...and I'm about to run away. won't you hold my hand to calm my fears before I let go of my second chance on love coz my fear is drowning me... (Adnileb)

Fear
(Sarah McLachlan)

morning smiles
like the face of a newborn child
innocent unknowing
winter's end
promises of a long lost friend
speaks to me of comfort

but i fear
i have nothing to give
i have so much to lose here in this lonely place
tangled up in your embrace
there's nothing i'd like better than to fall but i fear
i have nothing to give

wind in time
rapes the flower trembling on the vine
and nothing leads to shelter it
from above
they say temptation will destroy our love
the never ending hunger

but i fear
i have nothing to give
i have so much to lose here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing i'd like better than to fall
but i fear
i have nothing to give
i have so much to lose
i have nothing to give
we have so much to lose

kaje: wassup with ur lovelife?
hundun : hey
hundun : 'eto scared shitless
kaje : why're ur blog entries like that?
hundun : why?
kaje : like as u said it.. love makes u scared shitless?
hundun : yuh


kaje : love is love. savor it while u can.
hundun : i know
hundun : kaso its the emotional investment
hundun : that im wary of
hundun : he's not nman pressuring me *edited*
hundun : pero everytime we're together makes me fall deeper and deeper
hundun : punyeta
hundun : i like all the kilig stuff
kaje : when u worry about it too much, and about what happens next, u take for granted its presence and the momentum gets lost
hundun : pero....
kaje : iyanla vanzant says, our thoughts create reality.if u keep thinking u might get hurt again, then that's what u just might get in the end.
kaje : dont ruin the rest of ur life just bec some jerk broke ur heart. this could be the person who could give u what ur looking for.
hundun : i know but..really really scared
kaje : what're u scared of? that u'll get hurt?
kaje : it's inevitable
kaje : and as they always say.. it's a risk
hundun : the hurt
hundun : lahat

kaje : ayyy
kaje : *TOOT* only 22
hundun : yan pa ang isa!
hundun : he's younger!
kaje : and ur?? ...*TOOT*
kaje : aw sorry.
hundun : bothered na nga ko sa age gap namin ni aids dati na 2 years
hundun : eto namn mas bata
kaje : it only becomes an issue if you make it one.
hundun: pero still the thought
kaje : rmember R and C?
kaje : they're 22
kaje : it came to mind
kaje : but it doesnt matter.
hundun : eeee...
hundun : it doesnt ultimately pero its at the back of my mind
kaje : why do u complicate ur life soo much?
hundun : I DONT KNOW KATHERINE I DONT KNOW!!!!!!!!!
kaje : isa kang masochista
hundun : i guess it because life has thrown me a lot of curveballs that i just keep on batting and batting not knowing if i'd ever hit the ball or not
hundun : *its
kaje : youre giving urself unnecessary problems.
hundun : and that's why imma pitcher...
hundun : *baseball pun
kaje : if ur a pitcher, it means u can pitch the ball any direction u want. why not go for the straight throw?
hundun : thing is...in this game im not the pitcher
kaje : LABO MO
hundun : life is the game and i'm not pitching
hundun : life does
hundun : just like everyone else im just a batter
hundun : and im the fourth batter at that
hundun : so, in baseball terms, thats the worst batter
kaje : I get ur pt. I meant, labo mo kase. Now here's a another chance bein thrown ur way. another shot at what-might-be a great love... and ur complicating it too much.
kaje : take away the garble of being the batter and the pitcher.
kaje : leave it to just: belle and *TOOT* likes each other.
kaje : enjoy it while it lasts.
kaje : if not, then move on.
hundun : hhaayyy...
hundun : this year's love better not last
hundun : better last pala

I have kwento!

all i know was that we were going to Bora on the 19th and that our flight was at 920am. that was all the information that i had and that was all that I needed to know...

Bora though beautiful was not what I thought it was...the sunsets were spectacular though...yes, the sand was like powder and they never seem to get hot...and so did I...food was great...water was clear...clear enough that i could see that @#$%)#&*#_$ fish that prowled around my feet...go away fishy fishy..tin:they're friendly fishes! nakasmile pa...i want my fish on my plate and not kissing my feet!

i'm not a swimmer...on the beach i'd rather stay on the sand underneath the sweltering rays of the sun trying my damnest to get myself a tan while reading a book and listening to my cds...and that's what I did...that, for me, was my personal heaven...

...Daydreamed on the bank again
I was swimming with the fish
And I thought this time that it may be true

But My toes just touched the water...


and I am back...and not as dark as I wanted to be...

this'll be my last post for this week...

at exactly 920am i leave the wasted land of Manila and off to B O R A C A Y



... the shores of Bora are waiting for me to read and dream on them...

"takot na ko magmahal..i know na masasaktan lang ako..." so goes the message from my friend...
MeatMarket's latest entry goes: "Can you really walk out of a relationship unscathed? If so, how? If not, how many times do you have to be hurt to give up on gambling your heart?"

love love love and all that hullabaloo...

if we know for a fact that loving someone entails that we will somehow get hurt by the person we love then why, for Hell's sake, still go through it over and over and over again like a masochist shouting "more pain, dammit! moooooreee!"

beats me, dude.

HA!

i don't think i'm the best person to ask about such things...

in matters of the heart, i'm not a subject matter expert.

but here's my singko na butas worth of thoughts...love and pain they go together. one cannot exist w/o the other. it has always been that way and always will be...if we can love someone w/o the pain that would be just swell...but pain was teamed up with love to make it human...love in itself is an emotion that is overwhelming and divine...it is an emotion that will consume you and push you to the highest heaven and deepest hell...pain is there to keep your feet on the ground. it teaches you that what you have now may be fleeting. it teaches you that love w/o sacrifice is not love at all...it teaches you that love cannot be contained but instead should be like a stream flowing steadily through every bend and rock it encounters until it finds it final destination..it teaches you to treat every day as if its your last because you never know what tomorrow brings..it teaches you to suck the very marrow of life until it yields to you its very essence....pain or at least the feeling of being and getting hurt remind us that we are humans...that in this big and crazy world we need people to make our life's journey interesting and colorful...

there is no one that I know of who have emerged from a relationship unscathed or unharmed but may it be a deep gash or a life threatening wound, I know that we will still love someone or something as we go through our miserable lives. I know that though we profess to never love again we know that the only bandage that'll soothe our hurting heart or the only medicine that will ease our pain is love...that i know for sure.

i have loved and lost many times in my life and still I am loving...or at least trying to. and it's not because I love the feeling of pain or being hurt..GAWD No!...but it's because despite all of the pain I've gone through and all of the tears that I've cried, my heart still longs for that one person who will love me ~faithfully and enduringly...it's because my heart still yearns for its better half..its because despite the cynicism in the world I still want to love and be loved in return...yes even with pain...

kung hindi ka nasasaktan ibig sabihin hindi ka totoong nagmamahal. Kung naghihintay ka nang kapalit sa pagmamahal na binibigay mo ibig sabihin hindi ka totoong nagmamahal. Ang tunay na pagmamahal hindi naghihintay ng kapalit. binibigay ang pagmamahal ng walang kapalit. ng walang hinihintay na pagmamahal in return. it may be masakit but its true. it may be corny but its true. ayaw mong masaktan pero nagmamahal ka? Nagmamahal ka kaya ka nasasaktan.

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."
- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist-

drowning...

i'm drowning in your eyes under the yellow sign and the stars...
won't you cover your eyes
give me time to breathe
before you drown me with your soul seering stares...
-adnileb



...when I first knew
Was when I first looked at you
And if I Can't find my way
If salvation Seems miles away
I'll be found When I'm lost in your eyes...

"I know you can be underwhelmed, and you can be overwhelmed, but can you ever just be, like, whelmed?"

13 Random Things You Like
13. the smell of (old) books
12. the smell of dawn
11. when wave swallows my toes as if saying let go of your fears and i will wash them away for you
10. kids! babies! kids! babies! Kids!
9. being held by the man i love
8. being kissed on the forehead
7. being given a "smelling kiss"
6. unexpected and sincere compliments
5. autumn leaves falling all about
4. sunday walks in Makati
3. my sunday afternoon ritual
2. when my mom or dad calls me anak
1. slow dancing (which I have never done)


12 Great Movies
12. An affair to remember/Love Affair
11. Casablanca
10. Breakfast at Tiffany's
9. face/Off
8. Air Force One
7. Gladiator
6. Sneakers
5. Juana De Loca
4. The Negotiator
3. Red Violin
2. Troy
1. LOTR


11 Things About You
11. I still dance and sing infront of my old second hand dresser
10. I have flat feet. I compensate by wearing deee-vine shoes!
9. I'm SLO
8. I don't know how to cross the street
7. I don't know how to tie my shoelaces
6. I'm a brat
5. I'm very very sensitive but learned to hide it with a big smile and my trademark by-line : ok lang
4. I'm madaldal but secretive as hell when it comes to talking about myself
3. I'm OC but my room is a mess
2. I'm medyo deaf
1. I'm pikon


8 Favorite Foods/Drinks
8. Cadbury's Fruit and Nut
7. Mediterranean's Grilled Chicken
6. Coke
5. Cafe Breton's Mango Banana Crepe
4. My dad's cooking (sshhh don't tell my mom!)
3. Greenhills Turon
2. Cibo's La Foresta
1. Watermelon and Mango Shake


6 Things That Make Happy
6. Surprises
5. Sunrise and sunsets
4. Notes and love letters
3. shoes and bags!
2. tags and comments in my blog
1. nice photographs

One Greatest Fear in Life

Being alone...

am i confused or what?


Welcome To My Life
(Simple Plan)


Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok

Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance, and the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It's the one who won't be taken that never learns to give and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live."

this is so apropos!

everything is a blur...


now i'm dazed confused and...scared shitless...serious talks scare the hell out of me...it turns my self protection mode on *viper on*

dazed and confused...

"It doesn't take very long to love someone. Not when you look through the eyes of the heart." Marlyn Langer

230am
i've been staring at my pc for 42 minutes and I still don't know what to blog about. my yosi's ubos na and I'm still here not knowing what to write. I'll sleep first...need to recharge my thinking cells

1212pm
still the same..much more now...

a thousand miles and i gather strength from you still...

Kaje: ay belle, punyeta, gulo ng utak mo.
Belle: i know
Belle: i know
Kaje: kung sino yung magsistick no matter what, yun ang importante. kung sino mamahalin ka ng totoo. hindi yung sasaktan ka lang. hindi yung pangmadalian, unless yun ang gusto mo.
Belle: of course not
Kaje: and of course, kung sino yung talagang gusto mo.
Kaje: the one who you cant be without.
Belle: haaayyy
Kaje: yes.. parang pipili ka na ng papakasalan noh..
Kaje: i mean can be without
Kaje: i mean cant be without .. tangangertz talaga ako
Belle: that was nice
Kaje: at least for now
Kaje: dont think about forever okay?
Kaje: that thought complicates things.

I miss you Kaje :( You were the group's non chalant-i dont care girl. You always had wise words for your madaling ma-attach-mahirap-mag-let-go but pretty friends Remember when jerk and I broke up, you were the first one i texted because I knew then that i need your strength and i needed your non chalant devil may care attitude to rub off on me. Now, a thousand miles away, i'm still gathering strength from you...still hanging on to your wise words hoping that they may instill some sanity in my life...

morning kiss..icka girl and not-not-so funny-tita belle =)

got home nga relatively early pero here I am blogging at 230am when i should be resting since i've been very sleepy and tired for the past couple of days...it may not look it but really i am...add that to the fact you constantly worry about things that, as Kaje said, I shouldn't even be worrying about...hassle!

Sullen Girl

Days like this, I don't know what to do with myself
All day and all night
I wander the halls along the walls and under my breath
I say to myself
I need fuel to take flight

And there's too much going on
But it's calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

Is that why they call me a sullen girl, sullen girl
They don't know I used to sail the deep and tranquil sea
But he washed me shore and he took my pearl
And left an empty shell of me

And there's too much going on
But it's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion
It's calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

"If there's any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed, but... who cares, really? The answer must be in the attempt." (Before Sunrise)

when it rains it pours...smiling like a fool as myls said...ikaw lang ang nakita kong naka-smile sa Excel...escalated call nakatawa ka?....

can't blog about it...can but won't is more like it...

Saturday night, was spent in Richmonde Hotel with my friends Meian, Emer, Vianca and Vianca's kids Ique and Icka.

checked out of the hotel around 130pm headed straight for Breton for supposedly a nice and quiet reading time--not! i wasn't even able to finish my food...again, i won't blog about it...such things happen only when you let it get to you..when you let that kind of emotion get the better of you...argh!...i have the choice to feel or what not feel in such situations but...but...fuckin A! use your head Belinda not your heart!

in the office right now, essential tools are down. finally have the time to catch up on my reading...feeling lethargic, confused and kinda sad...one word: HHHAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!

I know this is old but I found this as I was cleaning some of my e-mails:

Something to think about . . . .

What would you do if every time you fell in love with someone ...
you had to say good-bye?

What would you do if every time you wanted someone ...
they would never be there?

What would you do if for every moment you were truly happy...
there would be 10 moments of sadness?

What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow ...
and you never got to tell them ...
how you felt?

What would you do if you loved someone more than anything else, and you ...
could never have them?


"If you love someone you say it, you say it right there and then, out loud, or the moment just...passes you by." - My Best Friend's Wedding

still unable to blog. my apologies...still overwhelmed

being the good citizen that i am, I exercised my right to vote for the first time in years! unlike here in the Philippines, one doesn't have to go to the polling place that's swarming with squattery like people as long as you registered before hand that you're overseas. So I submitted my FPCA (Federal Post Card Application) and poof..i didn't even have to leave to comfort of my house...

CNN Update: Bush wins. This means more jobs for those in the callcenter industries.



colds + sorethroat + cough + slight fever= me sick

"A hurting heart is a loving heart. Don't hold back on love just because you've been hurt before; what matters is that you have loved well. You will one day get the love that you truly deserve"

optimist belle. that was what i was called. i never thought of myself as an optimist until someone described me as such. am I really? maybe I am. maybe I'm not.

I always thought, though, that I wasn't. I wonder what made him say that. Is it because of despite my bad experience with men that I still would want to venture to that love dating thing? Is it because despite of the bad things that have happened to me in life that I am able to see the silver lining in the darkest of clouds? Or is it because despite of everything, I still have faith that one of these days I'll be happy?

Oh well...then maybe I am. jeezuz! I wasn't one before but I guess that's what one becomes when one has seen the darkest of nights and the lowest of lows.

"I will be your accident if you will be my ambulance."

so fine call me optimist Belle. I'll be a ray of light in the darkest of days. I'll be the silver lining in the darkest and heaviest of clouds that hover above your life. I'll be the ice cream in your spaketchup party. I'll be the alcohol that'll disinfect your infected life. I'll be the song that'll be your LSS. I'll be the yosi you need to smoke when you feel tensed and overwhelmed by all the negativity that surrounds you. I'll be the wind that'll cool your warm face on a hot day. I'll be the falling star that you can wish on on a starless night. I'll be shore that you are longing to see when your tired body needs a place to rest. I'll be the extra banana in your lunch box. I'll be the shades of your eyes when the sun is shining so bright. I'll be the ambulance of your life and maybe...never mind...

"Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts." Charles Dickens





Because I know that Tin wouldn't watch a romantic movie with me and since I'm probably the only person left in Manila who hasn't watched "Before Sunset" is there anyone who wants to watch this movie with me during my fabulous restdays (wednesday or thursday)? I know i'm such a loser..even my guy friends have all watched this movie..

P.S. I'm not gonna make libre oh-key!!!

Before Sunset
12:55 PM
2:50 PM
4:45 PM
6:40 PM
8:35 PM
10:30 PM

Saturday:

People made sure I woke up early for our Mixed Basketball game in RFM gym. We won. Di man lang kme pinawisan. Default kse yung kalaban hehehehe

Sunday:

After my shift, my constant 'date' Tin and I ate in North Park. Got home around 3am and hit the sack as soon as my head felt my bed. Woke up at 7 or 8. saya! kulang sa tulog ulet! Lounged around a bit before I headed to Podium to wait for Jon and Kirk to pick me up.

Mixed basketball. The 2 monster "girls"! We lost :( Kainis. Found out after the game that I hit one of guys I was guarding. He said that I elbowed him and also hit him somewhere that made his voice squeak! sorry :D Nanalo naman kayo so peace na tayo.

Men's basketball. Heard that some people were betting that we'd win the championship. Touted as underdogs and a come from behind team who have never won the championship since the sportsfest started in PS played the most freakish game I've ever seen. At bakit lahat wlang gana!?!?!?! ggggggr (with 1 r!)...we had to settle for 2nd place. not bad na din. pero bad trip pa din.

Over all, it's not so bad. 2nd place for both mixed and men's and a championship in Badminton. yeah!

Below are our boys. short orders lang po girls :D


(l-r) Stan The Man and the original hearthrob, Chris, Nic, Pretty Boi Roy,Hearthrob (?) Chester, William, Raffy (back), Kirk, Mike (46) and Jon (in yellow)

sunday night, after shift I went back to Grilla. Si andrew kse e! stayed for a couple of minutes then had Den-Den, Tom and Kel pick me up coz my chest pains just won't go away. Went to MMC's ER. had some checks--x-ray and ECG and the nurse had to give me some injectable pain reliever. Kel stayed with me the whole time and kept on making me laugh the whole time with his magic tricks and his singing. chest pains and laughter. saya! Got home at 3am again. Next time no strenous activities okei! (Does "S" count?)

last thursday night.....Determind to get a good night and full night sleep, I'm back in my old bed in my mom's bedroom, got a good book (Archer's Sons of Fortune) to read till I fall asleep, a tall glass of water beside me and I'm waiting for the 2 tablets of sleeping pills that I just popped to work its magic on me and I'm off to la la land...nuninuninuninuninuninuni........oops, let's not forget to put the tv on sleeper mode....woke up 6 hours later....still sleepy, drowsy and masungit....it never works...pak shet!

today, i woke up sooo early after sleeping around 3am...kse nag date pa kme ni tintin ulet...for my 11am game...we'd be playing against Elink which has 2 monstrous looking women --women ba sila? or orcs? bengay will be my bestfriend later...

"If you want it you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse." Sunjay Gupta

wrote something awhile back that I'm making some kind of list and I'm happy to tell you that I haven't finished that list until now!

So I'm pressuring myself to make that list on-line...pressure...pressure...pressure!

2004 Goals
1. Lose weight (my forever goal) and do spot toning (dream on!)
2. Take up a sport (is sleeping a sport?)
3. Renovate my room!
4. Fix books..check!
5. Pay off ALL debts...almost there!
6. Travel (pref. via plane to renew frequent flyer miles)
1) Bora
2) HK
7. Go to the beach before year end
8. Get over jerk.....BIG CHECK!
9. Decide what to do after I resign
1) go home (to the states)
2) go back to law school
3) teach

so far ive barely accomplished everything in my list. i'm trying to pursue #1...and I'm done with #s 4 and 8. with 2 months to go i strongly doubt if i'd ever be able to accomplish all of them but then again, there's always next year to waste with list of goals that I never seem to finish...do i hear the clock ticking fast somewhere?


i was that thin before..notice the difference? ;P

i'm cleaning up my Friendster messages and here are the latest funny messages that I got and as usual pang international nanaman ang beauty ko hahahahaha..I'd like to thank Meian (a.k.a Summer and Loneliestperson) for taking THE picture~~taba and all :)

be friend??
Message:
hi wanna friend?im m/30/ukmy yahoo id: ferdaushahmedif want to chat with me welcome
bye
faisal

From: Sameer
Date: June 2, 2004 3:06 PM
Subject: HIYA Message: HI im Sameer hope u dont mind to add me as a friend my yahoo address is yd_devil@yahoo.comTHANKX :)
From:
Sexy
Date:
March 6, 2004 4:43 AM
Subject: Hello Beautiful LADY
Message: Hello,You are nice looking. Why I didnt see a beautiful girl like you when I visit to Philippines?If you send me message I will be very happy. Pls take care. See you....

***I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I HID MYSELF FROM THE LIKES OF YOU, YOU RODENT LOOKING--UGH-PERSON

From:
Trevor
Date:
March 6, 2004 5:31 AM
Subject:
Re: Hi
Message:
Even you dont know me, I hope this site give me a reason to have friends...Thanks and GOD BLESS

Belinda-Maribel wrote:> do i know you?> >

Trevor wrote:> > Just want you to add on my list of friends, can > > we friends? > > > > email: monteros@lycos.com

***I HOPE THIS SITE NEVER GIVES ME REASON TO KILL MYSELF


Message from my first stalker of the year:
From: Ryan
Date: March 28, 2004 4:13 PM
Subject: Re: hi
Message: sorry if na ofend kita , my name is ryan guarino, 25 yrs old, taga pasig, single, work me eastwood call center as a technical support, graduate me ece -engineering sa ue? tatlo kami magkakapatid panganay me hope nakilala mo me kahit papano, ok lang ba kahit cell# mo lang thanks nga pala for calling me sweetee

Same stalker:
From: Ryan
Date: March 29, 2004 11:58 PM
Subject:
Re: hi
Message:
baka pwede mo me bigyan consideration na malaman ko cell# mo???take care

From my second stalker:
From: Xhristian
Date: May 15, 2004 5:29 AM
Subject:
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Message:
ah thats the second NO or the second no reply everytime i ask that question.mind me asking why?why?



From:
Concho
Date:
June 1, 2004 9:11 PM
Subject:
hey
Message:
your one hell of a lady!heaven must be missing an angel.WIsh we could talk formally.got a #?