin ko na

It's New Year's eve and I'm here in the office :/ I've been spending my Christmases and New Years' and all the holidays (kahit na coup de'etat pa) in the office for the past couple of years. By choice if you may wonder. That is because I like going to the office on such days. Aside from the big money ($$$$$), there is also no reason for me to stay in the house since my family except for stupid dog are all in the states. But now that they're all here I kinda wanted to stay sa house for this new year-at least but I guess its not meant to be tlaga at wla akong mahanap na ka-swap and wala na din VL allocation. bummer! Both for the 31st and the 1st :( Thinking of taking my first unplanned pTO for the year since it's been such a long time since I've been with my family and my lolo who I heard can't walk na daw.

Blessed Be Everyone!!!

My Dear dad and brother arrived this morning!!! Got to sleep around 4am then around 730pm woke up because my kuosy brother jumped on top of me. I think I almost broke my back. So now I'm sleepy sleepy sleeeeeeeeepppppyyyyyy.......zz.zz.z.z.z.z.z....

My dad got me a nice -very nice Digicam $300 daw :) The pics below are the front and back sides of my new kewl DC. For more information about it visit this site






When my dad gave it pa to me sinabi nya pa " for my favorite" and kaya when my mom heard it selos agad sya at binida nanaman si Stupid Dog ..ha! corny shoes lang nakuha nya-white shoes at that....bwahahahaha...i'm so sama tlaga pero even if he's by brother (*choke *choke* choke*) I don't feel guilty. Kse naman e -kups sya. as in! My lola gave me din another bag-DG bag ....happy happy new year na tlaga..but of course I'm happy (despite of my mom's nagging and ever present mood swings) coz my whole family is here YEY!

I noticed that I've recently been very interested with websites, html, hi tech phones and other hi-tech stuff...am I becoming a computer or techie geek?

Saw my "cousins" Meian, Beng, kaje and Emer yesterday...it's been awhile the last time we saw each other kse always busy always busy. Can't talk much about what happened at mahirap na (I learn from Meian's experience). shiyet. ang hirap magkwento when you know you can't make kwento.

Here is where I plan to get married. The second choice is in St. James Alabang. A bit freaky maybe but I'm one of those girls who has a secret wedding (not so secret anymore) notebook where I list all the things that I want fior my future wedding...the actual date and groom nalang tlaga :) hehehehe

opened my blog today and I couldn't see my blog pics...what's wrong??? Deleted my cookies but its still the same...nuninununu..patience my dearie....


saw the pics from my Cebu trip....bummer just one pic of me in Cebu INSIDE THE HOTEL....whadda#($&$&#$????? Told Adrian that it means that I have to go back to Cebu hihihihihi...(hint hint) sayang the pics that we took...of the humongous Fernan Bridge, TOP, Fort SanPedro (I've kwento later about this), Magellan's Cross, superb views of the clouds and and the islands from the airplane (where I saw Island Cove (the only place that I could really name) and of adrian sleeping..the guy who always sleeps-ALWAYS. Sayang the pics tlaga... :(

Now to my Fort San Pedro kwento. Think Intramuros but in a smaller scale. There's this nook where a wishing well was erected. That was the first thing that we saw when we got in (entrance fee 15 pesos/person). There was a board at the back of the well (which was very deep when I looked) and painted on that board was the picture of the devil. Being a "supernatural magnet", the area gave me the creeps immediately and Adrian noticed it that's why he asked me to get out of the area immediately. So off we went to another part of the fort, we were about to use one of the mossy staircases when I saw the wishing well again. This time I had a top view. Being the wierdo that I am, couldn't resist to take a picture of the creepy well. Got my camera and just when I was about to take a picture, a creepy looking hand shot up from the lower left part of the camera screen. I shouted at Adrian to take out his fingers although I already was thinking that it was not his fingers since it was long and leafy like (jagged at the the tip). We didn't look at the other nooks and doors of the place since we were both scared shit already. Good thing there wasn't much to see. But lesson learned: NEVER GO TO OLD HISTORICAL PLACES WHERE OLD SOULS ROAM. Geez when will I ever learn. When will this "thing" ever stop from functioning???? I really hate being a "supernatural magnet". I hate seeing souls and talking to them...why should I care about their problems when I can't even solve mine?

poopers!!!!! Adrian just told me that some of the pics that we took in Cebu didn't turn out well. ^#*#$&$^$ Can't wait for my dear father to get home coz he says that he just bought me an IO pentaz (digicam) woohooo! Sana nga lang di stir tatay ko da ba!

uh-oh it's almost 830pm gotta finish my food..blog later

I'm back...I've been trying to add a picture and I'm trying out a suggestion made by a friend of mine and see if it'll work



This is Adrian my boyfriend...he says that he's panget in this pic but I say otherwise..he's my gay-granny magnet better half...he always get invites and whatever messages in his Friendster account hihihi


yey! it worked ....yipeeeeee...now to just fien tune some of the images I placed on the side at medyo big ito....

Midnight - You are a deep thinker, always searching
for answers and never quite at home. You are
very contemplative, and enjoy being alone with
your thoughts.


When are you?
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