"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."

Anaïs Nin (1903-1977)

i'm a coward

so sue me

KJ: what's so scary about commitment?
KJ:it's not like he's asking you for forever.
KJ: he's not even asking your hand for marriage, right?
KJ: commitment is good. it's solid. it's stable.
KJ: i like commitment.
hundun: i dont wanna go through all the hurting shit
hundun:you wanna know how scared i am?
KJ:but only if it's the right one for you. you'll feel it.
KJ: how scared?
hundun: the other night
hundun: i was looking through past entries
KJ: belle, try not to think about getting hurt.
hundun: where i expressed my hurt or how deep the pain was
KJ: i dont wanna say it's inevitable, but it's part of loving.
KJ: tapos?
hundun: i was looking for a reason not to love
hundun: or not to get involved
KJ: belle, you have such a beautiful soul. i dont know why you keep torturing yourself. you deserve to be happy. and there's no sure thing in liking or loving someone.
KJ: maybe it will work out, maybe it wont. but what the hell? gasgas na, pero life is too damn short to keep yourself from finding your happiness.

unexpected things can happen sometimes...catching you off guard...bewildering your senses...leaving you dumdfounded... flabbergasted...

and you simply just don't know what to do............


"Fear is a powerful thing
It can turn your heart black you can trust
It'll take your God-filled soul
Fill it with devils and dust...."

The Hugo Boss commercial got me thinking...Wyl got me all contemplating...

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage.

Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself." (Million Dollar Baby)

Say it's true, there's nothing like me and you
I'm not alone, tell me you feel it too

And I would run away
I would run away, yeah..., yeah
I would run away
I would run away with you

Cause I am falling in love with you
No never I'm never gonna stop
Falling in love with you

Close the door, lay down upon the floor
And by candlelight, make love to me through the night
(through the night, through the night...)

Cause I have run away
I have run away, yeah..., yeah
I have run away, run away
I have run away with you

Cause I am falling in love (falling in love) with you
No never I'm never gonna stop
Falling in love with you...
With you...

And I would runaway
I would runaway, yeah..., yeah
I would runaway (runaway)
I would runaway with you

Cause I am falling in love (falling in love) with you
No never I'm never gonna stop
Falling in love with you...

Falling in love (falling in love) with you
No never I'm never gonna stop falling in love with you

With you, my love, with you...
na ni na ni na na...
(With you, with you, with you, with you)

If I die tomorrow what would you tell me today?

Look at the stars
...look how they shine for you
.........And everything you do...Yeah, they were all yellow

Here I am playing with those
memories
again
And just
when I thought time

had set
me
free
Those
thoughts of you keep taunting
me
Holding you, a feeling I never
outgrew
Though
each and every part of me has
tried
Only you
can fill that space
inside
So there's no sense
pretending
My
heart it's not
mending

Just when I thought I was over
you
Just when I
thought I could stand on my own
Oh baby those memories
come crashing
through
And I just can't go on without youOn my own I've tried
to make
the best of it alone
I've done everything I can to ease the
pain
But
only you can stop the rainI just can't live without youI miss
everything
about youIt's just no good without you
Without you, without you,
without
youOh baby those memories come crashing through
And I just can't go
on without you

is it right? is it? Jon says to bite the bullet...do what you have to do and see what happens after...Tin says let your mind do the thinking and not your heart...


i pick my battles...i know when to fight and when to run or when to concede...i fight battles that are meant to be fought ...and just like a trusty and seasoned soldier, I make sure that I go into a battle all packed ( not fucked!) and with extra ammunition to make sure that I win or at least I give them hell before I go down...but this time...i go into this battle with nothing but heart...all heart...and nothing else...i know that not all battles are meant to be fought...but this is one battle i pick to fight...and i know that not all battles are meant to be won...and this might be one of them...and yes it is worth it..no matter what the outcome may be...

April 15:

i surprise myself sometimes... and i get to surprise Tin

so Tin after dragging you to Greenbelt and Glorietta for one hour and half, I hope all the "inis" was worth it... ;)





April 16, 2005:

12 hours...3 inch heels...i am wearing flats next week!

Lisa and Edwin's Wedding
Where: Sanctuario De San Jose
Reception: Manila Polo Club


my invocation goes:

and after the sun has set..may they be found...still the same as today..hand in hand so much in love and thankful that in this world of ours they have found each other...

EMOTIONAL CARNAGE!!!

feel so fuckin' sick. out of my mind. i just want to lie down and never wake up. yes...it's THAT bad. no matter what I do even if I smile or laugh so that people won't notice it's still there like...an ominous cloud creeping from the horizon...and it dampens my spirit. optimist belle is out for the day..for the week...for the month...and maybe just maybe for the rest of her goddamned natural life.

fuck. punyeta.


"It's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes -- that's why you sometimes need really special shoes!" (Carrie, SATC)

#1:

i can't always be the happy happy person that I usualy am...I hardly say no...accomodating to a fault yes but learn to stop when I say no.

#2.

Pray for the Pope.

#3.

What are is stopping you? What are you thinking of? What is it that keeps you from saying everything that you want to say...what is it? I don't read minds...I haven't mastered that ability yet. If I do, I'll let you know

sedes vacantes.......

Hey John Paul, We can finish the race for you Hey John Paul, We can carry the flame within......(Lifeboat 14)



"Have no fear of moving into the unknown. Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well. Do this in complete faith and confidence."

...This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need
Of a friend....

this placed used be unknown 'cept for people who lived around the area...now I hear people gushing about it ...now I see people I know sitting on the same spot I sat on before...i'm not being selfish..but it's different y'know, having a place of your own.....a place other than your room where anonymity is your bestfriend..now its the playground of other fools like me...

i used to cry at the heavens above it till the wee hours of the morning...i used to....

pagod na ako...but wait there's more may hinihingi pa.......di ako si wonderwoman no but but but BUT.....teka i need help......i need my alter ego......Ding, ang bato! (Nanette Medved, Darna)

pwede bukas nalang? di na gumagana utak ko e.......di na din gumagana si carrie, anwar at bo bice na paandarin ang utak ko e....ok lang?

pwede?

sige na...

one time lang..........

puhh-lease?

lss...so apt...

I hear the ticking of the clock
I’m lying here the room’s pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh I hope that it won’t end though
Alone

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

You don’t know how long I have wanted
To touch your lips and hold you tight
You don’t know how long I have waited
And I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
And my love for you is still unknown
Alone

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone
Alone, alone






~so tell me...how do I get you alone?

I do renounce

if there was a way for you to confess all of your sins and the "bad" things that you did to others right at this moment, would you? Then do so...Confess here



"When you take one step toward God, He will take a hundred steps toward you. You may reject God, but He will never reject you."

Today's Word:
Chimera (Noun)

Pronunciation: [shê-'me-rê]

Definition 1: (1) A fire-breathing Greek mythological monster with a lion's head, a goat's body, and a serpent's tail killed by Bellerophon. (2) An organism or organ made up of genetically different tissue types, usually produced by transplant, grafting, or genetic engineering. (3) A wildly fantastic, almost unimaginable illusion.

Suggested usage: The idea behind today's word is a monster put together of incongruous parts of various animals. Dr. Frankenstein's monster was certainly a chimera. However, a plant with grafted parts is also a chimera. A peaceful planet may also be a chimera, a fanciful illusion no more possible than the original referent of "chimera."


I found a book yesterday...its entitled letting go and laughter....or 'samteeeng' like that...i swear one of these days tlaga I will spend a day or two finishing all of the unread books stacked like a pillar in my room...hay..if i ever get the time..with my rotating sked i can hardly do anything anymore...kainis... but at least I get to spend time with my morning friends (wink wink :D) ..heniway highway, i actually haven't read it but from the title of the book doesn't it make you think that, indeed one of the things that we need to do to help us let go of the things and people we have to let go of is laughter? laughter laughing joking around monkeying around..whatever you call it...however you call it...i do think that laughter helps us forget about our problems, our heart aches, our pains....it helps us remember that no matter how sad the world has become that there are still nooks and crannies that closets sunshines that casts some ominous light in our darkened worlds..the kind of light that we see when sun hasn't awakened yet and the moon is still on OT...it forebears that there is hope after a night full of tears and heartaches and unanswered wishes...a new day has come for us... day full of promises...another day for us to do something....another day that God tells us, here is anotehr 24 hours..do something with your life...go to places you haven't seen...read all the books in your "not-yet-read" box (parinig sa sarili)...listen to music while watching the butterflies flutter around the flowers in the park...dance in the middle of the road...sing under the pouring rain...say sorry and make amends to people you had offended or had hurt...see your friends...tell them how much them mean to you...yes...thats the most important thing that you can do--tell your family and friends how much they mean to you before it's too late

So here I am laughing...despite the loneliness....because I know its the only thing that I must do...I laugh because I must not cry.

"The world is no longer a romantic place. Some of it's people still are, however, and therein lies the promise. Don't let the world win" (John Cage)

"I got a sixth sense that says you ain't worth six cents..."

In the end even when you've given all that you had to give ...even when you had tried your best to be the best version of yourself...it was all for naught...


I've got 3 words for you! BILOG ANG MUNDO!

shiyet...ang meanie nun...sorry...ay hindi..ay oo ok lang maging meanie kse sinaktan mo ko..pero..pak the shiyet...hmft! bad belle bad belle!

You're the seventh son
Of the seventh son
Maybe that's why you're such a strange
And special one
You can't even seem to love yourself
And with a few exceptions
Not anybody else

You can lead a horse to water
But you cannot make him drink
You can give a man your whole heart and soul
But you cannot make him think

You could have been with me
Instead of alone and lonely

You can tell him the day of departure
Exactly the place and the time
He might really wanna be there
But he misses every time
Is he a man or a paper tiger
When you need him will he run
Or stand beside you

You could have been with me
Instead of alone and lonely

You could have been with me
Instead of alone and lonely


.....On another note....a sad note...pray for joey...and for baby shelley

Through the blurry eyes of man lies a great truth
about life about what living really is and what we really are Knowing this truth
is hard to see for only those with innocent hearts can look beyond false images
and reveal the secret path to be So many mistakes so many perfections we intend
to fake our own life shutting the door to the real person

...Why is he...here..
"What are you doing here, Michael?" Sam wasn't sure, but she knew that the disappointment was showing in her face. All day, receiving the roses whenever she went left her with this unexplicable anxiety. She couldn't focus on work, she just kept waiting, wondering, who the roses were all coming from. Of course, at one point she thought that perhaps the roses were coming from Michael. She admits, she even hoped that they were coming from Michael.
But now that he was here, standing in front of her, she was suddenly wishing he was someone else. The sudden realization of how much she misses Tag. And the fact that he was getting married tomorrow, and she was his bestman.
"I wanted to talk to you, Sam."Michael slowly walked towards her. Where is the rose? What is the whole sentence?" Michael, did you..."
"Listen Sam," he was almost just a foot away from her, she could hear him breathing. Michael still had that warm feel in his eyes, like he just woke up and so energized and fresh. She realized that she waited for a long time to have him this close again.
"I'm sorry Sam. I know I was unfair to you... For everything I did. I'm so sorry."She knew he meant it."I never should've pushed you away," he said slowly reaching for Sam's elbows. "I was so stupid. I was so afraid of everything and blinded by my attraction for Carol that I didn't realize how important you are to me." Sam was paralyzed. "You were my bestfriend. And it was totally unfair what I did to you. ""Oh Michael...""Please Sam," Michael sighed and shook Sam a little. Kind of like, trying to wake her up. "I think I'm in love with you." It was like a slice of ice going through Sam's heart. She has waited for this for a long time and ironically, now that it was here, she doesn't know if this is what she really wants. "Please, say something." Michael's eyes were almost pleading that she felt sorry for him."You're right.""What?" Michael asked softly."It was unfair, what you did to me," Sam looked at his eyes and shook herself free from his grasp. Michael looked shocked at this notion. "And why now?" Anger was building up inside Sam. "Why after all this time do you suddenly realize all this. Do you know how many nights I waited for a phone call, message, or even email from you. Do you know how it feels like to know that you're waiting for nothing and still wait? Do you know how hard it is to fall asleep at night knowing you're just one floor below me? How hard it is to keep myself from knocking on your door and see how you were doing? It's been 6 months, Michael.""I know," Michael interrupted. "That's why I'm making up for it now." He sighed. Sam could see defeat in eyes. "Don't you think I've suffered too? I wanted to come to you earlier. But I couldn't because you were always with that Tag Grossdale guy.""Oh I see, " Sam exclaimed. "You see that I was happy and you couldn't bear that?""That's not how...""I've already moved on, Michael," Sam mellowed down. "I could only go too far." "Sam please," Michael pleaded. "I don't want to lose you.""I'm already gone, Michael," Sam said with a shrug. "This is just a dream you will actually wake up from." With that, Sam turned around and walked away. Michael looked like he was about to say something, but stopped himself. She never thought she could do it. But she did. She was happy she did. She realized that she was wrong too. Michael wasn't her only source of happiness.

Carrion
Won't do no good to hold no seance
What's gone is gone, and you can't bring it back around
Won't do no good to hold no searchlight
You can't illuminate what time has anchored down
Oh, honey I've gone away Honey I've gone away I've gone away
Won't do no good to sing no love song
No sound could simulate the presence of a man
Won't do no good asking no questions
Your divination should acquaint you with the plan
Oh Honey I've gone away
Honey I've gone away
Honey, I've gone away
My feel for you, boy, is decaying in front of me
Like the carrion of a murdered prey And all I want is to save you, honey
Or the strength to walk away
Won't do no good to go no distance
The space between us is as boundless as the dark
Won't do no good to throw no fist, babe
You can't intimidate me back into your arms
Because honey, I've gone away I've gone away I've gone away
I've gone away I've gone away I've gone away
My feel for you, boy, is decaying in front of me
Like the carrion of a murdered prey
And all I want is to save you, honey Or the strength to walk away
My feel for you boy, is decaying in front of me
Like the carrion of a murdered prey
And all I want is to save you, honey
Or the strength to walk away
Oh my feel for you boy, is decaying right in front of me
Like the carrion of a, a murdered prey
And all I want is to save you, honey Or the strength to walk away

"Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of strength. However, there are times in life in which it takes much more strength to just let go."