Should I go or should I stay...

I've been offered a position in Cebu and its an immediate posting as today sinabi bukas na aalis....huwaaatttt!!!!

decisions...decisions...

Alas, there were no tears of joy but there was joy indeed. not the type of joy that will make you jump for joy but ....sige na nga joy na....when I got back to the office after hearing mass in greenbelt, he called me and asked if I heard mass na and if its ok if we could talk sana before his shift. He also apologized. Kaso we weren't able to talk before his shift kse he was late na. But before mag end shift, he YMed me and asked if I could walk with him till 7/11. I met up with him and again, he apologized to me. He knows naman how I am when I'm angry e. Puro sige lang ako pero I never forget. Tapos kwento till I went home na.

When I saw him, there I was falling all over again...puneta! Sakit...Parang bumabalik nanaman ako sa buhay ko when we first broke up.....@#*U$U$&&$!@@......NEVER AGAIN...When I got home, I prayed agad. Prayed for him to give me strength and drank my medicine agad para maka help...

In a way, getting angry at him helped me take my one step into recovery. I'm better no--way better!!! Yes, there are still moments when I feel lonely and sad but at least I don't fall asleep crying anymore and I don't have the itch to call or text him na...I'm on my to recoveryville yahoooooo!!!!!!!!!!

When I got home he texted me and asked if I still wanted to pursue the "arrangment" that I propsed to him about a week ago (before kme nag away). Told him that I already abandoned that plan but he asked that he wants us to pursue it. Told him na I wanna think about it kse I wanna make sure na this time hindi ako masasaktan. Baka kse mako naman ang umasa at baka instead of it helping me recover baka it wouldn't pala especially now na I'm doing so well on my own. What's surprising is that he actually texted me about it several times and he even called me to ask and explain..so there I was hearing the "A" that I used to know...pakeng shiyeeet....I miss that...how I wish....erase! erase! erase!

This songs is what I listen to almost every minute:


Beauty queen of only eighteen

She had some trouble with herself

He was always there to help her

She always belonged to someone else


I drove for miles and miles

And wound up at your door

I've had you so many times but somehow

I want more


I don't mind spending everyday

Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Look for the girl with the broken smile

Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

And she will be loved

She will be loved


Tap on my window knock on my door

I want to make you feel beautiful

I know I tend to get so insecure

It doesn't matter anymore


It's not always rainbows and butterflies

It's compromise that moves us along

My heart is full and my door's always open

You can come anytime you want


I don't mind spending everyday

Out on your corner in the pouring rain, oh

Look for the girl with the broken smile

Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

And she will be loved

She will be loved


And She will be loved

And She will be loved


I know where you hide

Alone in your car

Know all of the things that make you who you are

I know that goodbye means nothing at all

Comes back and begs me to catch her every time


she falls


Tap on my window knock on my door

I want to make you feel beautiful


I don't mind spending every day

Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Look for the girl with the broken smile

Ask her if she wants to stay awhile

And she will be loved

And she will be loved

And she will be loved

And she will be loved

Please don't try so hard to say good bye.

My horoscope says....

Today a deep concern for the feelings of others could have you lending a sympathetic ear to those in need of a little understanding. At this point it is more important to listen than to talk, dear Virgo, even though your innate practicality might want to express itself. Your own affairs should go smoothly, bringing you and those around you a lot of satisfaction. Don't be surprised if at some point you shed a few tears of joy!

OMG!!! Tears of Joy?!?!?!?! I haven't had that for ages!!!

I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him

Last night I've had enough. I feel na there is no respect anymore. He was rude to me on several occasions and last night was the last straw. On his part, he did say sorry and realized what he did wrong but I demanded an actual apology and nothing else. I'm a very patient person when it comes to getting angry with people that I love. I have to admit, to the point of naaabuso na ko. But when I feel that you're trampling on me na especially now that I am down...its unfair and not good for one to put down and walked all over someone when she is already crawling on her knees. So finally I have had enough. But I am not angry at him. I am trying my best not to. I do not want to plant any seed of anger in me

"Accept responsibility for the times when you've hurt others because you lacked inner peace. Make amends to them when you can."

i am angry.

I am my father's daughter. I am slow to anger. very slow. but when I do I never forget. i hold grudges. I burn bridges. You are now dead to me.

Something funny:

Girls...you need these...pick up lines with rebuffs for you!

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life in your wildest dreams.


This whole week (since monday) has been a fairly good week for me..thank you God thank you. although there are still bouts of loneliness and emotional breakdowns I feel that I've somehow just taken my first baby step into recovery. But let's not rejoice...the road to recovery is still long and treacherous ...but i hope and pray otherwise...please

Last wednesday-err, technically thursday since it was around 2am na. Ces and I went to Absinth. Well, kirk's patience paid off (in teaching me how to dance) and I'd like to think na i can move na to the music fairly well. Konti pang practice. That was my first time to dance and my first time to drink beer. yep, you read that right. my first time. Sure, I've drank other kinds of liquor before. Tequila, vodka, gin...all shots lang but never beer and never a whole bottle. why? because I hated the smell of beer. hehehehe...so since i was in a bar and yun na rin iniinom ni ces e di sige yun na din sa akin da ba! Alas, the newbie in my showed in the end. I got tipsy after 1 bottle ***hehehehehe*** Gimme a break, pers taym no! Konti pang practice. And practice I did, Saturday night, met up for dinner with beng and Josh in Eastwood. Beng, as usual, had to go home at 12mn before maging pumpkin yung car nya. Josh and I got out of jack's Loft and went around Eastwood to look for a place where we can drink. Drank 2 bottles of beer before I felt dizzy. I nursed the first one kaya tumagal hehehehe...Josh was giving me pointers pa

QUEEN(KING) OF PAIN

There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't

stop

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the queen of pain
There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall
That's my soul up there
There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
That's my soul up there
There's a blue whale beached by a springtime's ebb
That's my soul up there
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the queen of pain

There's a queen on a throne with his eyes torn out
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread

There's a red fox torn by a huntsman's pack
There's a black-winged gull with a broken back
There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the queen of pain

Queen of pain
I'll always be queen of pain
I'll always be queen of pain


I am so scared to trust and love again. I dont want to get hurt anymore at all. i dont want to give my heart and be vulnerable ever again. i do not want to go through this anymore, please let there be no more heartaches...

Ewww! Isn't that the pervert?"

-Paris Hilton, when asked to pose with R. Kelly after the Grammy's. Unbeknownst to Paris, Mr. Kelly was right behind her.

Jon sent me this.....sakit...

"For you bell..."

Notes from the heart and mind of a genius

Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the person we love we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things and simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words for you will find rewarding happiness not with the man you love but the man who loves you more.

The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being.

TO LET GO OF SOMEONE DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO STOP LOVING, IT ONLY MEANS
THAT YOU ALLOW THAT PERSON TO FIND HIS OWN HAPPINESS WITHOUT EXPECTING
HIM TO COME BACK.

Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness scare away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow.

We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person.

This feeling soon become a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship.

We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves.

You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself.

Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow: If you lose love that doesn't mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make it sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you.

Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime. There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is though everything is a miracle.

Albert Einstein
(1879-1955)

"Sometimes I wish I had never met you because then I could go to bed at night not knowing there was someone like you out there."

the past 2 days have been "good days" for me. hope it lasts...

I realize the other day that I'm getting dependent with my anti-depressant pill. The other day when I wasn't able to drink my medicine, I found myself agitated. So even if I was minutes away nalang from being late sa work, I went to the drug store (which seemed to be an oasis) and bought my needed miracle drug...tsk tsk tsk...I think I should learn na how not to be too dependent on my medicines....baaaddddd.....sick sick sick sick....

Carroll called me kanina all the way from Taiwan. I thought he just wanted to say hi yun pala he wanted to verify a kwento that he heard. Thanks for the concern Karla and Carroll :) I appreciate it...mwah!

For those who doesn't know, Carroll (is a guy) is my immediate ex. ha! labels! when can we do without them!?!?!?! I owe this a guy a lot and its nice to know na we're good friends na now. very good friends indeed. This guy does not fail to amaze me always. He also doesn't forget my pasalubongs too ;) I've told other people that with all of my exes Carroll was the only ex that I wanted to get back with. Not including my recent ex. Those 2 men would always be part of my life that I would never forget and would want to go back to if given a chance. (No Carroll, this is not a hint!I was not implying anything. hahahaha).

But as of now, I am a man hater. I do not see myself ever committing again. No more na. Pagod na ko. I'm not a masochist. I do not want to see myself this messed up again. So I guess my dream of having a child of my own would either be shelved or may be I can turn to adoption nalang..if they let me. Or maybe I'll find a very handsome and matalino na guy to father my kid. hahahahaha!!! The hopeless romantic has become hopeless na.

"Sometimes no relationship is more desirable than the one you can’t have" (Object of my affection)

Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again; skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts

I'm losing my grip again...i'm soooooo tired na...im wish that I can just end it...


“Letting go isn't a one-time thing, it's something you have to do everyday, over and over again.”

.....so many times i've wondered where i've gone
and how i found my way back in
i look around awhile for something lost
maybe i'll find it in the end

And I'm feelin' the same way all over again
Feelin' the same way all over again
Singin' the same lines all over again
No matter how much I pretend

Feelin' the same way all over again
Feelin' the same way all over again
Singin' the same lines all over again
No matter how much I pretend
No matter how much I pretend

The last 2 days have been so difficult for me. Today isn't different. I miss him-a lot. I have recurring thoughts of him being with another girl and that makes me cry. The first time that thought entered my mind I slumped on my bed and cried like a baby. Di ko kaya. isa isa lang please ang bato ng problema.

How I wish there would be some sort of painkillers for this kind of pain. I'd gladly buy a boxfull of them. If pain can just be turned off like a light switch or like a faucet, I would have turned it off a long time ago. I hate feeling any kind of pain. Any. Mahina ang loob ko sa problems and pain. I have a weak heart and do not have the stomach for it. Who wants to feel this kind of pain ba? Who wants to cry every night and fall asleep na umiiyak? I'm not into S&M, y'know. I've tried everything to forget him. I've kept myself occupied. Everyday I let him go. But I just can't. When it seems that there will be days that it will be a good day for me. I feel na I'm taking a step to recovery na. But when my low, lower and lowest days come, I feel na I fall back to my quagmire of pain and loneliness much deeper than before. I'm trying to get out but I can't. It seems that I'm stuck in a quicksand that slowly swallows me up and that no matter what I do I'll sink deeper and deeper. How can one unchain a heart that is holding on...

"It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone, when you're heart still does."


The Art Of Letting Go by: Mikaila

Put away the pictures, put away the memories
I go over and over through my tears
I've held them 'til I'm blind, they kept my hope alive
as if somehow that might keep you here
won't you believe in a love forevermore
how do you leave it in a drawer

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
unchain my heart that's holding on
how do I start to live my life alone
guess I'm just learning, learning the art of letting go

Try to say it's over, say the word good bye
but each time it catches in my throat
you're still here with me and i can't set you free
so I hold on to what i wanted most
maybe someday we'll be friends forevermore
wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes the hardest part of all
unchain my heart that's holding on
how do I start to live my life alone
guess I'm just learning, learning the art of letting go

What can I say, what can I do
but try to make it through the pain
not one more day without you

Where do I start to live my life alone
I guess I'm learning, I'll be learning
learning the art of letting go

It's Valentine's Day again
Chocolates and roses, dinner by candelight
But not for everybody
There'll be three less roses given away tonight
'Coz Jimmy's girl got on a plane
He tried to stop her from leaving but tried in vain
And he'd hand her three roses now
But she lives so far away
To a lonely heart, how does one say
Happy Valentine's Day

It's Valentine's Day again
Long-time lovers lighting the fire once more
But it's gonna be cold tonight
For someone whose lover walked right out the door
See, Anna's fighting back the tears
Broke up with her beau for nine long years
And she's throwing her dreams of walking down the aisle away
To a broken heart, how does one say
Happy Valentine's Day

Cruel, oh so cruel
Be with your lover and be glad
And if you're without a lover
Well, that's just too bad
Cruel, oh so cruel
No other day like this
Can make you long so much
For the one you miss

It's Valentine's Day again
Jay's got the flowers, but somehow it's not the same
Though he knows April's happy
'Coz all he can do is set them on her grave
It's been two years since she passed on
But somehow the pain still lingers on
And no other day can magnify it like this day
To a grieving heart, how does one say
Happy Valentine's Day

How do you say
Happy Valentine's Day

I forgot na where I got this >

Pulled Apart
the night falls with a silent sigh, cold and alone

are we.
the emotion for which you pine
flares once, then dies,
devoured by the abyss.
all hope must fail.

your heart beats no more.
how could you not understand?
shadows surround us, crying,
we have lost our light.

Read this Inquirer...in time for V day:::: eeewwww :P

Four things I love
and hate about you
Four things I love
and hate about you
By Rosa Villanueva

***This would have been perfect for him. He was all these and more....***

FOUR things I love about you: your smile, your commitment to everything you do, your concern for everything I do and your love.

Four things that make me want to turn this into forever: the way you love your family, the way you love God, the way you love your friends and the way you love me.

Four things that caught my eye when I first met you: the way you carried yourself, the way you stood when
I arrived, your height, and how you listened to everything I said and filed it in your brain.

Four things I promise you: to stay, to avoid quitting just because things are rough, to quit nagging when
I'm pissed or PMSing, and to sit still and be content.


And another one..

Love defined
By Kristine Caguiat


IT BEATS through your heart, burns through your skin and melts your senses. It encompasses all human
emotion and justifies all human reason. It holds no bounds, breaks all barriers, scales all heights and defies all depths. It is a question that answers all inquiry, and an answer that questions all knowledge; a mystery of the mind and a secret of the soul.

Indescribable, immeasurable, indefinable.

It is pure, undefiled and simple.

It is the unknown, the utopian, the dream of all dreamers.

It is the core, the polestar, the center, the beginning.

It runs courses, lacerates sentiment and intensifies passion.

It is romance.

A taste of heaven, a sensation of bliss.

It is faith and conviction.

It's an aura in the atmosphere.

It is multiplied: over and over and over again.

It's louder than the storms, deeper than the floods,

more blinding that the sun and the most electrifying of all forces.

It is elemental.

It is beautiful and stunning.

It's words, words, words.

Ironies and paradoxes, going in circles, never to be answered; riddles of feeling.

A touch, a kiss, a priceless show of affection.

It is delight and happiness.

It's ecstasy.

It can combat forces, destroy destruction, and end war.

It is life and death all over again.

It is love.

One day you will love me, the way I loved you
One day you will think of me, the way I thought of you.
One day you will cry for me, the way I cried for you.
One day you will want me, but i will not want you.

Today is a good day...so far.

Although it took a long time before I could get a cab, I got cabbie that was nice and cheerful. For a change, thank God. he blabbed all through out the trip. He was so cheerful that I even surprised myself when I answered his questions and responded to his comments. Ha! That's something new from Ms. Masungit. Something he said struck me. I forgot na the actual line but it says something about a cheerful heart will do you good or something like that. Buti pa si manong always cheerful. Come to think of it...oo nga bakit si manong driver lang ang cheerful??? I resolve to try to delve into the deep recesses of my soul to try and look for my old perky, cheerful self..I will find her one of these days because tomorrow is another day and you never know what the tide may bring!!!


"I know the world has its problems, but would it hurt you to smile once in a while (She's all that)

trying day...it's one of those days when I do nothing but cry cry cry cry cry......

why do men get over women faster? whhhhhyyyyyy!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

I just reading The Present By Spencer Johnson given by Carroll. Yes,my ex.Lalaki po sya.

"...Don't be too hard on yourself. Remember that you did the best you knew how at the time. When you know better now, you can do better now."

"Look at what happened in The Past. Learn something valuable from it. Use what you learn to improve The Present."